Spoby Song-Shots

7 • Lonely

A/N: bit of an angsty one so I'll say T/W: mild suicidal thoughts

"I'm slowly killing myself. Working so hard at the back of the shelf."
God. Spencer felt like the only thing she ever did was work: School work, early college work, extra-curricular work. It was chipping away a little more at her soul every day, all she had ever wanted in life was to impress her parents. For once actually make them proud. Yet she was still overlooked, ignored and disregarded.

It's just the same every day. I'm writing these songs that'll never get played
She felt like her whole life for the last 4+ years had been on a loop. Work to the brink of insanity for her parents respect, have it totally ignored, suffer a minor breakdown and then get ready for the sorry cycle to start again.

I get told what's wrong and what's right, I don't have a romantic life.
Spencer had sacrificed a huge amount for her family. She'd sacrificed the friends she used to have because she could never see them as she was so busy with trying to always stay on top, she'd sacrificed any form of a social life outside of family gatherings and she sacrificed any chance of a relationship because she knew that even if she did have the time for a boyfriend, there's absolutely no way her parents would approve so what was the point.

And everyone's dying so I just keep trying to make them proud before they're gone
Okay so bit of an exaggeration on Spencer's behalf. Really only one person had died. Her grandmother had passed away last year and it had hit Spencer like a damn truck. Her grandma was the only one in the entire Hastings clan that saw Spencer for what she was, intelligent, beautiful, hardworking and underrated. She'd always gone out her way to show her granddaughter that even if she wasn't special to anyone else, she was irreplaceable in her eyes. Now Spencer was caught between trying to impress her parents or giving up and resigning herself to that fact that now that her grandma was gone there was no one left to even notice what she did or didn't do.

But can someone help me? Please someone help me. God I don't care anyone or anything cuz I'm so sick of being so lonely
That was the ultimate sacrifice that Spencer had made. She felt completely and utterly alone. In fact, 99% of the time all she wanted was to scream in her parents faces and say "I'M RIGHT DAMN HERE. LOOK AT ME DAMMIT. NOTICE ME." Completely honestly, she would take attention from anyone at this this point. She was so starved of it herself that she felt as though if everyone disappeared tomorrow there would be pretty much 0 impact on her life. But Jesus, she was so done with being alone.

I miss all my family. I don't care anyone or anything cuz I'm so sick of being so lonely.
She missed how her family had been when her and Melissa had been young children. When grades didn't define their worth in their parent's eyes. She missed when her parents actually noticed if she was there or not. She missed when her parents asked her how her day was. She missed when Melissa actually wanted to speak to her. She missed her family.

I'm spending more than I earn. Drink all the time to forget I'm not her.
One perk of being pretty much totally ignored by your parents is that you can do some pretty sneaky shit without anyone realising. Spencer had been a pretty regular alcohol drinker since around 15. She knew where to get it where she wouldn't be IDed and she knew where to hide it. It was her easiest form of escapism. Where she could pretend enough not to just be "Melissa's sister", the eternal second-best. The version of Melissa her parents didn't want.

Cuz I go to parties sometimes. And I'll kiss a boy and pretend for the night
Spencer went to parities about once a semester. She would tell her parents she'd have some kind of late night library session or study group and then pack up a bottle of vodka and sneak back in, absolutely hammered around 3am. She had never woken anyone up because this was her third year doing this shit and she knew damn well no one cared enough to wait up for her.

Cuz I don't know much about me. I'm still ashamed of who I used to
That was a bit of a lie, Spencer had never really been ashamed of her younger self. But her parents had drilled it into her that her young self wasn't good enough. Hell, the current version of herself wasn't good enough. In all honesty Spencer didn't have a clue who the hell she was. So much if herself had been engineered by her toxic family that she was now almost an adult and she didn't have any idea of she could've been had her parents not bullied her into being who she was.

And I try way too hard but I still miss the mark to fit it... Fit in
Don't get it wrong, Spencer had tried to make friends at school. She'd tried hard. She'd tried to reconnect with her friends she'd been too busy to see for so long but she didn't fit in anymore. Everyone saw her as the loner outsider who didn't care for anything other than the letter at the top of her last test paper. That was one of the reasons why she went to those parties. She wanted friends, she wanted to stop feeling so damn lonely all the time but she just didn't know how to connect with these people.

Help me, please someone help me. I don't care anyone or anything cuz I'm so sick of being so lonely.
She desperately wanted to tell someone about what she was going through, how alone she felt 24/7 but she just couldn't. She didn't have a single person in her life who she felt would genuinely want to sit down and listen to her talk and seriously care about what she had to say.

I miss all my family. God I don't care anyone or anything cuz I'm so sick of being so lonely.
All these thoughts, a summary of the last 4 years had been playing around Spencer's head as she walked through town on her way home from school. She needed saving. In fact if she could just get into Lookout Point, maybe there was a way she could save herself. Save herself from having to live this god-awful life anymore. She was so wrapped up in these poisonous thoughts that she didn't notice a tall and v e r y handsome stranger coming towards her.

I don't care anyone or anything cuz I'm so sick of being so lonely.
She walked directly into the stranger. "Oh God, I'm so sorry." She said embarrassed, looking down at her shoes

A soft deep chuckle came from the stranger before he said "Hey no worries. A girl as pretty as you can bump into me anytime you want." He joked.

Spencer finally looked up.

Her chocolate eyes connected with oceanic blue.

"Toby" the stranger said, holding out his hand to shake.

"Spencer" she replied, taking his hand and shaking it.

And just like that suddenly Spencer felt just a little less lonely.

A/N: fuck coronavirus lol. anyway this is by Noah Cyrus, it's a solid depression anthem so listen if you wanna be sad.