KISS: Casablanca High School

Ch 101: I...Can't (Bruce)

It was 3 AM and I took another lap around my room, heart pounding against my ribs. I needed to sleep, I knew that I needed to, but I couldn't, I couldn't, my mind wouldn't stop spinning long enough for me to even try. I could feel my chest tightening and took another hit, stopping an attack before it happened for the ninth time. That wasn't good either, but I didn't know how to stop.

I needed Eric, I needed to talk to him, I couldn't handle it on my own. I was getting worse, slipping further and further back down into an eating disorder and I wasn't any better and stopping it on my own now than I was then, and I needed him again to help me. But how was I supposed to ask him for help when I had almost gotten him killed?

I needed help but I couldn't ask him, as much as I needed him I couldn't ask him. But I couldn't stop myself either, I was slipping right back to where I had been and I didn't want to be there but I didn't know how to stop either. I tugged at my shirt, hating how it looked on me, hating how I looked in general, and pulled on a sweatshirt, swallowing the lump in my throat.

The minutes kept ticking by and I kept pacing in circles, wishing I could sleep. I didn't want to have another all-nighter, but it looked like that was what was going to happen.

Pete grabbed my arm as I walked into the classroom, pulling me to the side. "Bruce, we need to talk at lunch, alright?" he murmured. I bit back a sigh but nodded, tugging my arm free and sinking into my desk. Seeing his empty desk next to Peter's was like a punch in the gut, just a constant reminder of what I had done to him and what I had taken from him.

Peter had evidently taken cocaine at some point between first period and lunch, because he had forgotten all about needing to talk to me during lunch. Gene, on the other hand, sat next to me, pulling out his lunch and giving me a look. "You didn't sleep last night, did you?" he asked quietly.

"Christie signed your cast, that's cute. Dotted her i's with hearts and everything," I mumbled, desperate to talk about anything else. "Bruce. Don't change the subject on me. You didn't sleep, did you?" I rose to my feet, looking around wildly for Shandi. "I was gonna go out to lunch with Shandi, I'm gonna go find her," I said, starting to panic. He grabbed my arm and sat me back down gently, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"You've looked dead on your feet for this entire week. You haven't been sleeping, you've barely been eating, and I know that you've struggled with that in the past, I don't want you falling back into that again. You need to go and talk to him, please. At the very least, just talk to him so he can stop worrying about you! It's not good for him to be stressing out about how you're doing and why you're not talking to him. He needs to be able to rest. Please, man, please talk to him."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head, blinking back tears. "I can't. I'm busy after school," I said weakly. "Can you at least call him or text him or anything?" Gene pleaded. I forced a smile, staring at the ground. "Uh...yeah, I'll do it after school."

Gene sighed, rising to his feet and patting me on the shoulder. "Just please look after yourself man, alright?" he said softly. I nodded, feeling my stomach twisting into knots, knowing full well I wasn't able to call Eric.

French class hurt. I had to sit next to his empty desk and work on the worksheet we had been doing together last week, except now I had to do it alone because I had gotten him put in the hospital. I was filling it out silently when Carrie walked over and sat in his vacant desk, placing a hand on my arm. "You doing okay?" she murmured.

I just nodded, staring at the list of verbs. "Yeah. I'm fine," I mumbled. "Me and Shandi were going to go visit Eric after school, you should come with us! He wants to see you, you know," she said, patting me on the arm and rising to her feet. I only nodded again.

I walked to the pool with Shandi once school ended, still in a sucky mood. She slipped her hand into mine, kissing me gently on the cheek. "Hey, sunshine, me and Carrie are going to see Eric after practice, you should come with us," she murmured. My palms grew cold and I shook my head, trying to force a smile. "I can't, I have practice," I mumbled. "Bruce. We have practice together. We're both on the swim team. You need to talk to him, this isn't good for you!" she cried.

I pulled my hand away, feeling my stomach flip as her face fell. "I-I meant that I have something to do after practice, sorry." "Bruce--" she began, taking a step forward, but I pushed her away. "I can't go, I'm sorry!" I choked, practically running into the locker room, door swinging shut behind me.

Chest heaving, I sank to the floor, leaning against the lockers and closing my eyes. "Uhh...you good, curly?" My eyes flew open and I stared at Ace and Peter, who were sitting on one of the benches. Or rather Ace was sitting on the bench and Peter was sitting on his lap.

Face burning, I rose to my feet and pulled open my locker. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just tired," I mumbled. They looked at each other and Peter opened his mouth to say something when I slammed my locker shut. "I'm fine. I don't want to talk, I'm fine," I said, a lot more aggressively than I meant to.

He shrugged, going back to making out with Ace, and I kept staring at my locker door. Bruce, oh Bruce, what the hell are you doing with your life?