Lucid

Chapter Seven

I sit and stare out the window. There's a bitter taste in my mouth that irritates me. My stomach is gnawing at itself. I need food.
    The room is silent, filled by the slow and painful ticking of the clock. It mocks me, skipping it's ticking noise every few seconds.
       The monitor puts down her book, lowers her wired glasses and stares at me as if I made a sound or completed an otherwise stare-worthy action. She purses her red, overly-moist lips together and shakes her head at me, clearly dissatisfied.
      "Did I do something wrong?"
      "I don't know, you tell me. You're the one in detention."
      Was I supposed to tell her what I did? I've been here for half an hour already, why ask now?
      "Uh, this kid stole my ID and bought cookies with it for him and his friends. I was harsh with him I guess."
       A small smile appears on her face. "Why isn't he in detention?"
    "He's suspended."
     "Well, how were you harsh with him?"
       I try to recall what I said. My head's a fuzzy mess. "I said some vulgar things."
      The old woman leans back in her chair which responds with a moan. She raises her eyebrows. "Let's hear it."
    My cheeks flush. What? I run a hand through my hair nervously. "Um, well, I made a dumb sex-with-your-mom comeback, I think."
    She starts to laugh. "You got detention for that? You were just standing up to yourself -- and quite hilariously, I'm sure! You don't need to be here. Go home, honey. I'll mark you down as here for the full time."
    My face lights up.
    "Really?"
    She nods. I swing my backpack over my shoulder and dart out the door, thanking her as I go. I run all the way home.
    When I open the garage door Mom greets me. "Oh, Miles, your friend came over. I told her you had detention and she was about to leave but you're here now. She's in your room."
    "You let her in my room?" My tone comes off harder than intended.
    "Yes. She seemed nice and she's been over before. What's her name again?"
    "Kayla," I mutter under my breath as I enter the house. I grab a banana to satisfy my hunger and then speed upstairs. I swing the door open in hopes of catching her rummaging through my stuff.
    I hate to admit it, but she was right. I had put stuff under my bed and hidden before she came over -- and now she was unexpected.
    She was sitting politely on the edge of my bed which I didn't remember making, hands folded in her lap.
    "Oh hey. Not hiding today, I see."
    I groan and sit in my chair.
    "I wasn't expecting you, Kayla. Why are you here?"
    She shrugs. "Bored. Thought you might want a study buddy. Sorry for barging in. I would've waited downstairs but your mom insisted I should go upstairs and wait for you to come home."
    She told me she was making her leave.
    Kayla's presence was positive and usually enjoyable. However, her invasion was beyond annoying.
    My eyes dart over to my bed.
    "It wasn't made. I couldn't resist. But I didn't snoop. Then again, didn't really have to."
    "Kayla, go home." Her tiny freckled nose scrunches. "I'm sorry but I've had a long day and you've been kind of annoying lately, if I'm being honest. I'm uncomfortable with you here, touching my stuff."
    Her eyes water. Shit.
    "It's okay, you're totally right. I'm just now realizing what a bitch I've been. I can go. But, if you want, I can just sit on the floor and read articles on my phone quietly. I won't touch anything, I promise. I just want to prove to you that I can be normal, which is how I normally am. Not annoying or a boundary-pusher."
    Her request is interesting. Most people who get called annoying and are asked to leave run out of the house, probably mad. However, Kayla just sits there, twirling her warm brown hair in her finger subconsciously and waiting for my reply.
    "Truth is, I don't want to go home."
    Something shifts in her eyes and I suddenly see pain. Whatever's at home, it's not good. It's not my place to pry, but I can help by being here for her.
    "Okay. Fine."
    She smiles and lies on her stomach on the floor. I pretend to read but I watch her. Her thumb occasionally swipes up, with her bright yellow nails with sunflowers delicately painted there.
    She shifts uncomfortably, eyes glued to the phone.
