HIM .. Joe Goldberg

HAPPINESS

HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN, that's what The Beatles said. I couldn't agree more, happiness is a dangerous thing. Nevertheless, I'm desperate for happiness with you, Joe, that I broke my best friend's legs and laid her out on her bed.

Tell me that this is worth it, Joe. Tell me we'll be together at the end, tell me that one day I'll feel better.

I'm crying on the couch. Hannah is still unconscious on the bed, but I know that it's only a matter of time before she wakes up and things begin to register for her. Crap, crap, crap. I'm not a bad person, Joe. I don't do this type of stuff. Who would want to be in a situation like this? I'm not a killer, Joe. I don't wake up in the morning thinking of how I can be a monster. I just want love. I'm a good person, Joe. Please say you believe me.

I still hear the chilling sound of her bones breaking in the back of my head, the hammer that created red. Red that will pave the way to happiness, I hope.

I'm a good person, and I do things to ensure the good in my life. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. Too tired. You call me gorgeous. You don't force me to get high or brand me or beg me to touch you. You are the nicest person I've ever met, Joe. I can't lose you.

Oh, fuck. What am I supposed to do?

Then suddenly, a shine of light. My phone buzzes to life from the floor beside the couch. You're calling me, checking in. Did you have a feeling something was wrong? That I was upset?

I answer before I realize what I'm doing, and it dawns on me that I'd have no idea how to reply if you ask what's wrong. What am I supposed to say? I kidnapped my best friend and crippled her? Something tells me that wouldn't sit well with you.

I only have to say hey for you to notice the tears in my voice. One word, and you're concerned for me. If I wasn't drowning in sorrow, I would have taken a moment to really appreciate that.

"You alright, Brit? It sounds like your crying."

Think! Will you ask to come over if I tell you me and Hannah had a fight? Would you want to check in if I said Liam was at it again? Hannah is officially out of the picture, you will never see her again. How can I finalize that?

"Hannah left the apartment this morning and hasn't come back, I'm really worried."

The words spill from my mouth before I have the chance to reconsider them. She left the apartment. Yeah. She was suicidal, do you remember Hannah from Thirteen Reasons Why? Like a dying cat, Hannah drifted from the apartment in search for a place to die alone. In peace. She deserves that.

You're still concerned. "Oh, no. She hasn't contacted you or anything?"

"No, and she was pretty upset when she left. She said she wanted to talk to Liam."

I hear the anger in your voice when you answer next, and I'm struck with a pang of jealously. Why are you feeling protective over her? Why do you care? Do you like her, Joe?

"You didn't try and stop her before she left?"

Are you putting this on me?

I'm defensive in my reply. "What could I do, Joe? Force her in her room? She's a grown woman."

"You know that Liam is no good."

"She would have left anyway."

"But you didn't even try-"

I interrupt you because a disgusting taste swarms my mouth. I try to swallow it, but remnants stretch across my tongue and the inside of my cheeks. A flare ignites in my stomach, and I hold the phone tighter. "Joe," my voice is eerily calm, "what are you doing?"

You hesitate. "What?"

"It sounds like you're getting mad at me for something that was out of my control, and I just wanted to know if I'm hearing correctly." Sharp. My words pierce you, and you take a few moments to recover.

"I just don't understand why you would let someone go back to their abuser."

"It was out of my control!"

There it is. The first moan coming from Hannah's bedroom. She's awake, and she's feeling an intense amount of pain. I immediately grow cold.

But you're still heated, and you're yelling at me even though our argument feels a hundred miles away. Hannah is awake. What am I going to do with her? How long until Charlie finds out?

Your anger doesn't phase me anymore. "Brit, what if she got hurt? We spend all night making sure she's alright, and then you're just going to let her-"

Another moan, this time a bit louder. Hannah is mumbling. "Brit...Britney..."

I say without emotion, "I have to go."

"What? Brit-"

"Bye, Joe. I'll call you later."

"Britannia, wait-"

I end the call. The apartment grows sickly quiet. Then Hannah begins to moan again. "Brit...my legs..."

Tears arise and I bite into the side of my hand to keep from screaming. Everything is falling apart, you will probably hate me forever. Charlie is going to kill me. I smashed my best friend's legs with a hammer.

Skin breaks, my mouth swells with blood. I shut my eyes and tears drip down my face, Hannah continues to cry in pain. This is terrible, Joe. What did you make me do?

I'd hate you if I didn't love you so much.