red [complete]

1.1

Sirius doesn't remember much about his brother's stay in the hospital. A few things that stick out are doing homework in the family room and eating baked potato soup from the cafeteria every Wednesday. He remembers his mom crying a lot when she thought no one was watching and he remembers how his dad never seemed to know what to say. Regulus' illness took a toll on their relationship. They were divorced before the funeral.

He also remembers Remus. The cute weekend nursing student that Regulus loved. He'd always come in with a different super hero or Star Wars pin on his scrubs and the newest comic he'd gotten that he let Reg read when he couldn't sleep because he needed his IV changed. Sirius would also stay up on the weekend nights to talk to Regulus. And if he was lucky, Reg would fall asleep and Remus would come and sit in his room on his breaks so he and Sirius could talk. Sirius thinks he loves Remus.

Other than that, it all is a blur. Sirius thinks it's strange that each day felt never ending but the three years felt so short.

Today is a Friday. His brother died two days ago, on loaded baked potato Wednesday. And that's okay. At least Sirius thinks it's okay. All the time that Sirius saw Regulus in the hospital, he never seemed happy, so now Sirius hopes he's in a better place.

By the time Sirius gets to the hospital on Friday, Regulus' room is already full, so he waits outside.

7:42 pm. That's when Remus always came around to see Reg.

7:41 pm is the time Sirius sees him rounding the corner carrying a comic and a huge smile on his face. Sirius thinks he is going to be sick.

"Everything alright?" Remus asks when he approaches room 34b. Regulus' room.

Room 34b where his brother died.

"No." Sirius says simply. "I thought someone would have told you. Regulus died on Wednesday."

Remus' face fell. "He was better than I'd seen him in so long when I left on Sunday morning."

Sirius nods.

"Sirius, oh my god, I'm so sorry. How are you doing."

"I just wanted to tell you that it happened. And tell you thank you. There wasn't much to look forward to around here, but I always looked forward to you."

"Can I do anything? For your family? For you?"

"Come to his service tomorrow afternoon." Sirius pauses. "I need you to be there."

"Okay," Remus agrees quietly. "I'll have a break around 10, if you want to get a coffee and chat."

Sirius nods, "yeah, I'll be in Reg's room." Sirius turns and begins to open the door behind him.

Remus places a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Sirius-"

"I think I'll just wait in the cafe."

"I'll see you there. It will come soon. I promise."

It wasn't 10 when Remus got a break, it was 10:34. Sirius didn't mind though, he just sat in the cafe and worked on his crossword puzzles.

14 down is Canada or Jordan preceder; three letters.

Air.

That's the clue he is on when Remus comes and sits next to him.

"Hi." Remus greets him.

"How is your shift?"

Remus shrugs. "Alright. How are your puzzles?"

"16 down. 'As' on the periodic table"

"Arsenic."

Sirius pencils in the answer.

"How are you holding up?"

"Crockpot panic button. Five letters. Alarm." Sirius says with a pencil scratch.

"Sirius." Remus says sternly. "You can't crossword your problems away."

Sirius meets his gaze. "I don't know what else to do."

"Have you considered that there are programs that help people grieve."

"No. I mean yeah. I just don't know what to do without needing to be here."

"Three years is a long time," Remus reminds him, "you and your family made a routine and it will be hard to find a new one."

"And you. You were part of the routine too."

"I'm okay Sirius, I was trained to handle things like this."

"No," Sirius sighs, Remus isn't getting it, "every weekend we talked and spent time together. 3 year Remus, three years."

"You have me on snap and insta, Sirius. We don't need to be strangers."

Sirius knows he's not thinking straight. He knows he came to see Remus with selfish intentions and he has no intention of stopping himself. At this point he has nothing else to lose, assuming Remus doesn't retaliate by swiping his puzzle book. So Sirius goes for it.

And Remus.. doesn't.

It is the most awkward kiss Sirius has ever given. He leans forwards clumsily and that his mouth is open a bit when it meets Remus'.

But if Remus reciprocates, it would be fine.

But he doesn't.

He calmly places his hands around Sirius' face and holds it there as he leans away.

"Sirius, we shouldn't. Your brother just died and I don't think you know what's really going on."

"I do too."

"No you don't." Remus doesn't usually tell people how to feel, but he's seen grief enough to recognize it in Sirius, "your thoughts are a bit jumbled and everything is hazy and for some reason it's really quite also. And all the light seems more yellow and your eyelids feel heavy. Right?"

Sirius nods.

"So, I am sorry, but we really cannot do that right now."

Sirius nods again as he tries to hold in the tears he hasn't let himself cry since his brother died in room 34b.  "Who's in there?"

Remus sighs softly but holds Sirius' gaze. "A sweet little girl."

"Will she make it?"

Remus thinks for a moment. "No. Probably not."

Sirius looks away as he feels his throat closing in on itself. Then he feels hot tears rolling down his cheeks and Remus' hands that are still holding his face pull him in to the crook of his neck and then he holds him until his alarm chimes and he has to go back to work.

"How did you get here?" Remus asks him before getting up to go.

"My bike."

Remus looks outside and sighs. "It's raining now. You'll stay here until after my shift and I'll give you a lift."

It isn't a question. Sirius nods.