Reasonable Doubt ✔ | Open Novella Contest 2020 | Complete

Fifteen - Alex

The fuck did I just say?

Colt seems as shocked as I am. Unlike me, he composes himself while I remain gaping like an idiot.

"Because even if you feel the same, I can't have you." The sound so visceral it makes my chest hurt and air freeze in my lungs. Tapping the book I have open, he growls, "I'm tainted."

He stays silent for a while. It's a clear out, an explicit warning. One I know he's desperate I'll heed.

Except I want to steal his pain like he stole mine.

I want to shade in the lines of black and white he's put around himself, make a picture of grays and blues. I want to know how he got those scars. Just existing in the same space is no longer enough.

I want – no, need – him.

"I did research, same as you," I provide when I can't stand the silence any longer. "The meds are pretty impressive nowadays. So long as your viral load – "

"I don't need you to educate me on it," he growls through clenched teeth. Glancing around to ensure our volume hasn't disrupted anyone, he continues in a low breath. "I've had it for six years."

"Colt – "

"I almost made it, too." A flick of a page, a deepening of his voice. "Staying away from you, telling myself it was what was best for both of us. Then you look at me with those goddamn green eyes. Like I matter, like you care, like you can want me just as badly as I want you."

I'm too stunned by the confession to speak. I hadn't imagined it.

He clenches his fists, posturing. "Tell me to kick dirt." Except it's not me he's getting ready to fight. It's everything else. The stigma of the disease, homosexuality. The unrequited desire.

Swallowing hard, I lean into his sphere. He tracks my movements, eyes full of hunger and fear and something softer around the edges. When he doesn't immediately push me away, I grow brave.

I run my thumb over the coarse stubble, allow my gaze to explore his face. "No."

The answer is almost a sob. "Why?"

"Because," I slide my fingers over the shell of his ear, alight my fingers on his jaw. "I do want you."

I said it. It's out in the open, released from the shackles of self-doubt and repression.

I don't care that this is prison, that every hour of our days is controlled and monitored. None of that is important. There's only Colt.

It took this catalyst. Learning fully how to his place changed him. Changed us. There are no more secrets, no more walls. Even inside of Lebanon Correctional.

Right now, in our small cubby amid shelves of books, we're alone. His face is half in shadow from the small lamp at our table, all softness and tender adoration. I've never seen something more perfect.

Colt leans forward, slamming me with his crisp, smoky scent. Tilting his head, his lips linger over mine. Not touching. Just taunting me with the gossamer brush of his breath, waiting for me to pull away.

I don't.

I close the last of the distance and kiss him. The lightest, softest, gentlest kiss in the world.

Just having him close fried my nerve endings. Now, the feel of his mouth, the jagged intake of breath, makes my face tingle. Heat scorches down my neck and into my groin. This simple trace of skin feels absolutely divine.

When my tongue skims along his lower lip, he tenses. When I press for entrance, he meets me on a groan. All wonder and wet warmth. He tastes incredible, like mint and tobacco.