KISS: Casablanca High School

Ch 121: You'll Be Okay (Paul)

Peter was a mess, and since neither Gene nor Ace wanted to talk to him, it was up to me. Biting back a sigh, I sat next to him at the table, nudging him gently. "Hey, you okay?" I asked. He jerked his head up from his arms, rubbing his eyes before shaking his head.

"I can't sleep and I don't want to because nightmares but at the same time I've never been more tired in my life and I can't focus on anything and I can't think and I just feel like shit, all of me just hurts, I'm so hungry and I want to die and all I want is one line, just one damn line of cocaine, I've never wanted it more in my life, but I can't have it, it's not good for me and my grandparents will kill me if I get caught high and I need to get out of that before I end up like my dad," he said in a rush, before dropping his head back to the table.

I patted him on the back, trying to reassure him. "It'll be okay man, you'll get through it!" I said. Shaking his head, Peter rose to his feet, starting to pace restlessly around the bench. "I can't...I can't focus on anything! I sit in class and I try to focus on the subject but I can't, I just can't, I can't get my brain to work and I feel so stupid, I am stupid, I'm such a dumbass and I did this to myself and I hate it and I hate myself and I should just give up," he said, eyes wild.

I grabbed his wrist, sitting him back down on the bench. "Peter, listen to me. You're going through withdrawls. I mean hell, you've been showing up to school high every day for awhile. You're used to it, your body's used to it, and stopping is hard. But you're doing a really good job and we're all proud of you and it'll be over soon! You're what, six days in?" "Five," he said miserably, wiping his nose out of habit. "Then you've got less than a week and you're done! I looked it up, it's only about 7-10 days for withdrawls, you're pretty much halfway there!"

Peter nodded, burying his face in his hands. "I hate this, I hate this so much, I want to die, I want to kill myself just to get it to stop. It's all I can think about. I just go home and go to my room and lie on my bed and try not to think about how much I want cocaine. But it's all I can think about because I can't get myself to focus on anything else no matter how hard I try!" he wailed.

I patted him on the back, keeping my arm around his shoulders, trying not to show how freaked out I was. "It'll be okay. You're doing really well, I'm really proud of you. It'll be over in a few days, don't worry." He nodded, dropping his head to the table. "I want to die, Paul, I want to die so badly. I hate this, I hate myself, I just want some fucking cocaine, I hate this feeling. It's like the worst hunger I've ever felt times a million. And then I'm always starving too, and I keep eating to try and take my mind off the drugs but it doesn't work, I can't live like this, I don't want to, I wanna die."

"Peter, listen to me. Don't resort to that, please don't, it'll all be okay in a few days. If you're really feeling like...like really suicidal, talk to a counselor or something. It'll be okay, you can do this, don't worry! We're here for you if you need anything." Peter shook his head, shrinking deeper into himself. "Not Gene. Not Ace. Not Bruce, he's mad at me because it was my fault Eric got stabbed."

I bit back a sigh and shook my head. "They are here for you, they want you to succeed just as much as I do. They're just a little frustrated and hurt and to be honest they kinda have a right to be. We all want you to get out of the drugs and the dealing, me and Gene and Ace and Eric and Bruce, all of us!"

He nodded, before heaving a deep sigh. "I hate this," he mumbled, lifting his head from the table and staring miserably at the ground. "It'll be okay. Just give it a few more days, you can do this!" I said. Peter gave me a watery smile. "Thanks Paul."  I returned his smile, patting him on the back. "If you want, you can come over to my house for dinner. My parents aren't home, you won't have to explain anything to them, and it might help you take your mind off of it."