I Love You and I'm Sorry

Sorry

Trigger Warning: suicidal thoughts

"This weather is so gross! The whole world needs a shower," Amy groaned. She was right. It had been raining and snowing for about a week straight. Now that it had stopped, everything was covered in a layer of vomit-inducing, wet sludge. And as if that wasn't bad enough, it was weirdly warm and humid for a winter day, which left the air feeling strange and moist. 

The weather certainly wasn't helping Jake's mood, he felt disgusting enough as it was. He hadn't had the energy to do anything in days, and that included changing clothes. He sat on the couch watching Die Hard.

"Jake," Amy said, but he couldn't hear her over the sounds of the movie. 

She repeated herself slightly louder. He still didn't answer.

"Hey, Jake!"

"Huh?" he yelled, the movie still playing loudly in the background. 

"Can you pause that for-"

"I can't hear you," he says, pointing at the TV.

"For God's sake, turn the damn thing off!" Amy shouted. Jake obliged, taken aback. 

"What did you want, babe?" he said wearily.

"Don't 'babe' me. I don't remember now because you couldn't bother to pause that stupid movie. You've watched it three times in a row, Jake. I'm sick of it!"

"I'm tired, okay?"

Amy threw her hands up in frustration, "I get it, I'm tired too, but look at our apartment! Your stupid chip bags are everywhere, we can't even use the sink because of all the dishes in there, and your stuff is all over the floor."

"If it bothers you that much then just clean it up."

"I'm sorry, do you expect me to be one of those wives that cleans up after you and comes at your beck and call while you become a negligent sloth?" she said, just a bit more harshly than she meant to.

"No, obviously I don't."

"I swear, Jake. It's like you love Die Hard more than me." Amy knew she'd gone too far, but she couldn't stop herself. 

"Amy, you know that's not true."

"No, I don't. I feel like I'm going to have to manage our whole life by myself, and that was not my plan. If you can't handle that kind of commitment, then get out." She clapped her hand over her mouth, instantly regretting everything.

The room was silent for a minute.

"Jake, I didn't mean that. You aren't-"

"Am I really that bad?" Amy made eye contact with Jake, anticipating rage, but there was none in his face. He wasn't angry with her, he was just hurt. 

And that was a million times worse because it meant he believed her.

When she didn't answer, he stood up and started towards the door.

"I need to leave."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know."

* * *

When Jake zoned back into reality, he was in his car in a quiet parking lot somewhere. He broke into sobs, loud and ugly. He shut his eyes, trying to avoid seeing himself in the mirrors or his reflection in the car windows. 

He considered ending it- his life, not his marriage. If this was how Amy really felt, then it was probably better for her to move on as soon as possible. 

Jake's phone rang. It was Amy. He thought about answering it, he really did, but he couldn't stand to think about what she might say. What if she wanted to leave him? If he never let her tell him, then it couldn't happen, right? He was so deep into his spiral, he almost didn't notice the banner on his screen telling him that she'd left a voicemail. 

He opened it. 

"Hi, Jake. Look, I really need to talk to you. I don't know where you are and it's really freaking me out, I mean, not cause, like, I don't trust you or anything, I'm just worried. I love you, and it's only been like an hour but I miss you. Please come home."

He knew if he left now, she would spend the rest of her life blaming herself for it. He also knew that he loved her too, and that it would hurt both of them incredibly if this was how it ended. He drove home.

* * *

Amy heard a timid knock on her door. Rushing forward, she practically blew the door off its hinges trying to get it open. As soon as she saw her husband, she threw her arms around him.

"Jake, I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't think I wanted to leave you, I would've told you over the phone, but I wanted to apologize in person and-"

"Ames," he breathed, "Amy, slow down. I'm not mad. I'm also sorry, I never should've said that thing about how you should just clean for me."

"Wait, you're not mad? But I called you a negligent sloth, and I told you to, you know," she winced.

"Yeah, but I know you didn't mean it and I don't want to waste the time we have together fighting over stupid things like me being a total slob," Jake said, kissing Amy's forehead.

"You're totally right. I love you."

"Sorry I'm terrible at everything," Jake said, laughing. 

"'Sorry I'm terrible at everything,' title of your sex tape."

"Oh my god, I love you so much."

When their laughter had finally quieted, Amy paused.

"Are you okay? I know that was really hard and I just want to make sure. I want you to know that I didn't mean any of it, I was just in a bad mood. It doesn't even have anything to do with you."

Jake's eyes became shiny.

"Jake, what is it?"

Jake shook his head, "I swore I would never be like my dad, and when you said that stuff about having to manage everything by yourself... and then I thought you wanted to-" his voice cracked.

Amy pulled him into a tight hug. "You leaving your chip bags everywhere, even for a few days, as gross as that is, it doesn't make you like him. You would never do what he did to you and your mom. And I'm not him either. Jake Peralta, damn my stupid mouth, I'm so sorry for what I said and I will never leave you."

Jake rested his head on her shoulder in silence for a few minutes.

"Wow, I have a lot of abandonment issues."

"Seriously, you should talk to Valerie about that."

"Yeah I definitely should."