Unspoken Words

Chapter 1

        I sit still and watch as the warm, red liquid as it trickles down my wrist. I look over at the razor in my right hand and let a single tear fall. Why can't anyone love me? Why am I nothing? Why can't I mean something? Why do people hate me? Why can't anyone love me? 
        I let another tear fall and suddenly they form a waterfall. 
        And I don't even attempt to blink them away anymore.
        I don't have the effort.
        Slut. Whore. Nobody. Cunt. Shit fuck. Dipshit. Loner. Fuckup. GO DIE.
        The words replay in my head as I start to shake harder and harder.
        I wish.
        As much as it kills me to say, no one loves me. And I mean no one. I wish I could get used to it, but how can anyone get used to that??? No one should have to. I shouldn't have to.
        I take the razor blade and set it against my skin again. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, bite down on my lip, and slide it across my skin applying pressure. 
        I bite down harder on my lip and try not to choke on the tears.
        I take another few breaths and finish my masterpiece before switching hands.
        I slice all up and down both arms, embedding the words in my arms over and over again.
        Why me? Why does this have to happen to me?
        A tear falls and lands on the fresh cut and I bite my lip as I feel the burn.
        When I finish with my arms, I go to my stomach and legs.
        Today was especially bad if you can't tell.
        When I finish, I stand up and walk to the sink. I open the medicine cabinet hidden behind the mirror and grab the biggest pill bottle I see.
        It happens to just be Ibuprofen but I don't care. As long as I take enough, it should do the job.
        I open the bottle and swallow as many at a time as I can.
        I do this several times until I reach my hand back inside the bottle to find it empty. I walk back over to where I was before, leaning against the shower and slide down. I sit down and then move into a different position. I am now lying on my back.
        I wait for the nirvana to kick in and soon enough it does. The throbbing in my arms becomes numbness as my eyes close for what I hope to be the last time.
        Hopefully this is it.
        This is the first and only thing I will ever pray for.
        
        
Dear God,
                I don't know really who you are, and I suppose that's my fault. I'm not really even sure if there is a god out there or not, but if there is, please listen. I have never asked for anything and I pray that you will answer this one wish.
        Let me die. I don't want to live anymore. Please let this work. Please let it kill me because I don't want to wake up to one more day. I'm done with life. Please just let me die. PLEASE.
        Amen.
***
        BEEP BEEP BEEP!

        I feel a pounding headache coming on and lift my arms to massage my temples. A pain shoots through them and I cry out in pain and place them back on the bed where they were. I open my eyes, but looking around, my vision is blurred. I blink a few times to clear my vision, and when it is, I focus on the bandages covering my wrists. I close my eyes as the memories start flooding back. This only adds to the terrible headache and I try to fight the pain.
        Eventually, it goes away, or at least for the most part. I shake my head to clear it and examine the room. Suddenly, I hear a door slam and something fall as my head begins to spin. I try to sit up, but its too much. I stay where I am and focus instead on the middle aged woman standing in the doorway of my room. She has long brown hair completely different from my hair which is red. She has the same blue green eyes as I do, but her skin is much more tan than mine. Her mouth is hanging open as she stands there, frozen in place. 
        This reminds me of a time when I was younger and I decided I wanted to be the one to paint my parents' new room. We had just moved into a new house and there was paint everywhere. Not to mention what I had gotten on me. 
        Her face was exactly the way it had been then, except now, she had tears streaming down her face.
        I've never really been good at empathy or sympathy and usually just end up patting their back awkwardly, but it seems I can't do that here. I can't really say I'm fine either seeing as to how I'm in the middle of a hospital for something I did to myself. I close my eyes suddenly feeling very tired. The headache comes back and I slide under the covers making some sort of cocoon around myself.
        I hear footsteps and feel my bed dip as she sits down next to me.
        "Hi Mom," is all I can muster without breaking down. I have to be strong.
        Crying is for the weak. You're nothing but a little girl who relies on everyone else and doesn't know when to grow up.
        The words play through my mind and I can't help but let out a sob. My mom encircles her arms around me and lies down next to me. She pulls me into her so that my head is on her shoulder. She hasn't held me like this in a long time. To be honest, I feel safer than I've felt in a long time.
        "Why didn't you tell me? You used to tell me everything and then you just stopped. I assumed that maybe there wasn't anything to tell. You could have died! You would have if I hadn't found you... What if I hadn't come upstairs?! What if I had left you alone up there? I almost did!!" By this time she is shaking and the sobs are coming out irregularly to the point where I am finding it difficult to breathe.
        "Do you want to die?" She asks me and my heart shatters as it hits the floor. What am I supposed to say to that? Yes mom, I want to die. I don't feel loved and I am tired of waiting for something good to happen when nothing ever does. 
        "Do you?" she asks again. I know I'm taking too long answering and am pretty sure she already knows the answer, but I tell her anyway. Honesty is the best policy right?
        "Yes." I say in no more than a whisper.
        I feel her shaking increase and I close my eyes, feeling like a monster. I made her feel like this. Not anyone else, me. I made her feel like this.
        No one will ever love you. All you ever do is hurt others, can't you see that? The world would be better off without you and people like you for that matter.        
        I feel every last shred of confidence I had hit the floor.
        I am nothing. No one will ever love me. I would be better off gone. I should just disappear.
        Thanks for nothing, God.
        My eyelids begin to droop and I fall back into a deep sleep before she can say anything else, thankfully.
****
*One week later*

