Feelings

Chapter 19 :

Merediths POV

On my way back to the table, I start to feel guilty. This trip was a rash decision, and maybe I shouldn't have come. My mom and I may have had a disagreement but it's not something we can work out. I can't just run away from my problems, and scare the people that care about me while doing it.
"You alright?" Niall asks when I sit back down.
I look at him, feeling bad that I pulled him into this. "I don't think I can go to Florida," I tell him.
He nods slowly. "Ok."
"I'm really sorry I made you drive this far and buy all that stuff at the stores, but I just can't run away from this and there's people at home I need to talk to, and..." I take a deep breath but Niall cuts me off.
"Mere, it's ok," he says, "I'll take you home."
"I just feel bad," I chew on my lip.
"I didn't expect to make it to Florida anyways," he tells me.
"You didn't?" I frown.
"No, I figured once Harry called we'd be turning around," he admits, shrugging.
"Oh," I say, embarrassed that he was right.
"Let's finish dinner, and then we can start driving back."
"Thank you, Niall."

Harrys POV

I've been sitting on my couch for the past 20 minutes after I hung up with Mere. When I got home and saw her note, I'd been so worried, but the longer I sit here I just feel more and more irritated. She's with Niall. She's not with me, but Niall. Why do I even care? Why am I this upset? I try to tell myself it's because I'm simply jealous that he's there and not me, that this is a problem with my pride. That's partly true, but I know it's something else, and it bothers me. I haven't been without her in so long. I need to get out.