    "You don't have to lie there. You can sit on my bed. When I agreed to letting you stay I didn't mean you also had to be on the ground."
    Her eyes light up. "Thank you! My ribs were hurting pressed up against the carpet like that."
    My chest twinges with guilt. I've been a bit of a dick. I sigh and apologize. There's a comfortable silence that washes over the room as I sit on the bed and bury my face in my hands.
    I can't do this. Life. Not without Alyssa. I can feel the weight as the water clings to my lash like a sloth to a tree. It drops onto my palm, then slides down my wrist.
    I jump when I feel the touch on my shoulder. Her hand is delicate, like she's afraid she'll hurt me if she pushes too hard.
    "Miles."
    My name falls from her lips as if it were a forbidden word.
    Kayla doesn't speak again. Her tender touch remains but not another word leaves her mouth. This silence between us would usually be stiff but it feels natural. More tears fall onto my palm and slide down my arm. I usually never cry. But these days...
    "It's okay to cry. You don't have to hide."
    I let my hands drop into my lap. I turn to look at her. Her glistening eyes see through me, her glossy full lips trembling slightly. I can see it in her hazel eyes: she knows my pain. I may not have spoken a word about Alyssa, but she can tell. She can tell I'm empty.
    Her hand wraps around my head, weaved in my dark hair as she pulls me into a hug.
    "It hurts so bad," is all I can seem to say. My tears spill over onto her shoulder. "Shit, I'm sorry, I'm a mess." There's a strain while I pull away from her warm embrace.
    "Don't apologize. You're missing someone. Someone you've lost."
    "How-"
    She wipes a tear away from her cheek. "Lost my mom."
    "I'm so sorry I didn't know."
    She shakes her head and laughs. "Don't do that. What is this, a cheesy romcom? It was a while ago. And anyways I'm not crying because of that I'm crying because you are. Can't help it."
    I laugh with her now. Once the noise dies down she bites her lip to think. "Wanna watch The Office?"
    "Always."

    My eyes slowly open to the warmth between my arms. Kayla's breath rises and falls rhythmically. My arm is draped over her waist. She's curled up and her ass is pressed up against me. My cheeks begin to roast.
    I try to recall how we fell asleep. We were lying down, a foot or two at least between us, watching a few episodes of TV before we powered it off. It was incredibly intimate, but not romantic. We had shared something. She understood me, which tethered us together in a deep yet fragile connection.
    This I can remember, but at what point she fell asleep in my arms is lost to me. I carefully lift my right arm up. It hovers inches above her waist before I can retract it safely. My left arm is under her head. I very cautiously reach for my phone with my free hand. I press the center button. It's six in the morning.
    Holy fuck she accidentally slept the night. Her dad must be flipping out. I think of waking her but I'm not sure the damage control will be any better if she wakes up now versus in an hour or two. I decide to let her sleep.
    Seeing that I'm stuck, I put my arm back where it was before and close my eyes. My breathing slows and starts to match with hers. I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into sleep again, but I'm startled awake when she takes a sudden deep breath.
    Her eyes open. She seems to be still asleep. Her gaze is distant. She shuts them again.
    This occurs a few more times. She's still for several minutes before she backs up her ass against me harder. Fuck. I try to scoot back an inch but her body naturally seems to want to be against mine.
    She stirs again, eyes blinking slowly. They're suddenly filled with panic. This time she's awake. "Miles?" she whispers, unable to see me.
    "Yes?"
    "Did we fall asleep? Shit, what time is it?" I tell her it's early morning, that we have an hour or two left to sleep if she needs it. She shrugs. "Maybe."
    "Will your dad be panicking?"
    She shakes her head. "Nope. I think I'll sleep for a few more minutes. You're so warm." She pushes her hips back to meet mine again and I internally groan out of embarassment. I fucking hate being a guy. Maybe she didn't notice. At least she can't see my flaming cheeks.
