Dear you

black tears and black bruises

Dear you 

You've fucked me up. 

I feel so alone now, you left me so empty 

I'm constantly checking my phone but it's so silent and empty

And at the same time, I am so afraid, I don't want to see you ou talk to you 

I miss you so much 

And I cannot reconnect with you because it's time to move on and also because you've done so many things that hurted the only person still at my side and I do not want to lose him

Sometimes I just want to have one last conversation with you 

I sometimes feel sadness

I always feel anger (and mainly hatred towards myself). Dear You, I know you wouldn't be proud of me (well It's not even like I wanted you to be proud of me right now...) but I sometimes self harm and I am ashamed 

I cannot tell my family, they'll be so sad and wouldn't understand 

I cannot tell the one I love because he's the type of person who would try to help me so bad he'll suffer if he doesn't succeed (and he won't)

I barely told my therapist but we don't talk about that 

It's just that sometimes, these bursts of hatred and anger are too much and I can't scream or punch something to make it disappear 

I feel pain in any case, tho. My heart is so heavy when I feel it spinning in my chest. Some days my ribcage just feels empty. These days I even barely know how to breathe properly. I swear It's fucking complicated

Dear you, sometimes I want us to be friends again. I read our convos and here it goes

I miss my bestie who gossipped with me and did shopping with me and hugged me to sleep when I was down or simply to say hello. I miss my bestie who wrote an entire story with me and who travelled with me and who danced with me. 

But I don't miss the You who gossipped about me and who started to leave me alone every Friday (we used to eat together because it was the only moment we could spend time with each other). I do not miss the You who hurted my other friends. I don't miss the You who made fun of me in front of a bunch of people. I do not miss the You who never admitted some things between us were wrong . I do not miss the person who let me down for a concert I was only willing to attend for your birthday. I don't miss the person who never let me express my true feelings. 

It's childish to think about that because friends come and go. But it appears that I'm grieving (well, my therapist and my family say so) and I'd say that I'm doing pretty bad

Oh, just thought about how last year when my Valentine's day was ruined you hugged me to sleep and wiped my tears. Little did I know, back then, that it was your fault. Well, it was Her fault because she told you lies about my relationship with my loved one and you believed them.

If only you knew what She told behind your back. When You and I stopped talking, she has been so mean. So much of a bitch ! She called you a wimpy and childish attention whore, and many other names. She said She couldn't stand you anyway. What an hypocrite. 

That's when I decided to drop Her. Didn't lose much of a friend, this day. We both know She'd be laughing if she was able to see the bruises on my arms and the tears on my cheeks and the 17lbs I lost since August because I'm all alone and I do not depend on Her anymore. 

Your absence, You, hurts and heals at the same time