I Love You and I'm Sorry

Heavy

Trigger Warning: mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts, Roger Peralta's A+ Parenting (which is to say, very bad), generally just very angsty

"Amy?" His voice was hoarse, barely audible.

"Jake, it's going to be okay," she said desperately. A strangled moan escaped his lips.

"Amy, it hurts," he said, sounding small and quiet. It was as if he was a child.

"I know babe, but I called an ambulance and they'll be here soon, we're gonna get you to the hospital."

Just then, the paramedics arrived. Carefully, they lifted his body onto the stretcher.

"No, no, Amy," he yelled.

"I'm not going anywhere Jake, I promise."

* * *

The squad arrived shortly after the ambulance did, all crammed into Terry's minivan.

"Where is he?" said Rosa, her tone sharp, like she was interrogating a perp. 

"Is he okay?" Charles begged.

"What on Earth happened?" inquired the Captain. 

Amy didn't answer any of their questions yet, opting instead to dive into Rosa's arms- surprisingly, she did not protest- and let the squad surround her in a group hug.

Once they'd let go, she explained. 

"Jake's getting his stomach pumped, the doctors said it would probably take at least an hour. He was unconscious when I found him, but he woke up before the paramedics got to us." Amy fought back tears as the squad stood in silence. 

Amy addressed the unspoken question hanging thickly in the air, "When I got home, he was-" she stopped abruptly, letting a sob push its way up her throat. Holt rested a hand on her shoulder, his eyes glistening as well.

"He was on the floor, and there was a bottle next to him, the whole thing was empty, and a bunch of random stuff he pulled out of the medicine cabinets. I was so scared, I thought he," she couldn't bring herself to say the word, "but I checked for a pulse and it was there." She let out a breath of relief, as if she was frantically running her hands over his neck, searching for the telltale thump of a heartbeat all over again.

"Did he say anything? Did he leave a note?" Rosa snapped.

Amy shook her head, "He could barely talk. All he said to me was that it hurt. He did leave a note though. I found it in his shirt pocket."

"Well?"

"I don't know," she admitted. 

"What the fuck, Santiago?" Rosa barked, and then, in a softer tone, "Sorry."

"He said he thinks he might be depressed. And he said I should move on," she whispered the last part.

"What? Why? You two are perfect for each other!" Charles cried indignantly. 

"He felt like he wasn't good enough for me and I deserved someone better." Nobody knew what to say to that.

Holt was the one to break the silence, "Kevin is on his way and will arrive shortly. I hope that is alright."

"Of course it is. Jake will be happy to see him."

The squad made quiet conversation about meaningless things. In fairness, everything seemed meaningless in the context of the situation they were currently in. Kevin had rushed in during a tangent of Boyle's about different brands of spaghetti sauce. It was strange to hear him talk about something as basic (and not-diarrhea-inducing) as spaghetti. Everyone in the squad knew he only did when he couldn't muster the energy for more complex foods, which, him being Boyle, did not happen very often.