When I get to Louis's house, the pounding music immediately makes my head ache and the smoky air makes my nose itch. It never bothers me, but today I'm pissed off.
"Hey mate! Glad you came," Louis grins, clapping me on the back.
"Hey," I say half heartedly.
"You look like you could use a drink," he laughs, handing me a plastic red cup.
"Yeah," I say.
"Hey!" Michael walks up. "Where's Meredith?"
"No idea," I say, taking a big drink from my cup.
"She ditch you?" He jokes.
"No," I snap.
"Someone's grumpy. When's the last time someone blew you?"
I glare at him, my mind going back to the night in the hotel. "None of your business." I say absentminded, remembering her lips.
"Mate?" Louis snaps his fingers in front of my face. "You need a whore."
"Fuck," I swear.
"For real, when's the last time you actually fucked someone?"
"Like a month?" I estimate.
"Jesus, it's a record."
"Either get me another drink or go away," I warn.
Louis laughs, and Michael hands me another cup after a few seconds.
I walk away from them, and end up sitting on the couch.
"Hey, Harry," my cup is pulled from my hand, and then there's someone in my lap, straddling my waist. It's Amber.
"Not now, Amber." I try to get her off my lap.
"No," she places her hand over my mouth. "I have instructions to get you off, and I always do what I'm told."
I try to protest, but she replaces her hand with her mouth, kissing me and grinding her hips against me. I groan, my hips bucking up. She laughs into the kiss, clearly pleased with my reaction.
I've always liked Amber. In a friends with benefits sort of way. She's great in bed, but otherwise she isn't stupid or annoying. She's actually pretty intelligent.
"Let's go upstairs," she breathes.
"No," I shake my head.
"Please, Har?" She sticks her bottom lip out, grinding her hips again. I want to, and maybe I should. But then I flash back to Meres lips around me, and I shake my head.
"No."
"If you don't come upstairs with me I'm going to start things right here," she threatens.
"Am-" I let out a hiss when her fingers find my hair.
"I'm serious," she pushes her hips down, attaching her lips to mine again.
I start to kiss back, my mind racing. I think of the first time I kissed Meredith. I had been so frustrated she refused to kiss back. I can't believe how far she's come in such short time. From me having to pin her to trees, to her giving me a blow job.
"Lets go upstairs," Amber says again.
I let her pull me from the couch, tugging me towards the stairs.
"Hey, Styles."
I turn around, my expressionless face turning to a scowl when I recognize the speaker. It's one of Jakes friends, Ryan.
"Har is in a pissy mood," Amber warns.
"He's always in a pissy mood, especially the past few weeks." I clench my fists and glare, silently daring him to go where I know he's headed. "Where's that pretty little girl you've been bringing around?"
My jaw is clenched, every inch of me prepared to attack. "None of your fucking business."
"Calm down," Amber squeezes my arm.
"Because if you aren't with her anymore, I bet it would be fun to..." But he doesn't finish the sentence. I lunge forward, my fist making contact with his face. I hear Amber shriek, and a few people start to yell, but I ignore them, pounding his face over and over. I'm so pissed, and it scares me. I've never been this angry at the person I'm beating up, except the guy who tried to rape Mere at the first party I took her to. Hands start pulling me off of Ryan, as he curls up in defense. I struggle against them, until something Mere said that day comes to me. 'Harry, please stop, you're frightening me!' I let them pull me away from the scene, vaguely noticing Amber follow. Once we get outside, I recognize the faces belonging to the hands. It's Zayn and Ashton, and Melanie and Amber are here as well. I sit on the porch steps, taking deep breaths. My knuckles are throbbing, and I know there's blood on me.
"What the hell happened?" Zayn asks, sounding out of breath.
My whole body is tense, and I let Amber do the talking. If the guys hadn't pulled me away, I'm not sure what should have happened. I wanted him to hurt so badly for what he said. I thought I could forget about her by coming here and having a drink, but now it's all worse. She's not with me, she's with Niall, and I don't even know where. I know Niall is a good guy, but he's also a whore and the thought of Mere with anyone but me makes me sick.
"I'm leaving," I stand up, ignoring the four of them talking about what just happened.
"You've been drinking," Amber protests. I frown when she flinches away from me, and I realize I probably scared her.mim sure she's seen me beat people up before.
"I..."
I'm cut off when Louis walks out, looking distressed.
"He's in bad condition. Really bad. We're calling an ambulance. You should leave, Harry."
"Fuck," I groan. "Someone's going to rat."
"No they aren't, don't act like this hasn't happened before. We'll tell them a fight broke out and nobody is sure who was part of it. Just don't be here when they are."
I nod, reaching up to run my hand through my hair, but stopping when I remember the blood.
"I'm driving you," Amber says.
"No," I walk past them.
"Har," Amber grabs my arm, wincing when I turn to face her.
"What?" I raise my eyebrow, but she refuses to look at me. "How are you going to drive me home when you can't even look me in the eye, or stand next to me without flinching?"
"I'm sorry, it's just..."
"Harry, the ambulance is on its way," Louis warns. "The shape he's in, I promise they'll arrest you on the spot."
