The Good and The Bad ~ Percabeth

thirty eight

[unedited]

p.j.

I knock on the door. I hope she's home.

It flies open almost instantly. "Percy?"

"Hey mom."

"Come on in," she says, folding me into a hug. "What's going on? Where's Annabeth?"

"She's at home." I take my sweater off and hang it on the rack. "Is Paul home?"

My mom shakes her head. "No, he had a meeting today." She watches me as I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge. I take out a can of Coke and grab a blue chocolate chip cookie from the jar on the counter. "Percy, what's wrong?"

"Do you mind if I stay here for a bit?"

She frowns. "That's obviously fine, but you have to tell me what's going on."

"If I knew what was going on, I would tell you," I say. I sit down at the kitchen table and she comes to stand beside me. She starts rubbing the back of my head and I instantly feel a bit better. "I think she loves someone else, Mom. What am I supposed to do?"

"Has she told you that?"

"No, but..."

"Annabeth isn't the chattiest person you've ever met, is she?" My mom says. She grabs another cookie and sets it down in front of me. "You might be reading it wrong."

"I seriously doubt it," I say.

"Why are you assuming?" She asks. "Why can't you just talk to her about it?"

"I try, Mom," I say, my voice breaking. A rush of emotions comes at me so fast and all of a sudden, my voice is throaty and my eyes are brimming with tears. "I try and talk to her but she's so unreceptive and she doesn't give me anything back. Gods, I love her so fucking much but I just... I don't think I'm the only person she loves anymore and it's so hard for me. It's so hard. I don't know what to do."

"Go have a shower. Stay here as long as you need. You'll figure out what you need to do." My mom heads down the hall to her room, and I almost laugh. She's so good. She knows I need to be alone right now, but she also is putting my brain on the right track. I need to think long and hard about what I need to do about Annabeth, and where better than in the shower? I head to the bathroom and strip out of my clothes. I turn the water on warmer than it probably needs to be and climb in. I start thinking.

I've never loved anyone or anything to the same degree that I love this girl. I don't really understand it, but I know it. The situation she's in now is similar to the one I was in when I was sixteen. It was different because I wasn't committed to her at that point, but I started to feel things for another girl. Rachel made me feel like I wasn't just the son of the sea god. When I was with her, I felt normal. I almost ruined things with Annabeth because I became obsessed with the feeling I got when I was with Rachel. That was so valid, was it not? Once, though, I got used to feeling like that, I realized I didn't need her to feel that way. I could do that alone. And then what? She was just a regular friend. She still is just a regular friend. I was so caught up in the small bit of difference I felt with Rachel, I forgot that Annabeth had been the one making me feel like I served a purpose and that maybe I could be the hero everyone expected me to be for years. She was the one that reason I felt every other good emotion. I almost ruined the best thing in my life because my judgement got clouded. I fixated on one thing that came from someone else and almost forgot about the hundreds and thousands of things that came from someone else because I was so familiar and comfortable with it. Maybe that's what she's feeling right now.

However. 

Rachel and I aren't compatible the way Annabeth and Wyatt are. They're so easy together. Maybe this isn't the same as me and Rachel. Maybe, and for the first time, it's hitting me, she just  doesn't love me as much as I love her. Maybe she isn't as committed to the idea of forever with as I am with her. Is that okay? We're still so young. Maybe that is allowed. I don't even know what to think. 

What I do know is that, either way, the thing that's been nagging me forever is that I was willing to die for her. I've heard people say that, but I actually tried to. Sometimes, when things get hard, I'm back to that pit, falling, holding her tight to my chest. I promised I would never let go because I knew that she was the one I was always going to be with and if I didn't have her, I didn't have anything. She never asked me to do that for her and she never would, but to me, letting her go alone wasn't even an option. If we break up, how am I ever going to feel that way about someone else?

I love her. That's all I know. Maybe me loving her just means putting her first for the rest of our lives. If that means letting someone else have her, then that's what I'll have to do. I'll be honest with her and transparent with what I'm trying to say. I'll communicate my true feelings. I'll give her a choice, because she deserves to be the happiest she can be. If it's not with me, then maybe it's no one's fault and we just have to face a new reality. It hurts to even think about, but maybe it's true.

The water runs through my hair. I let my skin absorb it. I'm thankful that it can drown out the sound of me crying. This might be the worst I've ever felt. Either way, I know I need to go home and see her because we need to figure things out. I'm dreading the end, but maybe we can push through it. Gods, I can only hope. 

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:)

Oh yeah, thanks for 3k reads! 

Thank the gods for everything in your life that brings you happiness.

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