Dear you

mental health and birthday cake

Dear you

As I am writing, I've just stopped to cry. 

I've been overthinking all day. 

20 minutes ago I began to think about how I would end my own self and I got terrified. I don't want to think about my death. I don't want to imagine the pain my family would go through. I'm terrified of my own thoughts, I'm really afraid, what if next time I don't have the strenght to control myself? 

You don't know it, or maybe someone told you but I'm having a rough time. It's been nearly a month since I have been diagnosed with severe depression (the therapist said I have been in this state for maybe a few months now).

I told him how She made me weak. How She was manipulating and gaslighting us. I told him about her "social experiments", about her lies, about the humiliations, about the dilemmas. I didn't told you at that time, I'm sorry. She was always saying She was doing it because She wanted the best for me, and I believed her. He thought She was toxic. I don't know how soon I will recover. The therapist said I would need proper medication and 6 months (maybe more) of therapy 

You and your boyfriend made fun of me when I first told you how I was afraid for my mental health because of what She made me endure throughout the past years. Your boyfriend - do you know how awful of a person he is?- told me to stay far away from you, alone with my "fake bad mental state".

Well, You, I hope you'll never ever have to go through some kind of mental health problems. First reason : because it sucks. Second reason : because I think I still love your good side and I don't want you to be sad. Third reason : he would do a shitty job at comforting and supporting you. 

Honestly. You may think he didn't support me because he didn't like me, but remember our friend L ? There was a time where he was clinically depressed. He even tried to commit suicide, back when we didn't know him. Remember ? He told us many times.

Well, your boyfriend knew but didn't care at all and called it all fake. Didn't know he had a psychology phd. 

Anyways. 

As I said, I've been overthinking.

L invited me to his birthday party. He mentionned you and your boyfriend would be here too. 

I don't want to say no because I like L. I felt like shit when I said no to Ts birthday party. I like him too but you were here. 

I don't want to say no because I know you will make fun of me if I don't go. I think I want to prove myself my ability to recover from you. But, erm. This ability is not in stock right now.

Fun fact (or not ) : today my horoscope told me to not push my limits too hard and at first I laughed because I'm on my period and I thought it was all about how I should slow down at uni today because my endometriosis is giving me a hard time (I seriously thought I was going to faint. My back was soooo painful and so were my legs and my tummy)

Trust me or not, I trust my horoscope. Once I was stalking your Instagram page and it told me to stop stalking because i didn't have to know about those who were in my life. I know, it's creepy

Talking about Instagram, I cannot bear the sight of those pics where you are smiling with the others because it looks so much like you forgot about me. And those girls commenting on your pictures... yeah I still get jealous even though I don't think I want you back in my life 

That's all for today. I still have a lot to say but I feel a bit weak and I do not want to vent too much