Before; After

Friends in the Stars

The car's engine shuttered into silence. Displaced gravel shifted and crunched beneath the tires. Even through the car's windshield, Brandon could see the stars glittering brilliantly once the headlights had been extinguished.

He breathed. In and out. This was the moment. He was ready. He was willing. An entire month's worth of emotional preparation had gone into this moment. Years, really. Maybe even his entire life had led him to this moment. Like the entire universe, the cold, uncaring universe had dragged him to this very moment. To the end.

Despite the universe's coldness, it's emptiness, Brandon thought as he exited the car with the gun in his hand, at least he would have one last moment of beauty before becoming just another lonely spirit drifting across the cosmos.

He wasn't sure of what would happen after, so he didn't know if he would experience beauty ever again. Soak it up, he thought. The stars had been his only true friends, and so it was fitting that they'd be here as he drew the curtains closed on his life.

Brandon climbed onto the car's hood and reclined back, reclining against the windshield, the handgun rested in his hands. He'd stolen it; he'd felt bad about that, but desperate times and all that. It wasn't difficult, getting the gun from the safe. His parents use the same pin number for everything.

At that thought, guilt welled up in Brandon. How could he use his parents' gun for this? They'll never be able to forgive themselves? Another sign of selfishness, another reason he's not good enough for anyone. Only thinking of himself.

Everyone will be better off without him. They'll feel sad, definitely. But in the end, they'll move on and live their lives, no longer having to worry about him and what he might do. It'll be done.

Brandon did write a note for his family. Left it as a private post to himself on Facebook. Once his family knows the password to his account, they'll be able to read it and understand. At least as much as they can.

True, he felt love from his family, but love has always been a burden to him, something he could never truly live up to in the end. He didn't understand love, what it felt like, what it cost. But he felt its demanding nature. For others, he imagined, love was a soft caress, a warm hug. For him, love was an oppressive force, forever reminding him of just how inadequate he is. He forgot birthdays and appointments. He didn't follow the social protocols, like sending "Thank you" cards. All those little things that seemed to indicate love never felt natural to him. And isn't that what love was supposed to feel like, natural, un-demanding? In truth, he didn't know. Probably wouldn't know now. Maybe he'll find the answers on the other side when the demands of social life were no longer blinding him.

Stars. Millions of stars sprayed and glittered across the night sky. Brandon's companions in life, at least that's how he felt. As much as people cherish the sun, Brandon preferred the stars. Their silver light was calmer, less overwhelming than the sun. They exerted less pressure, their touch light, delicate against the skin, against the eyes, against the mind. They're the perfect companion for his next journey. Maybe he'll even return to them. They say we all start out there, after all. It's a nice thought returning to the stars.

The car's hood was still warm. The desert night cooled with a light breeze. And Brandon lied between both warm hood and cool breeze, holding his phone, waiting to initiate his plan.

Breathe in, breath out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Funny. Ending it all seems to slow everything down. Every breath savors the nitrogen and oxygen flooding the lungs. The body knows what the mind wants, and it resists as much as it can by overloading the mind with pleasurable sensations: the prickling of skin cooled by the desert breeze, the comforting heat as it soothes his back muscles, the fragrant smell of the desert just before a thunderstorm. But this is the mind we're talking about, the control center of the body. The mind's strength is insurmountable compared to the body, and a mind wishing to die thinks of death as a form of protection. Protection against doubt, grief, pain, failure, vulnerability, and insecurity. At least, that's the mind's logic. Brandon never quite figured out how to argue against his own mind. In those arguments, he never won. Losing may be his way to win.