Soul Searcher

1- The Deal

Studying the page in front of me, I was sure that I was going to fail the final. I didn't move when the professor told us we could start the final. The blank page started up at me with a finality that caused my heart to skip a beat. This was it, the last obstacle between me and my degree. After this or rather depending on this blank piece of paper I would either go off and start my life, or I would remain stuck here in this college doomed to repeat the course. I took a deep breath and picked up the old wooden #2 pencil and mentally shook myself.

Alright, this is it. Get it together. You know this stuff, you've only been studying it for the past 4 years of your life. And history doesn't change

"Pencils down, please flip the first section of the test over while it's collected and the second section is handed out." As the professors' assistant slowly circled through the large room picking up papers and sitting down another in its place. I took a second to peek out the window the snow had melted a couple of days ago. Everything was muddy and looked dingy. I felt a deep cold settle in my bones for a moment. Thinking about having to stay here for another year to repeat this course. No, positive thoughts. I was going to pass, I was good at this. My best friend Ryan always told me so, that I would be the top of our class. He never understood why I was worried about tests. I never had past failures, so why would this one be any different.

I had to remind him several times, that it wasn't the test that was different. It was after the test that matters. My internship in Europe. They had some of the oldest richest histories; and to work alongside some of the best curators in the world would be an honor. I had been given the invitation on the condition that I was able to graduate a full year and a half ahead of schedule to be able to fit into the program's guidelines. So it was doubling up on courses and dropping most of my social life. Not going home on holidays or taking a spring break.

I had pushed myself to get this, I wanted this with my whole being and this small 8'' by 11'' piece of paper had the power to make my yearning and dreaming. All of my hard work and sacrifice for nothing. But the idea of wanting something that much didn't seem to be understandable to him. It seemed like he was just moving through his life destined for less than great things. But I was going to stay out of this place when I left. I didn't have much family left to speak of. And I didn't have fond memories of the town. I just wanted to leave and this test was going to make that happen.

"Pencils down." An alarm sounded signaling the end of the testing period and I looked down at my neat handwriting. It was no different than any other test if you didn't hinge the rest of your life on the markings made by the old #2 pencil. I checked for what seemed like the 100th time to make sure my name was writing across the top of the paper. For some reason, the illogical fear of having my paper unmarked was fixed in my mind. The National History Museum of London, England was my first stop, I collected my things and pulled my book bag over my shoulder. I stood from my seat and funneled out of the room with the rest of classmates. Some of them complaining about never seeing the information that was asked of them, others confident they were going to at least pass. Even if it was by the skin of their teeth. I tucked my headphones and turned my music up to drown out the chatter in the hallways and stairwell. I felt the urge to check my grade knowing that it was not going to be there yet, but I knew that I wanted it to be there. The anxiety of not knowing would kill me for the next couple of days. At least the grades would be up before the weekend. An arm came across my shoulder and I looked to my immediate left. Ryan had the lazy smile on his face, his blonde hair hung over one of his ocean blue eyes. His sun-kissed skin and athletic build made it easy for him to sweet talk women and always get his way. Although I never had a hard time telling him no, I never struggled to repress any kind of romantic feelings because there was never any. I could never see myself with someone like Ryan he was too outgoing; his ego was too inflated by the women who followed him around hanging on his every word. I would never be able to give him the attention he currently craved in his life, no one woman could. Hence the line of women currently staring daggers at me as we passed down the hallway.