Feelings

Chapter 12 : Horrible person

Merediths POV

I'm sitting waiting in the Range Rover for Harry to come back. I made him walk Luke inside to his dorm because he is so drunk, but he hasn't come back yet. I sigh, and text him.
'I'm tired, what's taking so long?'
'Be right out.' He texts back.
I lay my head against the window, and close my eyes. I. Exhausted from the Rams and rush of the night, and it's 2:30 am. I just want to go to sleep. After another minute or two, Harry's door opens and I look over to see him hop into the Range Rover.
"Sorry. Luke was trying to find money to pay you back, and he wouldn't let me leave." He hands me a wad of crumpled bills. I count up two hundred, and then start laughing.
"What?"
"We should give Luke some of this back." I giggle.
"Why?"
"The money I gave that guy was a twenty and then a whole bunch of ones." I grin. "He probably got around $70 dollars."
"Luke owes you." Harry points out.
"True. We'll use this for the hotel."
"Guess we'll get a suite."
"Why not?" I yawn.
He chuckles, and starts the car, pulling away from the dorms.
"Harry?"
"Yeah?" He glances over at me curled up on the seat.
"Why are you being so nice?" I can't help thinking back to the first days, when he was a possessive violent jerk. But that all disappeared so fast. People don't change that quickly, not in the real world.
"Maybe I always have been?" He says it like a question.
"I think that's true." I say, closing my eyes and falling asleep.

Harrys POV

I look over at her, sleeping. I am the unluckiest guy in the world. I don't want this. Two years ago, I could have handled this. No problem. But after Katherine I realized what a dick I was and I gave up smoking, and I tried to get better so my mum would want me around and Gem wouldn't be disappointed. I was so close to simply being a jerk, and sex addict, instead of someone who ruins lives, but I couldn't escape my past. If I don't fuck her, and ruin her, then he'll ruin Gem. But if I do, then she will never trust me, and I'll lose her. AND if Gem finds out I could lose her too, and Mum. They say 'blood is thicker than water' and 'family first' but what help is that if I lose my family in the process of putting them first. I decided the day she didn't leave for Yale to just let it go. I can't stop myself from having the feelings I do, and at the very least they could help me with what I have to do. I hate the thought.
I pull in to the first nice hotel I see, and quickly go inside with Mere's cash to get a room. When I get back to the car, she's sitting awake.
"I got us a suite." I tell her, helping her out.
"Ok." She nods, obviously tired.
We walk into the hotel, and use the elevator to head up to our room on the third floor. When I open the door, she runs and flops onto the bed, fake snoring.
"I'm so tired. What am I going to sleep in?" She looks down at her skinny jeans and work shirt.
"You can have my boxers and t-shirt, and I'll just wear my sweatpants." I offer.
"Ok." She nods, yawning yet again.
I'm surprised by her answer, but head to the bathroom to remove my boxers and shirt, pulling the sweatpants back on. When I head back out, she walks forwards, and takes the clothes from me, disappearing into the bathroom. I drop my shoes by the end of the bed, and then turn when the door to the tiny bathroom opens. She pads out quietly, looking shy. The shirt is slightly too long, and baggy, and the boxers hug her hips loosely. She looks entirely fuckable, but at the same time I just want to watch her sleep.
"Why are you staring?" She asks.
I just want to kiss her. "Because you're beautiful." I'm not used to using such nice words, but they just spill out when I'm around her.
Her cheeks turn pink. "Thanks." She whispers, walking towards me.
I wrap my arms around her, and I can feel her chest against mine. She isn't wearing a bra, just my shirt, and it's all I can do not to pull it over her head. Instead I kiss her, and she kisses back. I step back, taking her with me, until I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, and she moves to sit on my lap. Her legs wrap around my waist, but it's not in any kind of sexual advance. She reminds me of a child, who is defiant, but still needs someone to hold them when they're scared. Our lips don't part, and I hug her waist tightly. Her hands reach for my hair, a trick she learned that day in the park. I groan, and force my tongue into the kiss. She returns the favor, something she's only become confident in the past few days. It's strange, but I'm proud of her. Proud of her for being more confident and proud of her for making the hard decision to stay home to help her family, and proud of her for stalling that hitchhiker.
"You're beautiful." I breath. I'm not sure why I said it but it's true, and it's like I said, the words just come out when I'm with her.
"Harry..." She starts, "what are we doing?"
"Living in the moment." I reply honestly, because if I were living in the past I'd have fucked her by now, and if I were living in the future I wouldn't let myself enjoy this this much but I'm just living right now so I savor her lips and tongue, and her legs around my waist.
"I like this moment." She says, kissing me hard. "Lay down."
I'm surprised yet again, but I oblige, laying down on my back. She's straddling me now, and she starts to run her fingers along my chest.
"I'm glad your bruises are gone." She says, her hands on my stomach now. My breathing quickens when she traces down my v-lines.
"What are you doing?" I ask, the lower her fingers go.
"Living in the moment." She says, a twinkle in her eyes.
"Meredith, wait.." I stop her hands. I know that I have to stop her now, because if she keeps going I won't be able to.
"Harry.." She whispers. "I...."
I shake my head, still holding her hands. "You don't... You don't have to ok?"
"I know." She nods. She's so innocent, and I'm not sure I can go through with this. All I can think of is Jake.
"Then..."
"I..." She takes a deep breath. "I want to."
"But what about-"
"Harry, I don't want him to be my only experience. I just... I can't forget about it and..." She rambles.
"It's ok." I put my finger to her lips. "I get it. But are you sure?"
"I'm sure." She nods.
"Ok." I let go of her hands.
"I don't know what to do." She whispers.
I smile. "It's ok. Kiss me first." The thought of talking her through this both appeals to me, and scares me to death.
She nods, and I lean up to kiss her. She kisses back easily, her body relaxing slightly.

