885 Days [A Vikklan/Sidemen/Pack Story]

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2022.

There were times I didn't know if I was going to make it through the day. There were times I wanted to give up, give into dark thoughts, let them consume me. There were days I opened my eyes and wanted to go right back to sleep and never wake up. There were times I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't see or hear or smell anything but him. There were times I was overwhelmed, scared, lost, like I was going to give up, but there were also times of hope.

Vikk stood beside me through everything no matter what happened. When I cried or screamed or argued. When I couldn't eat or couldn't sleep. He held me when I woke up with night terrors, he helped me film update videos, he got me through physical and physiotherapy. I knew that if he hadn't been there I would have long given up on any hope of recovery but it was because of his love that I got up each morning.

"Hey love." Rob held out his arms for me as I fell into them, Vikk smiling up at me from where he lay on the floor. Each of the boys had nicknames for me now, their own little signature they called me, and Rob's was love. Mitch and Jerome collectively called me lil' Lachy or lamb, I didn't quite understand the second one, Preston called me boo, or babe sometimes, and Vikk called me every pet name under the sun. "Tired?"

I nodded. It was getting late, there was no light out in the sky, and I was ready for bed. My body was exhausted, my mind was running slow, and I wanted to sleep. Later Vikk crawled into my arms and I sighed happily, squashed between him and Rob, Preston lying beside us, Mitch and Jerome on the armchair together. It was once again peaceful, quiet, an environment I much appreciated.

This was the sort of thing that happened every evening. After winding down from recording and editing all day, sometimes streaming, we all curled up in the living room and either watched a movie or just basked in the presence of the others before we went to bed.

Reflecting on everything, now 5 years since I finally returned home, I could truly say I felt happy. I was 27 with a house that Vikk and I owned together- with the other Pack members, obviously- a stable YouTube career, a future to look forward to and a beautiful fiancé. Vikk had proposed the year earlier, but we were waiting a little longer before we actually had the wedding. I supposed it was because Mitch and Jerome's wedding was coming up in only a few months, and we wanted to separate them by at least 6 months.

It was only after almost three years that I finally ventured back onto YouTube, slowly at first, but then it became a weekly, then every other day, then daily as I got into it. It was gaming mostly with the Sidemen and the Pack, but I ventured out on my own to create my own audience after a while. I didn't want to be known as the guys who had been kidnapped and held for two years- I wanted to be known as that YouTuber who did games from a specific genre. It gave me a new confidence in myself.

Later that night, as Vikk and I climbed into bed and he held out his arms for me to crawl into, I whispered to him.

"Do you think it's okay now?"

"Do I think what's okay now? You gotta be more specific babe." He replied.

"Don't know, everything. I feel like it's okay but I don't know, what if everything stops getting better, what if I go back-"

"Hey, hey, no. No what ifs. It's okay. There might be some bad times, but it's always going to be better. Nothing will ever go back to the way it was- he's gone Lachy, he can't hurt you anymore."

I sighed deeply, because it was true. He was dead now, having hung himself in his cell three years into his life sentence. He couldn't hurt me, but he could still haunt me. Vikk knew that his well but his words were a genuine comfort- it would never be as bad as those two and a bit years, locked in a basement, sexually assaulted and beaten every day. It would never be that bad again.

Now I was in my own house, in my own bedroom, safe with my fiancés arms around me. Mitch and Jerome were in the room next door, Preston and Rob one further down. A lot had come from it, I supposed, because all of us had found our life partner. Mitch and Jerome would be married in a few month, Vikk and I in a year, and we were still waiting for Rob to propose to Preston, or the other way around.

"Think about it Lachy." He whispered. "You've got a wonderful life. I know he still haunts you, I know he's still on your mind, but it's never going to be bad again. I'll be with you through that days where things aren't okay, I'll hold you, I'll be there. I promise. I'll love you with everything I have. You know that, don't you?"

"Of course I know that." I sniffled, managing to smile. "You say it every day."

"Then you know I wouldn't lie to you."

"No. You wouldn't lie to me."

I didn't understand why I still needed so much reassurance. It was simple logic, but Vikk still needed to tell me that it was going to be okay every day, every hour, every time I broke down and screamed and cried that I didn't know if I wanted to live anymore, I didn't know if I could do it any longer. He repeated it again and again- he couldn't hurt me, he was there for me and he would be there for me forever.

Vikk had once told me what the doctor had said to them before they saw me for the first time. It had come out suddenly, with no context, but I understood why he told me. He had told me that I would never be okay again, I would never be alright, I would become a different person in order to disconnect myself from the past. Honestly, some of that was true. I felt I had become a new person, but it hadn't disconnected me from what had happened to me.

I still disassociated at time. I still fell back into that safe space, I still sometimes didn't eat, sometimes I couldn't get out of bed. But now, five years since I had come home, I could say that I was okay. I was alright. I didn't feel that way all the time, definitely not, but that doctor had been somewhat wrong. Five years down the track, I was okay. Not good, not great, but okay. I lived through each day with some happiness, I loved my job and my fiancé, I loved my friends and my house and my day to day life. I couldn't ask for anymore.

"I love you Lachlan." Vikk breathed, kissing my cheek. "I love you more than I every have anything, in my entire life. I love you, I love you, I love you. I can't say it enough."

"I love you too Vikk." I murmured, closing my eyes.

"Everything will be okay." He said. "It will. I promise."