Unspoken Words

Chapter 12

            Falling is the last thing I remember. The decision was so sudden, and unlike most, I didn't regret it. There is a saying: "You don't want to die. You just want to be saved." I guess I'm different, because I didn't want to be saved because I knew that I couldn't be. But that's okay. Not everyone is meant to be saved.
            Whenever  you hurt yourself or are sick and go to the doctor's office, they usually tell you "You'll survive." when the injury isn't too bad or you aren't too sick. But in the seconds before I jumped off, I made a decision. I didn't want to go through life surviving anymore. I wanted to live. But to tell you the truth, I hadn't been living since the day Rosie died.
            When she died, she took part of me with her. Only it wasn't a small part, it was all of me. I put all of me into her. Trying to save her, helping her with her school work when she missed the lessons, staying up with her at obscene hours because she was afraid. Those last few months drained me more than anything else had. I gave everything to her, and she died before she was able to give it back.
            I thought that maybe Harry was a chance to start over. That maybe things would get better and I could find myself again, or start anew. He proved me wrong. He was the one who put me in the hospital. More than once might I add. He almost killed me. When no one else was there, Jace was. He saved me and tried to warn me about Harry but I wouldn't listen.
            But it is time to let go of all of that. To let go of my mom and her drunkenness, my dad and his decision to leave because he couldn't deal with his fucked up daughter, Jace who was so good to me and tried to save me, from Harry who played me and fucked with my feelings, and last but definitely not least, Rosie, who changed my life and made me a better person, who meant more than life to me. These are the people who have influenced my life for better or for worse and it is time to let go and start a new life. Wherever it is I'm going from here.
            A white light confirms my death and I step into it, ready to leave everything else behind. I turn around one more time out of habit more than anything and see Harry on his knees crying. What? I look closer and see where he is. He is on the bridge. He must know that I jumped. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with his thoughts.
I never wanted her to jump.
Why couldn't I have just explained it to her?
Why am I such an ass?
Why did I hurt her for so long?
Why did I blame her for my parents? 
For everything?
It was irrational and I knew it, and now it is too late.
Isn't it?
Fuck she could still be alive.
She has to be.
 
            I watch as he runs for the slope that leads to the river bank. He makes it and dives headfirst into the water. Flashes of more memories come back and I realize that he is the one that saved me the day my car went over the bridge. Jace just did CPR.
            Resurfacing, he swims over to the bank and pulls my lifeless body up and onto the grass next to him. He straddles me and leans down trying to find a pulse. He begins CPR, breathing air into my mouth. He continues this for a few minutes and I start to feel a pull. I turn around to run through the light and find Rosie standing there.
            "Rosie Posie?" I ask slowly, not wanting to believe it if it isn't true. She runs into my arms and I plant my feet, kissing her forehead. "I love you so much baby, please don't make me go back. I don't want to leave you."
            She smiles sadly and chuckles. "You always were the impatient one between the two of us, weren't you? Liv, it isn't time for you yet. I love you and wish you could stay because I miss you more than anything, but you still have so much life to live. What kind of selfish person would I be if I asked you to stay?"
            "But I don't want to go back." I say. "Everything has gone wrong and I keep messing everything up. My life isn't worth living anymore. I'm ready to be with you. I'm ready to let go. I don't have anything left."
            "I think you'll find that you do." I turn around as she points at Harry, still trying to revive me as his body racks with sobs. "You have an amazing guy down there that loves you. If nothing else, you have him. He proved to you that he wouldn't hurt you. He made mistakes in the past, but you were able to trust him before you remembered everything. He has made mistakes. Big ones, but so have you. In fact, you're making one right now. He needs you just as much as you need him. Go back to him. I promise that I will wait for you. I love you so much Olivia. Don't let him get away. He's a keeper."
            I smile at her words and realize that she is right. Not many people are given a choice between life and death. I am given that choice and I choose life. I still want to die, and that may or may not change, but through all of this, I have found a reason to live.
            "I'm going to miss you so much, Rosie." Tears fill her eyes and she nods.
            "I know, and I already miss you." Confusion fills me as I'm unsure what she means.
            "What do you mean?" Something pulls me backwards and I find that I can't hear her when she calls out the answer.
            "I love you." she signs to me and I smile, signing back.
            Suddenly, I feel too heavy and I can't see anything. My throat feels constricted and I can't breathe. I throw myself forward, hitting something hard. I go into a coughing fit and feel strong arms hold me up. When all the water is out of my lungs and I can breathe, I look around at my surroundings.
            "Rosie..." I start but stop. She's gone. I look up into the emerald green eyes that I have fallen in love with and assess him, trying to find the strength to speak. He is soaking wet and is sobbing as he wraps his arms around me, pulling me to his chest.
            "Olivia, I am so sorry. You have to believe me. I didn't mean for you to find out that way. I was going to tell you, but I didn't know how. I mean how do you-" I stop him by kissing him desperately. His reaction is delayed, but soon he is kissing me back desperately.
            "I know." I say. I peck his lips and bury my head in his neck. He pulls me as close as he can and doesn't let go.
            "Please don't ever leave me again. I can't handle it. The next time it will kill me. I love you so much. I really do. I can't stand to have anything happen to you. And I know that I've made so many mistakes. I know. And I've hurt you so many times, but I promise that it won't happen ever again."
            I nod and just hold onto him. I don't want to be away from him any longer than I have to be. I pull back and kiss him slowly, holding onto the moment.
            I pull back and his eyes widen as he looks at my head. I register the pain and the liquid trickling from it. "I'm calling an ambulance. Lie down okay?" I lay down and wait for the ambulance to arrive. When it does, he gets in with me and doesn't leave my side.
            When we arrive at the hospital, my nerves kick in. I have been here too many times recently and am frankly terrified. Harry smiles at me reassuringly as he walks down the hallway with me, not letting go of my hand once. The bed the paramedics placed me in isn't comfortable and everything hurts, but I try not to show it. In fact, I do my best to ignore it.
            Doctors rush all around me and Harry explains to them what happened. The doctors get to work and fix me up.
            "Ma'am, you'll need to stay here for the night, at the least. It is a wonder you aren't dead." I already know this and don't appreciate the way he is looking at me, like I might break at any moment. I know that obviously I'm not okay, but Rosie helped me more than anyone else could. I still want to die, and I don't know if that will change, but I have a reason to live.
            And his name is Harry Styles.