Stay with me? [Finnick Odair]

85

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Chapter eighty five
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After telling Finnick what happened in the Capitol, what they did to me, he was more furious than I had ever seen him. It's strange. I had never really seen him so angry. I've seen him upset before, but never so furious he had to restrain himself. He was clenching his fists like he was minutes from putting his fist through a tree, his jaw was clenched, and his skin was turning red. I think the more he thought about it, the angrier he got at the Capitol. I had to take him back to our compartment and calm him down. I stayed with him the entire day, knowing that if I left he would most likely go insane with the way he was thinking.

I also think I just gave him an even more perfect reason to go with me and Katniss on our suicide mission.

Nice going, Clem.

The next day, I focus pretty much everything I have on training. No matter what, I can't let myself go unprepared especially since Finnick now has a reason to risk his life just to kill Snow. I've been doing good so far in training, but good isn't enough anymore. I have to be incredible. I have to be a real soldier. I can't be the weak girl I was anymore, I can't let people break me down so easily, and Finnick is reason enough for that. Soldier York easily notices how much I've changed, now that I'm determined to keep Finnick alive I don't care how much it aches, she's clearly impressed with me.

A handful of us are moved into an additional class after a while, which makes me hopeful for my chances to go to the war, and the soldiers call it the Block — but one glance at the course tells me that it's nothing like I thought it would be. Deep in Thirteen, they've made an artificial Capitol city street. We're broken up into squads of eight, Katniss and I are separated to different groups so the instructor can see how well we work alone, and we attempt at carrying out missions. We have to make it through the street, get to the rendezvous point on the other side, and it's rigged so that everything that could possibly go wrong for you does.

A false step triggers a land mine, a sniper appears on a rooftop, your weapon jams, a crying child leads you into an ambush, your squadron leader — who is literally just a voice on the programme — gets hit by a mortar and you have to figure out what to do without any orders. If you do something wrong and you get 'killed', you have to pretend to fall over dead.

It's all so real.

I have to remind myself that it's all a show, that there aren't actually Peacekeepers firing at me, that it's not a real situation where I could die at any moment, it's just a simulation. There are moments when I can't pull myself back to reality quick enough and I'm 'killed' by one of the Peacekeepers. I want to prove I'm okay to fight. I want to go into battle with Katniss by my side, but whenever I look at that simulated street I start to panic. My throat closes up, I start to sweat nervously, and my hands start shaking. Somehow, my mind convinces me that Snow is right around the corner and I'm heading straight into a trap.

That I'm going to be captured again, tortured for the secrets that I know.

I know I'm not allowed to falter. These days, one wrong move leaves you dead on the sidewalk. So, despite how nervous I start to feel, I force my feet to move and I go in a sort of trance when we make our way through the Block. I have no idea how many times we go through because I sort of black out every time, let the soldier side of my brain take control, and I only realise we're done when people start telling me that I did well. The others in my squad are very supportive, they know what I've gone through, and they know to take it slow with me. They know I'll get it eventually.

Every time I step out of that city block and I'm allowed to breathe again, I break down. My memories take over. One guy in my squad that I've been put with often takes me aside, gives me a drink of water and helps me calm down. He's been patient with me since the beginning. Since before we got put together. His name is Parker. He was from District Twelve and has been training to be a soldier ever since he heard that Katniss had agreed to be the Mockingjay. He's a really sweet guy, he says he knows what it's like to feel panicked, like he's trapped and about to die, and that helps me a lot; makes me feel like I'm not so crazy after all.

He says he's been wanting to talk to me since I came to Thirteen, but we've both just been so busy and he never got the chance to approach me. To make up for lost time, I've decided to stick by him throughout all of this and we've actually become really close in the past few weeks. It's like I have a new friend.

That's been hard to come by since I came to Thirteen. Back in Four, I was able to make friends easily. But here, people are a lot more cautious about other people they don't know. They keep to themselves a lot, keep to their own friend groups, and now that someone is actually making the effort to be my friend it feels good.

"Just take it slow, Clem," he says to me as he hands me a water bottle, I take a sip as he places his hand on my shoulder and offers a reassuring smile. "You'll get it eventually, you just have to remind yourself that there's people who will do anything to keep you alive."

I smile at him. He's right, I know he's right. There's no way Finnick will go with me to the Capitol and just watch me be captured by the Peacekeepers. He's not going to let me go that easily, he'll die before he lets that happen.

Just a few days before the first troops are to move out, York tells me, Katniss and Johanna that we've been recommended for the exam and that we're to report immediately. I'm hopeful for our chances at fighting in the war, but as soon as I hear what the exam includes I begin to worry. There are four parts: an obstacle course that assesses your physical condition, a written tactics exam, a test of weapons proficiency, and a simulated combat situation in the Block. It's the last one I'm particularly worried about.

What if I panic and I fail?

I know I shouldn't think that way, I should be confident in my abilities, proud that I've managed to make it this far, but I can't help thinking about how bad I was in the trials and that I'm going to be just as bad in the exam and Coin won't let me go into battle. Though, there's not much time to be nervous as it feels like as soon as we're told the information that we're taking the exam, we're actually taking the exam. We have no time to prepare.

Luckily, I don't do terribly on the first three parts of the exam, but there's a backlog at the Block and they have to work it out before anybody goes in. I go straight to Parker to exchange notes, though it's mainly so I can ramble to him about how nervous I am.

Of course, the others are doing the exact same so I don't feel any guilt in getting some last minute advice.

"I heard it's designed to target your weaknesses, you know," he says to me, keeping his voice down, his eyes held this sort of fear in them that I had never really seen before. He's always been the one to calm me down in these few weeks I've known him, he's been the confident one this whole time, and now to see that he's scared doesn't help the uneasy feeling that I have.

"I'm sure it'll be fine," I sigh, my foot tapping nervously as we wait for our names to be called. Parker goes in before me, I give him a smile of reassurance and he gives me a curt nod; heading in with fear written all over his face.

When it's my turn, to say I'm nervous would be a massive understatement.