I am here today to say thank you for reading my book. In less than 48 hours of me fully publishing it. This book went from 173k to 180k. I am shocked. I didn't think that would ever happen. Not gonna lie this book was originally at 181k. I deleted about three different chapters or meaningless things that were not needed.
The reason why I really am here is to talk about something very emotional and was hard to tell other people. A lot of you know me as Nolland the fanboy of kpop and many other people. Well, yes I am a fanboy but I was never a boy at the beginning of my life.
December 29, 2001, I was born. A "beautiful" little girl with a full head of black hair. And, there really was a lot of hair. lol. Growing up I did like "girly things".
But when 5th grade happened there was a change. AKA FUCKING PUBERTY. I hated it. I started getting bags of flesh on my chest. And well, down there. And fucking periods. I HATED THAT. I started slowly growing towards more masculine but yet a bit of feminity in clothing. I started to not like girly things. And today I don't really care for it. UNLESS ITS JAPANESE CHERRY BLOSSOM LOTION. That shit is AMAZING.
Back in 7th grade, I found out about LGBTQ+. I started reading about the past and present about everything. I have to admit it was reading what people had to go through back then. I started slowly not caring for liking one gender. Instead, I found myself attracted to both girls and guys. At times I wanted to cut off my bags of flesh. I missed my flat chest so much to the point where I was having panic attacks. Throughout this whole ordeal I never told anyone. No one at all. Not my cousin who I was very, very close too, neither my terrible mother and father. Not even my close friends who were all non-binary, gay, lesbian and asexual.
I started wanting to cut my hair short and seeing how things went. When my mother brought me to stores and she went with my brother to the Lil kid's section. I would always sneak across the store from teens to men section. I liked the style and the way the guys looked in the pictures or mannequins. They looked hot. I wanted to look like that. But, I thought it was wrong. I thought "god" gave you the body you were meant to have and stay like that forever. My grandmother always told me that. But, I never believed in this god. (I'm sorry to the people who do and I am in no shape or form judging you. You can be whatever religion and believe in whatever.) In secret, I started to bind my chest. When the first time I found a way to do it safely and. Well. I cried. I looked happy and so much better.
When I started getting bullied for my weight and acne. Things went downhill. I started hurting myself. I started to burn, scratch, peel, and cut my skin to the point where I was satisfied I could still feel pain. But more physical pain than mental. I was incredibly hurt. The friends that I thought were my best friends. Complete assholes. To this day i still don't know why they hurt me. Or why i hung out with them. They started calling me names that I never even heard of before. And when I found out what they meant. I was beyond hurt. Every day I started to crave to hurt myself.
I finally hit an all-time low. I finally caved in and told my cousin what I have been doing. But, not the whole binding or feeling different. Only the self-harm part. She then told my mother and father. About 1 year after that. My father left for good. My mother and father were never married. Or even together in that matter. When I was at least 4 and my brother was probably 3 months old. He left and cheated on my mom.
My mom blamed my depression and cutting towards my father leaving and continuously hurting me by leaving. But, that was never true. She didn't know about the bullying. She didn't know that the other cause was simply her. She hurt me mentally. When I was younger I was physically beaten by her. After I told someone in elementary school she stopped. She hasn't layed a hand on me since.
I did go for therapy for about 4 years. I did graduate it. I was finally somewhat okay. I didn't have daily thoughts or the feeling to hurt myself. Today I am way better mentally.
My sophomore year of high school I finally came out as Transgender but I started rethinking about that for the next 1.5 years. It's now close to the ending of my senior year. My friend bought me a binder and now I am VERY HAPPY!
Hello readers, my name is N. and I am genderfluid.
I'm still kinda questioning on what I like. Honestly I really don't care about gender. But I lean towards guys a little bit more. Although girls are beautiful yet sassy. Like me 💁🏻♀️
Here is the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If there is any questions my socials are down below:
Snapchat: cheshirethekat (Just a reminder I am NOT out to my family so I still have a fem body AND LONG HAIR) Plz don't come at me for these things. It's hard living with a racist and homophobic family.
I love you lovelies. 💗💗💗
Here's a lovely picture of me 💗
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Please understand I never wanted to hurt anyone about the female version of me. I just wanted people to see me for the real me. The male version of me that I am very comfortable with.
Please respect me and others. If you are going through the same thing please you can talk to me.
Thank you for reading this if you did.
And it's totally okay if you don't want to support me anymore. Just please don't report my book or anything. You can just block me instead. Thank you.
Thank you and I love you, you beautiful h00mans. 🦋 💗
also i no longer ship members together... just getting that out rn..
