I Love You and I'm Sorry

Captain

"So, let's go over the plan-"

"Amy, we've been over the plan a bajillion times," Jake recited, "Obviously, I'm going to take some time off, and you're going to stay with me until I can be alone. My meds will stay in a safe that you have the passcode to and I will take them at 8:00 PM every night. I still have my weekly sessions with Dr. Walker, those are on Thursdays at 6:30 now, and if I need anything else from her, her number is on the fridge and you have it memorized. We're going to spend time with the squad at least once a week so I don't get lonely, and when you go back to work, you'll start out doing reduced hours so I can get used to being by myself again."

"Wait, you actually remembered all that?" Amy stammered.

"What? I've changed," Jake smirked at his wife. 

* * *

A little over a week after Jake's discharge from the hospital, the squad was at Shaw's. Rosa was sitting at the table, arm slung over the back of her chair, one foot up on the seat, Terry was sharing a knowing glance with her as they watched Charles, leaning across the table and yelling drunkenly- actually, Jake's not so sure about that, this would have also been a very normal thing for Sober Charles to do- about some dish from Taiwan and then accidentally spilling his drink all over his beige sweater. Gina had her phone out, shamelessly taking pictures of the whole event with the flash on. And then there was Amy, snorting with laughter. In the dim lights of the bar, she looked like a polaroid: too perfect to be real. Jake took a mental snapshot of the scene, the squad together, laughing with each other, exactly the way it was supposed to be. 

Suddenly, Jake felt sick to his stomach. The squad was picture-perfect, and he didn't belong in the picture, he never had. Jake belonged alone. Not even that, Jake belonged nowhere. Jake shouldn't be here. Jake is staring creepily while his friends are trying to have fun and really should just get out of their way. 

A little over a week ago, he would've stayed silent and let the thoughts eat away at him until he made an excuse to go home. But things were different now.

He reached over and tapped Amy on the shoulder.

"What's up?" she'd asked.

He didn't answer immediately, and at first, he said "nevermind" because let's be real it's only been a week and one person can only make so much progress at one time. 

"No seriously, everything's fine."

Amy glared at him, but it was concern, not anger, that knotted her brows. 

He took a deep breath, "Actually, everything's not fine."

"What's wrong, babe?"

"I don't know, it came out of nowhere. I just don't feel good." Jake's thoughts were racing, heart pumping. It happened every time he told the truth. For a minute, everything would feel worse and he would have to fight the urge to run away or deny everything. Then, the other person would step in, help him through it, and he would remember that talking about feelings wasn't the worst thing in the world. 

"Correction, I feel really bad," he'd said. Of course, Amy knew about all this.

"This is good, this is progress," she reminded him. He let himself lean against her shoulder.

Then, she'd twisted her head gracefully, whispering gently into his ear, "I'm glad you told me. I'm so proud of you, Jake."

Shortly after that, the rest of the squad had noticed. In an instant, Terry was behind Amy, reaching around her to grab Jake's hand. Charles gripped his other one, lips pressed shut to avoid falling apart himself. Gina sat silently on the other side of the table, but Jake didn't have to look at his phone to know that the persistent vibrations coming from it were Gina's flood of supportive texts. Rosa stood behind him with a hand on his shoulder. Her grasp wasn't painful, but firm and anchoring, pulling him back to reality, where his friends did care about him and he did deserve to have them.