When the Camellia blooms

Camellia Blooms - TWENTY

Forgiveness

I don't think I can forgive him.

But I can't forgive myself the most.

They say that forgiveness will set you free from your sadness, but I don't want to free myself. I want to suffer from pain, to be imprisoned in my own misery.

I don't want to be free.

I don't want to forget.

I don't want to forgive.

...

There's a lot of words I want to say to him, some were even curses. But I held it in in the tip of my tounge, I don't want to create more trouble for myself.

"I don't have the patience to do this to you" I coldly spat and was about to left him in the room when I felt a grip on my wrist.

"Why can't you answer me?" He was no longer smiling, his eyes were the same as that night.

My sight kept on interlapping with the present him and the future him. My chest kept on heaving and I was suddenly seeing dark spots.

I knew I was having a panic attack.

"Let me go!" I tried to take my hand off of his but he didn't even budge a bit.

"Tell me first" he sounds too rushed, looking into my tembking hand, I didn't notice the frantic look in his eyes.

"Why? Why do you have to do this to me again!" I shouted, I can't help it.

It feels too stiffling, my heart can't take anymore and I just erupted.

We were gazing at each other, he suddenly unclasped his hold on mine. For a second, he look so dejected, his hands were limp beside his body and I could faintly see the underlying emotion in his eyes.

Why?

Why is he doing this?

"Did you ever ask yourself over what I did so... wrong to you that made you see me this...way?

Right there and then I feel myself getting angry over myself.

I was too emotional, I was suddenly thrusted into this situation without any preparedness. I felt so stifled, so scared about everything.

I guess I'm still an immature child.

"You...you didn't do a-anything"

I knew that he was not at fault.

He's a nobody in this life of mine now.

He's not mine.

He's just a classmate.

***
Did it feel too rushed? I hope it's not, it's just a representation of what she feels in this situation.

I don't want to create an unflawed character especially those who have reincarnated, I felt that their too calm and collected sometimes.

I want you all to see how her feelings get ahead of her, how she's at fault too.

Anyways, there's a lot of chapters so I hope you can support me still!

Please do VOTE.COMMENT.SHARE.

Thank you!