Passive suicidal ideation: noun
1. The desire for death, wishing to die, wanting someone or something else to commit the act
2. Examples: "I wish someone would run me over with a car"; "I wish I would die in my sleep."
Active suicidal ideation: noun
1. Actively seeking ways to die; already have a plan; personally involved in the process, as opposed to a passive recipient
2. Examples: "I plan to break into my parents' guns safe, steal a gun, drive out into the desert, and shoot myself in the head"; "I purchased these pills to overdose on them and end my suffering"
For the longest time, I kept telling people "I would never want to kill myself. I love myself too much." Which, of course, is a lie. I do not love myself enough. If I were more honest, I'd say "I don't have the fortitude to commit the deed myself. I want someone else to be responsible." I guess I should have been asking myself why people (family and friends) brought up the subject around me in the first place.
Now, I recognize that I typically exhibit what experts call passive suicidal ideation, a desire for Death to gather me up in its arms and take me away. But, every once in a while, when stress starts to overwhelm me, I experience active suicidal ideation.
Sadly, I do have a plan.
Suicidal ideation, despite designating both its definitions as nouns above, are better categorized as verbs in practice, active and continually existing in the present. I cannot say "I did have a plan" because that would not be accurate. I have a plan. And its existence, whether or not I ever go through with it, will forever occupy a space in my brain.
In writing it out, even as a fictional piece, I hope to diminish its power, reduce its weight. And yet, I fear that in writing it out, I may solidify its hold. However writing it out may affect me, placing it within a textual space in some ways helps me to fight the thoughts better.
I may have a plan, but that plan is like a rough draft. It can be edited. It can be changed. I want it to change. And that "want" is enough to hold Death at bay for now.
Suicidal ideation is forever hovering in that space... for now.
How long can "for now" last?
For the rest of my life.
Which I hope ends by nature's hands, rather than my own.
YOU ARE READING
Before; After
PoetryI'm posting this looking for some feedback. Any constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. Writing has always provided me with solace, by helping me to sort through and frame my emotional experience. During one of the more difficult times...
