When the Camellia blooms

Camellia Blooms - FIFTY- ONE

Cry

I shouldn't cry now that I'm already big.

You know? Big girls don't cry, but why do I still cry?

I locked my emotions and seal them in the deepest part of my mind while I showed how calm I am to the world.

I was suffering.

Still.

I think if I wake up, everything will vanish, every little thing that I had achieved in this day will be gone in just a blink.

Just...let me sleep for a while.

Please.

...

I was shaking and tears clouded my vision, before I knew it, I left my office and was about to take a taxi when someone held me by my wrist.

"Let me go! Let go!" I screamed as more tears poured into my eyes.

"Calm down or else you'll be sent to the hospital and not as a visitor but as a patient!" A familiar voice said and I hear some extreme worry on his tone.

"I can't... I-I have to go! N-now!" I cried, my whole body shaking as I collapsed outside our company.

I didn't knew what was happening until I was carried into a car and a voice telling someone to go to the nearest hospital.

I was silent as I prayed for every deities up above, please let me see him again.

Not him.

I still haven't-

"Callia"

"Huh?"

His fingers wiped a few stray tears in my face as he held my hand, tightly as if he was afraid of something.

"Tell me" his thumb is continuously rubbing circles on my hand and that allowed me to calm myself.

"He...uh...am accident...car accident...he was..ugh...he was t-there" I sniffled as he caressed my back while I cried again.

"Who?"

"Yuu"

...

In these moments, all that I realize is that the saying 'feeling regret after it's already been lost' is true.

I should have told him- but what should I say?

I don't even know my feelings, but I knew for sure that my heart is aching for him.

I hate that I can't decide but I will hate myself more if I didn't tell him my thoughts.

I will wait for him and until then, I will sort out my feelings.

For him and for me.

"Callia" Yuu's mother have a coffee in her hands and before I knew it, it's already on my hands.

"You shouldn't neglect yourself, have some food too" Yuu's father said as he handed me some porridge.

I wanted to reject it but found myself eating.

They're right, I shouldn't waste my energy. I should eat so I can stay here. Even though I can't taste anything, I just ate and finally, after 8 hours of waiting the doctor arrived.

"How's my son?"

"Is he okay?"

I was already up on my feet and with a smile, the doctor nodded. Finally, I could rest my heart in peace.

"Callia, you should go home now. We'll drive you home" Yuu's mother said in concern.

"It's fine, I... I have someone with me" I smiled and looked at the hospital door for a moment then came outside.

"How is he?"

"The operation was a success, uhm...thank you for...staying a-and...for calming me down" I whispered as I looked down on my feet.

His face still lingers on my mind, that look in his eyes is the same look I had in the past.

But I knew if I had been given a new chance to be with him, I wouldn't take it.

I can't let my heart break for a person who has hurt me again and again.

I'm a human, not a stone.

I took a taxi home and watched Ru Wu Jie took off. I knew he must have felt sad but even so, I can't hurt myself.

I don't want to hurt him too.

I knew I can stay on the hospital to be with Yuu but I knew that I couldn't face him with my current state. I should go to my house and sleep and then wake up early to visit him.

Then I'll tell him.

I'll tell him my thoughts.

***
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