Research. Define. Process. Get stuck. Repeat.
That's my cycle of dealing with emotional pain. But it's a cycle that doesn't lead to healthy coping or to working through. I work, but not to move through the pain. The pain only gets recycled.
Depression: noun
1. "Depression (major depressive disorder or clinical depression) is a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. To be diagnosed with depression, the symptoms must be present for at least two weeks."[1]
2. Is my entire life long enough? Of course it is, stupid. Read the definition again.
3. I've had depression long enough for it to be part of my character.
4. What happens when I start managing away a core component of my identity?
Social Anxiety Disorder: noun
1. "People with social anxiety disorder have a general intense fear of, or anxiety toward, social or performance situations. They worry that actions or behaviors associated with their anxiety will be negatively evaluated by others, leading them to feel embarrassed. This worry often causes people with social anxiety to avoid social situations. Social anxiety disorder can manifest in a range of situations, such as within the workplace or the school environment." [2]
2. Is that why I need days of mental preparation before going out? Is that why I need to know who is going to be there?
3. Are there other aspects of my life I've been avoiding because of anxiety?
4. Has it always been there, like depression?
Gaslighting: noun, verb
1. "Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that abusers use to maintain power and control. When a victim is questioning their memories or their mind, they may be more likely to feel dependent on the abuser and stay in the relationship. Gaslighting happens over time and you may not notice it a first." [3]
2. Is that why I get so confused when arguing with him? Is that why I get so angry, because something feels off, but I can't tell what?
3. Donald Trump is elected president of the United States in 2016. Trump lies and continues to lie on television and on Twitter.
Projection: noun
1. "[P]rojection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously employ in order to cope with difficult feelings or emotions. Psychological projection involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than admitting to or dealing with unwanted feelings." [4]
2. New apps, dating apps to be specific, mysteriously download to my phone. My husband and I share my iTunes account. I ask him about it. He doesn't know how that happened.
3. Trump's continued gaslighting results in displaced anger, rational though it is.
4. I start teaching Eminem and Rihanna's song "Love the Way You Lie."
[1] National Institute of Mental Health
[2] Ibid.
[3] Office on Women's Health, the quote has been altered to be gender-neutral.
[4] Everyday Health website. It appears projection has not changed much in its definition since Freud coined the term. However, because of today's psychologists' understandable objection to the sexual predominance of Freudian psychic structure, the definition appears to have only eliminated sexuality as a structuring force for projection. The rest appears to be the same as Freud and his daughter, Anna, defined it.
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Before; After
PoesiaI'm posting this looking for some feedback. Any constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. Writing has always provided me with solace, by helping me to sort through and frame my emotional experience. During one of the more difficult times...