I turn and hurry down the front path, glad nobody follows me. When I reach my car, I drive away quickly, knowing how bad it will be if I'm still here. Halfway to my house, my phone starts buzzing over and over. I know who the texts are from and I know what they'll say and for once I don't care. I turn my phone off, knowing I'm this close to losing it. When I get home, I lock the door, and start pacing my house. Around the living room, up and down the hall, into the bedroom and back out. She's only been here twice but the whole house reminds me of her. I remember her standing awkwardly in the living room. I remember her hand in mine as she lead me down the hallway. I remember her cleaning my wounds in the bathroom, and I remember kissing her there. I remember taking her to the bedroom, thinking I'd get it over with, and never see her again after. I remember her screaming at me, and crying, and I remember not knowing why I felt so awful or why I hated myself so much at the time. I remember being frustrated at the new defiant side of her, but I drove her home anyways and even made sure she'd gotten in ok.
I'm losing it, now, I really am. I have to refrain from running my hands through my hair again, because I still haven't bothered to wash up. I probably should, in case someone does rat me out. I don't want any evidence, although I won't be able to hide my busted knuckles.
I head to the bathroom, my head still spinning with the memories. The wall I pinned her against. I don't have to do that anymore. I don't even miss it, I'd much rather have her kiss me back willingly. Fuck, what am I doing? This is also where I got sick after the party at Zayns. It's where I told her I was sorry. I meant that more than most things I've ever said to her. I turn the faucet on, and rinse the now-dried blood off my hands. I soon discover it's on my arms and even my neck. I don't even remember how much or badly I hit him. Apparently it did enough damage. I take a shower. Once I'm cleaned of the blood, I head to my room. Where she made me take my shirt off, so she could trace my chest. Where she cried into my shoulder until she fell asleep in my arms for the second time that night. Christ I can't stop. I dress in just boxers and sweat pants, heading back to pace the living room. I've got to distract myself before I start thinking insane things. Like waking up to find her making breakfast in the kitchen, or watching tv with her on the couch and fighting over the last piece of pizza. Oh fuck. Fuck. I call Lou.
"Hello?"
"Lou? I need help."
"Why? Is something wrong?" She sounds worried, but I'm glad to hear her familiar voice.
"Yes, Meredith left somewhere and she's not here but she's with Niall and I don't know where, and I can't stop thinking about fucking ridiculous things, like... Well that doesn't matter but Jesus I can't stop," I rush, finally running my fingers through my hair. It doesn't help, though, because I'd rather they were her fingers. "GAH!" I cry out.
"You're kidding me right?" She asks, but she sounds as though she believes me.
"Would I kid about this?"
"Harry, you're jealous. And you miss her. And you sound exhausted, you should get more sleep."
"I get plenty of sleep," I lie, not even bothering with her other statements.
"Have you called her?"
"Yes, she's not coming back til Friday," I seethe.
"That's less than a week," she says, and I can tell she's rolling her eyes.
"But that's... She's with Niall!" I defend.
Lou sighs. "Harry, I don't know what you want me to do."
"I can't stop thinking. About her and what we've done and..." I stop there before I say something stupid.
"I'm glad you didn't follow through with your previous plan," she says.
"I did though," I groan.
"Well I'm glad it didn't work, anyways."
"Me too. Now help me."
"I can't, I'm sorry. Watch tv or something. Don't play soccer though, please, it's cold and dark."
"Yeah, yeah, I won't," I mess with my hair again.
"Call me if you think of anything I can actually do for you, ok?"
"Ok."
"And Harry?"
"Hmm?"
"You should call your mum."
I freeze. I close my eyes, my hand falling limp at my side. "I can't."
"Harry, you have to."
"No, I don't," I clench my teeth.
"She misses you."
"No she doesn't. And she shouldn't. I have to go," I hang up, letting out a shout before collapsing on my couch.
I pull out the envelope she left me, re-reading her note again and again. Then I get my keyboard out. I still haven't tried playing her finished version, because I had been so worried.
After playing it through a few times, I read the note again. 'It's what I thought of after you left and after I played your song' I try to think of when she could have written it. After I left? When did I leave? She must have taken this the time I found her with my notebook. She said she didn't look at it. I try to remember a time I left or walked out. 'Thanks for the groceries,' she wrote. It clicks. This is from after she found out about me hitting Louis. After I'd been bringing groceries. We'd fought, and then we'd kissed, and then I left. 'You're all I want, so much it's hurting.' That's what she thought of. About me? I'm going to go crazy. I turn my phone back on in case she's called, and I check the messages from Jake. I'd been right, they're all from him.
'I know what you did.'
'This doesn't look good for you, does it?'
'Smart of you, not to bring Meredith with you.'
'Oh wait,'
'You don't even know where she is.'
'You'll pay for what you did to Ryan.'
'And you'll pay for what you did to Katherine.'
I also have 12 missed calls from him, but no voicemails. Angry, and not in the mood for his shit, I text him back, knowing I'll regret it.
'Fuck off.'
Before I set my phone down, it buzzes again. My heart lifts when Meres contact flashes on screen.
'I'm fine (: sleep well, I'll see you soon.'
I groan, feeling slightly better that she's still ok. I stare at the ridiculous smiley face, and lay down on the couch, knowing that I won't sleep well, and that Friday certainly isn't soon.