50 Shades Of Green

Chapter Four

As I lay in bed so many thoughts flooded my mind, I was in a loveless marriage, I had no close friends, I had no career, and the only highlight of my day was when I opened a bottle of Scotch, why hadn't I done it? Why hadn't I just ended my miserable and pathetic life? What was holding me back?

As it turns out, curiosity was the one thing that kept me going, I don't think I had ever truly loved Miss Piggy, and I had all of these feelings that I couldn't quite explain, like the way I felt when I saw half naked men in underwear ads, or why the thought of anal penetration intrigued me.

I never allowed myself to fully embrace these thoughts and feelings, I suppressed them in hopes that they would go away, but they never did. Was I really questioning my sexuality this late in life? With all that was going on around me, you'd think this would be the least of my problems, yet there was still this constant driving force telling me to do something about this curiosity.

I did what any middle-aged man would do if they were questioning their sexuality, I went into my office and sat at my desk, opened the browser on my computer and typed 'Am I Gay?' Into the search bar, making sure that my browser was on incognito mode.

The first thing that came up after hitting enter was the Buzzfeed website, I clicked on it and it lead me to a quiz with bright colours and bold text. I proceeded to start the quiz and answer the questions truthfully, without holding back. One of the questions read 'Do you feel any sexual desire for those of the opposite sex?' I was stumped. Had I ever truly felt sexually attracted to Miss Piggy? When my wife demanded sex I was often unable to perform, she convinced me that I was suffering from erectile disfunction but the sudden realisation that I wasn't aroused by women hit me, and rather than fighting it, I accepted it as the truth for the first time.

I was gay.