Meredith's POV
*one hour later*

It was the intimate thing I've ever done. I was so nervous, but he was so patient, and kind. I can't fall asleep now, even though the room is dark. Harry is sleeping next to me, breathing evenly. I cuddle into his chest, his arm draped over me, but I can't sleep. My mind keeps replaying what happened, and I can't wipe the smile off my face. I was worried I'd be disappointed after, or that I'd regret it. I told myself over and over why I was doing it. I couldn't stand my only sexual experience being rape, and I wanted to show Harry I care, and it was something that didn't involve me losing my virginity. The hotel room is freezing, and I pull the blankets up over my shoulders, laying as close to Harry and his body heat as I can. I know I need sleep, but I can't find it. I'm not disappointed in myself, and I don't regret what I did. I don't feel like vomiting when I think about that party anymore, because I don't remember it as vividly anymore. I don't remember the feeling, because I can only think of Harry. I've never felt closer to any person before, and it's such a nice feeling.
"Harry?" I whisper. He doesn't wake up, so I whisper a little louder. "Harry?"
Hi eyes flutter open. "Hmm?"
"I can't sleep." I whisper.
"Why not?" He's grinning.
"You're snoring." I lie.
"Really?" He looks surprised.
"No." I giggle.
He laughs quietly.
"It's TOO quiet in here." I say softly. "I always sleep with a fan at home."
"Do you want me to hum all night?" He says. "Hmmm. HMMMMM."
"No, shhhh." I put my finger to his lips, laughing. "You're so dumb."
"Sorry."
"Do you mind if I play music on my phone."
"Not if it's quiet." He says, yawning.
I roll over, and he hugs my waist from behind as I turn my 'sleep' playlist on, and an Ed Sheeran song comes on. I'm asleep in minutes.

Harrys POV

I roll over slowly, trying not to wake Mere. I have a text from Jake.
'This is taking too long.'
I close my eyes, not liking where this is going.
'What are you getting at?' I respond.
'You have three days to get in her pants and hand over the tape or you dump her, and we've already got a new target lined up.' He sends.
This can't be happening. My stomach clenches, in anger.
'Have you ever realized what a douche you are?' I send. 'Have you noticed what I sick, horrible person you are?' I continue. 'What a total bastard you are?'
'Don't forget what you did to Katherine. We're no different.' He sends.
'I'm SORRY. I'm sorry, Jake. It wasn't supposed to happen, none of that was. But you're doing this on purpose, out of spite, and you aren't sorry. That's how we're different.' I type furiously.
'I know who and how you were then. You didn't care shit for her.'
'That's where you're wrong. Not a day goes by that I don't regret what I did. I can't change it, but I can prevent it from happening again.' I've got to convince him.
'That's where YOU'RE wrong. Three days.' Is is answer.
My mind races with my options. I can't rape her. I could never do that. I can't trick her. I could just do nothing, break up with her, and I wouldn't have to deal with it. But I can just picture her. I was her first true sexual experience and three days later I leave her, and I was the only one that supported her decision to stay home from college and then I disappear. I can't do that. She'd be a mess. I could get her drunk. Maybe she'd sleep with me then, and she probably wouldn't eve remember it the next morning. I want to punch myself, or someone else to. It doesn't matter who hits me, but someone needs to. I start to plan.

*4:00 pm*

"Thank you." She meets my eyes as I park in her drive way.
I nod quickly, nervously. I'm a horrible person.
"Are you ok?" She frowns.
"I'm fine, I'm just still tired." I lie.
"Sorry. Go home and sleep."
"I will."
I watch her climb out of the car.
"Harry?" She looks up, seemingly nervous as well. "Last night..."
"You don't have to..."
"No. It's ok." She cuts me off. "I just... I want you to know... I don't, I don't regret it." She chews her lip.
I feel like vomiting. "Me either."
"Bye." She waves slightly, closing the door and waking into her house. I pull out, and start to drive. I only make it halfway down her street when I pull over, and start to cry. I haven't cried in a long time, but I can't stop it now. We're going out tomorrow night, to one of Nialls party's. I'm going to get her drunk, and I'm going to convince her to sleep with me. The thought of it runs through my head over and over and I've never not wanted to have sex with someone this badly. I let out a choked sob. I try to tell myself that she won't remember it, but what if she does? And either way, it doesn't matter. I'm going to take advantage of her. I run my fingers through my hair, trying not to tear at it as I cry. I will never forgive myself for this. I know that, I know I won't ever forgive myself. I have no other options, though. I can't call the police without turning myself in as well. I don't know what else to do.