Spoby Song-Shots

8 • Before You Go

Set during Toby's -A stint in S3.

I fell by the wayside like everyone else
How the fuck had she got here? God, she'd been so in control for once. Finally excelling academically and socially, finally allowing herself to believe that maybe she was standing out from the crowd and rising above everything she had been through in the last 2 years. Now he'd broken her. Now she was just like every other fucked up person who'd been dealt some shitty cards in this place. A number to be checked through the system and forgotten about.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you but I was just kidding myself
It was almost funny. After everything he put her through, torturing her and her friends, joining up with A, skipping out on their anniversary and then just disappearing when her mom came home after confronting him and she still couldn't hate him. Jesus, she wanted nothing more than to hate every goddamned bone his body and yet she couldn't. Her stomach twisted, her heart wrenched and her brain clouded over with the conflict. She loved him overwhelmingly, every fibre in her body betrayed what her brain wanted her to do. She had tried chanting it in her head. "I hate him. I hate Toby Cavanaugh. I hate you, Toby." Something that had been easy only 2 years before when she believed he had killed her best friend but now she knew every time she tried it was a lie. She didn't hate him. She couldn't.

Our every moment I start to replay
That's all she did in Radley. She stared at the wall and replayed every single second she could remember of them. Trying to fit the puzzle together, hoping that if she combed through every minute of their time together she would know when it went wrong, why he did what he did. Was it something she said? Something she did? If she just stayed awake, just kept thinking, replaying, surely she'd find an answer.

Now all I can think about is seeing that look on your face
The look on his face when he turned to face her when he'd broken into her house to take back his Radley pass. The look of sorrow, brokenness and above all, guilt. Every time she thought of him, of the body in the wood, all she could properly see was that look on his face. She knew in that moment that there wasn't an explanation for this and she physically felt her heart break. She had hoped, God even prayed, that when she gave him the fake ID he would explain, tell her that this was all a misunderstanding, that he hadn't and wouldn't hurt her. That look told her everything she needed to know. He was guilty.

When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water growing cold
She just didn't understand. She had been there for Toby through all the shit he'd been through. She'd helped him deal with the trauma Jenna's sexual abuse and his mother's suicide had left him. She'd stayed up until 3am on the phone with him, whispering words of affirmation and love. She'd helped him come to terms with so much hurt. And he had done nothing but worsen hers.

Well time can heal but this won't
Unless if by some miracle Toby was okay and there was a reasonable, understandable explanation for everything he'd done, (which seemed unbelievably unlikely) Spencer was never going to get over this. She was never going to forget the hurt he'd caused her. She had always thought that if nothing else, at least time was on her side. But now it wasn't. No amount of time was going to fix it. And that made her hurt even more.

So before you go,
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I had known you were the storm to weather
She had gone through everything; she'd overanalysed every date, every phone conversation, every face to face interaction and she couldn't figure out what she could've done to prevent this. She couldn't see a way that she could've loved Toby more deeply. Hindsight was a cruel thing. If only she had known this was what 2 years of "I love you" and "I'll protect you" would lead to.

So before you go,
Is there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless.
The words "If only" had been replaying non-stop in her head since she got to Radley. If only she had said something different on this day or that day. Would he still have some what he did? It was haunting and comforting at the same time. In her heart of hearts Spencer knew there was nothing she could've done. She just wished her heart would tell her brain that. Despite everything, the pain she was in because of him, she just hoped that if he was alive somewhere he was okay. She knew how Toby's brain worked. At least, she thought she did. And she knew how much his overthinking could drag him down. In a twisted way that was a small source of comfort, the slim possibility that maybe he was okay and she hated herself for it. How can he break her so badly but still have her whole heart?

Oh, before you go.
Spencer just wished she could've spoken to him even just a minute longer the night of their anniversary. Just a minute before he disappeared. Maybe then she wouldn't be here, rotting in a fucking psych ward. One more minute before he went.

Was never the right time, whenever you called
When little by little by little until there was nothing at all
The night she found out and he ran from her, she had gone to his apartment and sobbed outside his door for 2 and a half hours. Even after she'd gone home she had called him relentlessly until 4am. She had left voicemail after voicemail until his inbox was full. Some begging for an explanation, some just a violent string of cuss words, some just her sobbing until her time ran out. And with every one a little bit more of her heart had broken until it was so shattered she couldn't even bring herself to look at his contact.

Would we be better off by now? If I'd let my walls come down?
Had she been too closed off? She had shared more with Toby than she had with anyone else in her life, physically and mentally. She'd let him have her heart, her trust, God even her body. And it wasn't enough.

Well I guess we'll never know, you know, you know.
They wouldn't. Spencer would never know if she could've changed what happened. And that was something she felt wouldn't stop hurting anytime soon

Before you go,
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I had known you were the storm to weather.

Oh

Before you go...