        Eventually, once they realized I wasn't as much of a danger to myself, they let me come home. Haha they make me laugh. What makes them think I won't try again? I probably won't yet, but still. That doesn't mean I'm not dangerous.
        Mom thinks that throwing me back into my school routine will get me back on track. But she can't be more wrong. Part of the reason I am the way I am is because of the people at school. I have no friends, and everyone hates me. Its not like they just ignore me either. No, I wish they did. That would be heaven. No, they make fun of me and torment me and abuse me emotionally and physically. At first it was just the jocks, and my friends would stand up for me. But when the jocks started to target them, it was either get bullied, or join the dark side. They must've had chocolate chip cookies or something, because they jumped at the chance, leaving me in the dust. Since then, they have tormented me too, and now I have no friends.
        I shake my head, clearing my thoughts and check my clock. It says 6:30 meaning I'm up early. That gives me time to shower and not have to rush. I'm not in the rushing mood anyway.
        I crawl out of bed and head to my bathroom, hopping into the shower. When I finish, I hop out, immediately washing my face. When I'm done, I walk to my closet looking for something to wear. I find a cream colored shirt with ruffles and pull it over my head. Its a little big and I notice that I've lost weight. A lot of it. That's not good. 
        I shrug it off and filter through my clothes, finding my light brown leather jacket. Since I have ruffles on, I don't need a scarf, so instead I just grab a pair of medium wash skinny jeans and throw them on. I find my ugs and pull them over my jeans. I walk to my mirror and sigh, satisfied with my outfit. 
        I walk into the bathroom and pull out my makeup. I apply black eyeliner on the bottom of my eyes, not bothering to do the top. I apply two coats of mascara and step back to look at my appearance. I decide its good enough and french braid my hair down the right side, leaving my bangs out.
        I brush my teeth and walk into my room grabbing my bag and the few books I have. I stumble down the stairs on my way out being the klutz I am, but catch my balance right before I hit the bottom. I walk into the kitchen and grab a water bottle and an apple. This consists of my breakfast since I'm not much of a breakfast person, but its better than nothing right?
        I walk out the front door, locking it behind me as I walk to school. I had plenty of time and didn't feel like taking the bus. By now, everyone will know about my suicide attempt and I am not ready to face them. I know its one more thing to use against me and I honestly don't want to hear it.
        I pull out my phone and put my headphones in both ears as I continue walking. By now, the school is in sight and I am dreading each step just grab a pair of medium wash skinny jeans and throw them on. I find my ugs and pull them over my jeans. I walk to my mirror and sigh, satisfied with my outfit. 
        I walk into the bathroom and pull out my makeup. I apply black eyeliner on the bottom of my eyes, not bothering to do the top. I apply two coats of mascara and step back to look at my appearance. I decide its good enough and french braid my hair down the right side, leaving my bangs out.
        I brush my teeth and walk into my room grabbing my bag and the few books I have. I stumble down the stairs on my way out being the klutz I am, but catch my balance right before I hit the bottom. I walk into the kitchen and grab a water bottle and an apple. This consists of my breakfast since I'm not much of a breakfast person, but its better than nothing right?
        I walk out the front door, locking it behind me as I walk to school. I had plenty of time and didn't feel like taking the bus. By now, everyone will know about my suicide attempt and I am not ready to face them. I know its one more thing to use against me and I honestly don't want to hear it.
        I pull out my phone and put my headphones in both ears as I continue walking. By now, the school is in sight and I am dreading each step not ready to walk across it.
        I feel a shove and immediately fall to the ground. I look at the black converse that belong to the person in front of me and knew who it was right away. I didn't need the converse to tell me either. 
        I pull my headphones out, but keep my head lowered. "I was calling you, whore." The words sink in and I do my best not to curl up into a ball right here and now.
        "I-I'm s-sorry. I didn't h-hear y-you." I hate how much I stutter when he's around, but I can't help it. "H-harry p-please don't hurt m-me." I plead but when I look into his eyes for the first time, I see how unforgiving they are. There is no emotion in them and that is probably what scares me the most.
        I start moving backwards, but that seems to only make him angrier. "You think that you can get away from me that easily? Well think again princess because you can't!" He walks up to me and I cringe, closing my eyes and trying to brace myself.
        But how are you supposed to brace yourself for something like that? You can't.
        One after another, he kicks and punches me. Each blow hurts more than the one before until my body finally goes numb. I close my eyes as I feel myself float away. Far from where I am now.