In His Mind

5.

RASHAAD

I sat on the patio with my dogs and watching my last game. I didn't even notice my dad was here until he pushed me. I chuckled before standing to hug him. We sat down and started watching my game together.

"Joy here?"

"Oh no she left with Gia as soon as we got in the house" he laughed

"So you guys like her?"

"She's not for us to like" he shrugged "But she seems like a fine young woman"

"She's amazing  dad" I smirked "even with our ups and downs, she's had my back. It's like we grew together. I think we're both a lot more may mature since high school"

He nodded looking out into the backyard. There was a awkward pause before he sighed. I knew my dad and knew he wanted to talk. I paused the game before looking at him.

"What's wrong pops"

"I don't know if you ready to have this conversation" he shook his head "I can't pretend like this isn't awkward for me but I think it has to be said"

I instantly tensed up knowing the topic.

"Rashaad—"

"There's nothing to talk about" I cut him off "Let's just leave that in the past and move forward"

"I can't do that son. Do you know what you're missing?"

"I'm not missing anything! You don't even know what you're talking about!"

"Unfortunately I do because I'm a grown ass man that can sit down and talk things out with people I care about"

"There isn't anybody I care about that I needed talk to except you"

"Son" he sighed "You can feel however you want about Mic—"

"Dad. Stop."

"This isn't about her! This is about a child! A child growing up without a father! Your mother and I may have had our differences, but I never left you! I was always there! Spending money on flights I couldn't afford just so I wouldn't miss anything!" He was visibly emotional "I sure didn't raise you to be this!"

"I'm done talking about this. If this is what you want to do with our relationship, then you can leave. I'm not going back down this road again"

He shook his head "Its sad how well— you know what?  Fine. I did what I could. If this is what you choose to do. I won't agree but I'll accept it. Just know... regret hurts a lot worst with time"

"I have no regrets in life Pops" I grabbed the remote and sighed "I don't want you to feel some type of way about this an—"

"Son I'll always have my personal feelings... but how I feel about it isn't enough to be okay with ruining our relationship. I want to be in your life Rashaad. You're my son, my baby boy"

I nodded as I thought about my next question. I piece of me wanted to leave it alone but now my mind had to know.

"I guess this means you still talk to her"

"I do"

"Did she—"

"No" he shrugged "She's been begging me not to bring it up. She doesn't want our relationship in a bad space. She blames herself for that"

I scoffed "She should"

"Us not talking was our decision. I forgot that you're an adult and can do as you please without my approval... don't blame her for that. If anything she and Joy have been pushing me to see your side. I'm just stubborn... like my father... and you" he laughed

It felt weird hearing about Michiko. I decided to leave it alone. I didn't want to know about her or her kid. I wanted to focus on my own life. I zoned out into my thoughts until my dad called me.

"My bad" I chuckled

He nodded "If you ever wanna know about her... just ask"

"I'm good on Michiko dad"

He smirked shaking his head "I wasn't talking about her"

He got up and headed inside going to the kitchen. I could see him talking to Dorinda before sitting down at the bar. I sat back thinking about what he just said.

"A girl... wow" I sighed

I closed my eyes and thought about my last conversation with Michiko. It had literally been almost four years.

••••••••
I woke up hearing my phone vibrate on my nightstand. I rubbed my eyes as I picked it up seeing a unknown number. I looked at the clock to see it was two in the morning. I shook my head and silences the vibration before putting it back down. Just as I was turning over to go back to sleep, the number was calling again.

"Answer that shit bro" my roommate Vince said turning over

"Fuck"

I answer the phone irritated as hell

212-314-0248:

"Hello" my voice came out groggy

"Shaad" I heard her voice for the first time in months "Umm it's Michi"

"What you calling me for at two in the morning Michiko?"

"Sorry... it's actually three he--"

"That's irrelevant. What do you want?"

She sighed before sniffling "I was calling to let you know... I had the babey last night"

My heart stopped for a moment. I paused taking in what she said before sitting up.

"Shouldn't you be calling Devonte?"

"De-- For what?"

"He already told me yall fucked around Michi!" I felt myself getting pissed "You tryna pin a baby on me when you was fucking the homie behind my back! I know the baby his! Stop fucking playing with me"

"So that's why I hear you been denying my babey? Because yo bitch ass friends lying on me? Don't play me like that yo! I never cheated on you! I knew I shouldn't have even called you!"

"You right! Call that babey daddy and stop hitting my line!"

"I HATE YOU RASHAAD!" she yelled before a baby started crying in the background only for it to go quit after "If this is what you want, then fine! You never wanted kids, right?! Bet! You don't gotta be in my babey life! But don't EVER deny my child!" I could hear her crying thro"I won't call you no fucking mo! Just remember his conversation when it all come crashing down! Have a nice life..."

:END CALL

I hung up the phone before turning over to go back to sleep. I tossed and turn as her words replayed in my mind. I sat up, opening my nightstand that had my yearbook in it. I opened it to the page with Michiko's pictures. I grabbed the ultrasound and looked at me. Things with that situation just weren't adding up. A piece of me still believed Michi never lied to me.... but a bigger piece knew you can't put anything pass anyone. I put the picture back before closing the book and going to sleep. There was nothing more for me to worry about or do.

••••••••••

I shook my head before turning off the tv and heading inside. Dorinda was fixing us lunch so I sat beside my dad. He started back talking about life and the wedding as if our outside conversation never happen. As much as I wanted it to be like this, I also couldn't help but wonder about her...