Hate & love

Chapter 42

I knew my sadness was going to stay for a long time. I couldn't believe he did that. I can't express my hatred for him, now.

He was the only one who ever loved me, and to know that he only pitied me, kills me. It hurts to know that he wants me dead. He tried to kill me.

But I wish he was dead, I want him to suffer. I don't know how, but I want him to hurt. He needs to burn.

I want his mother to hate him, beat him daily. So he knows how it feels to be unloved by the one who should love you more than the world. Especially when you don't have your sanity. After your dad died.

I want his dad to die. So he knows what that's like. To have your favorite person die, the one who saved you.

I wish he was born like this, so he has no memories of what being sane feels like. So he can't figure out what it's like to be one person.

I just want him to know what my life was. What it still is. I want to hurt him. Have him suffer.

He needs to know. Then he can come back and say those things to me. I don't believe he has half as hard as I do.

I turned around and saw doctors or so. Nurses? I'm not sure what they were, but they were very concerned.

My head was pounding with every thought of what had happened. With every shaky breath in took in.

I didn't know my cries were so loud. But they were. They tried to calm me but I refused.

Why would I stop? I was being beaten. I wasn't going to just sit there quietly, like I never was even hurt.

It did hurt, bad. Emotionally I was already a wreck, I was holding on by a thread. Which he just cut off. I was now broken.

Physically, I was abused. I always had been. But by him, was so horrible, I couldn't live like this.

I'm barley able to breath. It hurts too bad. I feel like my ribcage is going to collapse and puncture my heart. It is horrible.

I hear my self cry frantically. Knowing I'm moving too much, I try to steady myself. But it's no use. It's too hard. I cry. I cry for so long.

My eyes hurt from crying. They're red and puffy, they sting. I rub them, only making them hurt worse.

I feel my hands get pulled away from my eyes, but I ignore this. I continue my crying and feel like I want to scream.

I don't, though. I don't want to be loud. Mom wouldn't like that. She'd surely be angered, If I was noisy.

I was whispering to myself. Things I couldn't comprehend. But they were jumbled and nonsense.

"Why? I don't know. I hate this. You and myself. Yes, very much. I, l-l-loathe you. Yeah, I do." I started with my hysteria.

I was laughing now, and the reason I didn't know. But I was. It went on for a little while until I calmed down.

"it hurts" I whined.

They didn't say anything to me, which made me angry. If they don't answer me I'm going to scream.

"Answer me!" I yelled.

"I'm sorry, it's going to hurt." He said faking his calmness.

"Why?"

"You got hurt."

"Will it stop?" I asked.

"Hopefully." He replied.

"Okay." I nodded.

I turned back around, wincing in pain as I moved.

Why did he have to hurt me this long. Why did he like hurting me? What is his problem? I would never hurt someone like that.

I barely did anything to him. He was way more harsh. He didn't have to bring up my mom. But, he did.

Everything is happening too fast.

With that in felt a searing pain in my arm, and felt dizzy.

The world went dark, and I knew what happened. I knew I was going to have a flashback. I was right.

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Flashback:

"Mom?" My voice was weary.

"What do you want now?" She yelled.

"I, um..." I trailed off.

"Finish your sentences."

"Um...I don't know...um...never mind, sorry." I tried to go back upstairs.

"Get in here!" She snapped.

I ran in and stood in front of her. She got up and backed me in the corner I shuddered by her being close.

"I looked at grades. Explain." She said madly.

"I just, didn't understand." I gulped.

"Tell me, why, you are so stupid." She spat.

"I'm not. I just can't." I cowarded down.

My mind erupted with abuse from myself.

I couldn't handle anything. I knew if I screamed I'd be hurt, and that would be worse.

It happened anyways.

My body was slammed into the wall and I felt myself slip in and out of consciousness. Black dots filled my vision, and I cried.

Why does she do this? I thought she was supposed to love me. But she doesn't. That breaks me.

I see her foot come in contact with my face, i see the smirk on her face. I see it fade. I see it change.

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I wake up. I knew it was nothing. They were probably just needing to check me, and knew I was in too much pain to be awake for that.

I wasn't afraid anymore, I didn't hate them anymore. I understood. It wasn't their faults I hated them. I shouldn't have.