protected || natasha romanoff [DISCONTINUED]

someone screwed up, and it was probably god.

"i heard grant talking to his friends," i hear a girl say- almost nervously, like she's scared i'll come in- as i stop outside the door.

"she was reading something before training," another says, "i wonder what it was."

a few scuffling noises, and then someone gasps. "she's the black widow."

i wince a little, but don't intervene just yet. maybe they'll realize i was just a child.

"this was dated in the thirties!" the first girl exclaims. "oh, i guess that's kind of sad," she says a moment later.

"but look," someone else says, and it sounds like she's yanking the file back. "she killed that little girl! i remember hearing about it in the paper. it was really gruesome- her eyes were gouged out of her skull, apparently." there are considerably less girls in training compared to the boys, and it sounds like they're all gathered around to learn about my past.

i should wait, but... i open the door loudly and stalk back into the room, ripping the file out of the girls' hands. "for the record, i gouged her eyes out after she was already dead." believe it or not, i've done worse. just not to little girls.

"what did she do to you?" one girl asks.

"i was just following orders," i say defensively. i didn't have a choice. did i? did i join the red room willingly? it was my freedom or ivan's life. was it my freedom or my life? and- no, the file is fake. there are a few true facts sprinkled throughout, so i believe it, but the rest is false.

"oh, um, director carter wants to see you," a girl says quietly.

"you should ask her why she let a murderer in," a braver girl shouts as i leave.

i just nod and storm out, slamming the door behind me. i stomp my way up to her office, pausing to compose myself right before i knock. i still have my file in my hand.

"come in!"

i open the door and smile at the older lady.

"have a seat, natalia," she says with a smile. "you were so cooperative last time, i'm sorry we have to do this again."

"it's okay," i say, sitting down. it's not.

carter smooths out her skirt. "i've realized i do need to know about your past."

"that's fine," i say, and she pulls out a notebook. i wonder how much of this i can forge. "where do i start?"

"i'm assuming you've read through your file by now. how about that diary entry from nineteen thirty one?"

"i'm sorry, i wasn't alive then. i also don't keep a diary," i say politely. that must've been what the girls were talking about.

"you didn't write it, but it is about you. may i see?" she says, gesturing at the file. i pass it to her reluctantly. she opens it, and the diary entry is at the top. she pulls it out and reads it before showing me. it's in russian- i didn't know carter knew russian.

08/12/1931
the nazis lit a building in stalingrad on fire today, mostly full of innocent civilians. one mother threw her baby out of a window, she looks to be about three. her name is natalia. if there is any god out there, we need his help more now than ever. this wasn't supposed to work.

i shake my head. "i don't know," i admit.

she sighs. "anything is helpful."

"we are not close anymore. this was probably forged," i say, cooperating for now. i want to know how much she knows. if i kill her, it doesn't matter how much i tell her.

"this was given to me from an inside source. it's what blew his cover, actually. and got his daughter killed. you're much older than we thought, natalia. so, what brings you to america, fifty three years later, claiming to be nineteen?"

i keep a blank face. "this is new information, but my superiors have kept things from me before, but always for good reasons."

"well, they aren't your superiors anymore, and i've been nothing but honest with you," she snaps. "all you've ever known is fear, but i'm not afraid of you."

"i have known more than fear," i hiss. "i have loved. i have emotions too." as much as i hate it, it makes sense. all my years as an assassin blend together.

"i was expecting you storm out just then. you won't leave until i tell you to, will you?"

i open my mouth, then close it. "i have some survival instincts."

she smiles a little bit. "let's put those to use, then. i want a timeline of your time in the red room, and then as an agent." she pulls out a notebook, laying it on the desk. she holds her pen above it, ready to start writing. "start from the beginning."

she'll be dead soon anyways. "when i was three, what ivan said happened... happened. i travelled with him for... until... until i was, you know, around the red room's recruitment age. they cornered us. i could either let him die, or accept a spot as a student in the red room."

"do you know if this was a trap, or..?"

he had a reason, i want to interject, he just wanted me to be the best i could be. but i have to be loyal to america, for now. "i don't know," i admit.

she nods, accepting the answer. "i was one of the best students to ever come out of the black widow program," i say, trying not to sound so proud.

"alright," carter says, drawing a line through the page. it feels a little like she doesn't care, but why should she be proud of me? "continue."

i sigh. "and then... i was used as an assassin." i leave james and alexei out of my story- that the least i can do for them.

"they tricked you. they brainwashed you, natalia, and i hope you realize that. some of your memories are false, or at the very least changed," carter says bluntly. "i know their tactics. i've been there. every little thing there was being used against you."

"i already told you i was the best agent there. i'm... efficient. i could've killed you all easily. i can't believe i was away when you broke in."

"natalia, do you know of anyone by the name-" she scans her page, ignoring my comment- "alexei shostakov?"

"yes," i whisper, rubbing my wrist.

"he's not dead. they wanted you two separated. we don't know where he is, but he's alive."

and then my world, my fake, fake fucking world, comes crashing down. but i hide my shock. "i don't question my superiors decisions," i say, but it hurts now, knowing my handlers lied to me. i can't see any benefit to this. and how did SHIELD know?

"from what i can guess, you're in your fifties at least. you have some enhancements, maybe not as many as- as captain america. you've definitely been brainwashed- at first, in the red room, then to believe you were a ballerina, then to love shostakov, and finally to be loyal to russia."

"no- everyone is- we're all loyal to our countries- they just- i was just serving my country," i choke out. i should be more composed. she's probably lying to me, my whole file is a fake, she just wants me to turn my back on russia-

"that's because of the red room. i'm so sorry, natalia."

"don't call me that," i say, "i want to use my english name. my name is natasha."

she nods. i could use this one of two ways, depending on how i want this to play out. it'll either make me seem loyal to SHIELD before i kill her, or it'll give me a fresh start.

i told myself i wouldn't be sentimental, i wouldn't trust anyone or anything, or ever love again. but my heart has been shattered once again.