    A wide, genuine smile spreads across her face. Fuck. "Miles?" she whispers, chuckling quietly to herself.
    The embarrassment is painfully prominent in my voice. I sigh. "Yes?"
    "Am I too close? Am I bothering you?"
    I shut my eyes tightly. I can feel the heat spreading across my neck. I'm mortified. "Uh, no. I don't care, but I encourage you to move away if you want to."
    She presses against me harder, with intent, laughing. I'm about to jump off a cliff out of embarrassment and she's amused with it all. She thinks it's funny. Funny. Oh, god.
    "Are -- are you sure?" She laughs and grinds more. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to keep my breathing calm and steady. "Because it seems like you do care."
    I sigh. "I -- I can't help it. It's early, I just woke up."
    She giggles again and then rolls over unexpectedly. She's facing me now. Her eyelids are puffy with sleep and her lips are turned up in an entertained smile. Her grin fades when she sees my face.
    "Why are you so red?"
    I look her straight in the eye and admit: "I'm incredibly embarrassed."
    "Oh no. I'm really sorry I was just being silly I wasn't trying to embarrass you or make you uncomfortable. If it helps at all, I don't care. I found it funny. There's no need to be embarrassed."
    I avert my eyes to some speck on my wall while she continues to snicker.
    "I'm sorry. I think I'm just laughing as an emotion-masking defense mechanism at this point." She finally stops. She's silent. My eyes dark back to hers but they don't meet mine. Her eyes scan my arm, my hand. She stares a little too long, her eyebrows softly pulled together, her lower lip quivering.
    I laugh at her now.
    "What are you doing?"
    I thought my cheeks get red... Hers turn a dark crimson. She looks troubled. "Um, no, sorry, I-"
    "Kayla, chill, you're good. Don't worry, I'm just trying to give you a taste of your own medicine," I tell her, flashing her the same amused smirk she'd given me.
    Her smile doesn't reappear to my surprise. She puts her hand on my chest and my smile leaves too. Humiliation and teasing is tossed aside. Abandoned. Her eyes searching mine. "Your heart's beating fast."
    "Is it?"
    Her eyes stay fixed on mine. She continues to search for something within me. "You're in so much pain." Those words were the last ones I thought would come from her mouth. "Let me take some of it away."
    Before I can even process her words her soft lips are pressed against mine. In just the seconds I start kissing her back, her hand slips underneath my pants. I groan as she kisses me.
    Part of me wants Kayla, wants to get lost in her and hide from the world, wants to be numb from the pain I feel.
    But Alyssa.
    "Stop," I manage to finally say.
    Her lips and hand immediately retract. "What's wrong?"
    "I can't. My best friend is..."
    She puts a finger to my lips to silence me. She gently pushes me down and rests her head on my chest.
    "Okay, Miles. It's okay. Let's just lie here."
    Minutes pass and the thought of sleep becomes increasingly unappealing. I assume she's up for the day too. Her breathing remains that of an alert Kayla.
    "We should get up soon. I'll explain to my mom. We'll make breakfast and catch the bus together."
    She nods. "Okay. Thank you." Her tone is serious but it suddenly lifts. She smiles and laughs. "I think you should go to the bathroom and take care of something first."
    My ears get hot.
    "Yeah, yeah."
    She lifts her head up from my chest. I pull myself up and walk towards the bedroom door. "Don't steal anything while I'm gone."
    "Ha-ha," she mocks. "Have fun jerking off."
    My head snaps back to look at her, shocked by her forward language. "Uh, yeah... thanks."
    I leave the bedroom door cracked open. When I step into the bathroom light I can see how red my face is. Oh god, I think. Why does everything have to be so fucking awkward?
    Alyssa didn't appear in my dreams last night. In fact, I didn't dream at all. My heart aches. I feel tears threatening to fall but I deny them. I clench my jaw, swallow the lump in my throat and take three deep breaths.
    God I fucking miss her.