Before You Go (Book 1)

3 - hit and miss

Saint woke up earlier than he usually do. He checked his reflection on the mirror more than he could count. Today was the day he'll be visiting Zee's family. He was hoping Zee himself would be there. Just thinking about what was about to happen makes his heart race. He drove alone. He didn't want to trouble Jimmy and Tommy. They've been bothered enough by him. He sent the two messages letting them know that he'll give an update if anything comes up on his search. Saint couldn't help but recall what happened the last time he saw Zee.

The fans were going crazy as Saint and Zee answers every question the hosts asks of them. They were both trying to sweeten up every answer that they give out.

"Who's a heavy sleeper?" The flamboyant host shouts on the microphone.

"Saint." Zee answered as he points to him with a cheeky grin.

It wasn't true. Zee was always asleep half of the time they're together. He often fall asleep out of nowhere.

"How did you know that? Does he sleep on the set?" The host egged on.

"We slept together. All the time." Zee confidently responded.

The fans screamed even louder. Zee went on to tease the fans and Saint only smiled uncomfortably. He smiled until the event ended.

"Why did you say that?" Saint asked harshly when they were inside the car.

Zee started the engine, completely ignoring him. His bubblines was all but gone.

"Because it's true. And the fans loved it. No harm done." Zee answered as he drive away. Saint fell silent.

It was true. They did more than sleeping. And maybe the problem for him was Zee could joke about it in front of the whole world while Saint can't even remember it without feeling a pinch of guilt in his chest or in most days a heavy anchor on him. Maybe he was the problem all along.

Saint parked his car right across Zee's home. He had only been here once for a promotional video of the series. He got out his car and went to ring the bell on the gate. He rang it thrice and still no one answered. Saint noticed one of the neighbor checking him. He waved and called to her.

"I'm a friend of Zee's. I was just visiting." Saint smiled politely.

"No one lives there anymore. They left." The lady answered.

"Do you know where they went?"

"No. I don't know."

Saint thanked her and went back inside his car.

He sat in silence.

"Saint.. I need you now. Please."

Saint gritten his teeth and his hands balled into a fist. He could feel all his emotions pouring out like a rainstorm. He pounded the steering wheel firmly. He pounded it again, a bit harshly this time. He started to gradually lose it until Saint found himself screaming inside the car as he hits the steering wheel over and over again. His eyes releasing every tears he had frustratingly kept at bay for far too long. He sobbed until he can't anymore.When the wave of his emotions died down he rested his forehead on the steering wheel.

His last hope of finding Zee was now gone. He had hold off on going to Zee's family home. He had thought of it as a last resort. What if he had gone earlier to see him? Would he be here? Saint thought he would get his answers but now he was left with more questions.

He drove back home. He fought his nerves to the best that he can. What can crying do? Zee was gone. He was gone and he is not coming back. Saint didn't want to feel that what happened between them was just a mistake, a lapse of judgement in the heat of the moment. He refused to feel that way because during the moment that Zee was on top of him in between his legs looking straight in his eyes, it felt right. It was as if nothing made sense until that moment. Zee made him felt alive. But right now he couldn't help it. He feels as though every memory with Zee that night is nothing but a mistake.

They were both quiet on the way to the destination. It was painfully silent all the way through. The car stopped in front of Saint's apartment building. He unlocked his seatbelt and so did Zee who was about to get off the vehicle.

"Zee.. I don't think you should sleep over tonight." Saint said softly but loud enough for Zee to hear. He stared at his lap with his hands clutching on his shirt.

"Oh. Uhh. Okay." Zee cleared his throat. He sat back down. He was trying to make it seem like he was unaffected by it in an attempt to save his pride. But he wasn't. And Saint was too caught up in his emotions to notice.

The car drove off into the road until Saint could no longer see it. He wanted to take it back, to call Zee and make him drive back to him. He wanted to tell him that he needed more than what they have. That he was the first man he had given himself and he shouldn't treat it as one of his ways for fanservice.

Saint went home and headed straight to the bathroom to wash his face. He needed to after breaking down a few minutes ago. When he changed his clothes Saint noticed a familiar shirt inside his closet. It was neatly folded.

"I'll stay here on some nights," Zee said out of the blue.

Saint had his head resting on the crook of Zee's neck. He could feel a hand gently stroking his back. Saint was exhausted. Zee had taken him all through the night.

"Why?" Saint looked up at Zee but he could only see his cheek and not his eyes.

"Because that's what I want," Zee responded firmly.

"Okay. Stay here with me."

Saint was kneeling on the floor, clutching on Zee's shirt while his tears cascaded on its own down his cheek.

"Why didn't you stay here with me?"