Lucid

Chapter Nine

Her giggles echo, bouncing off the round ceiling.
    "What do you think that hole does? In the ceiling?" I ask.
    "I'm not sure exactly. Wait, Miles, do you not know where we are?"
    My smile fades. "Am I supposed to? I thought you made this place up." She laughs hysterically, looping her arm through mine. The touch sends my heart into a frenzy.
    "We're in Rome. This is called the Pantheon. It's very famous. I thought you'd recognize it and be excited, that's why I brought you here."
    Alyssa's smile radiates as she speaks, her white teeth in perfect alignment with each other. Her hand goes into the air and she waves to a man, dressed in a polo shirt with a nametag.
    "Can you tell us about the hole in the ceiling?" she says to the guide.
    "That's the oculus, or eye of the temple. It's thirty feet wide and lets in the light. It's also believed to be built so viewers can look to the heavens. Does that help?"
    I turn to see Alyssa who nods, satisfied with his response. She waves cheerily at him and leads me in another direction.
    "But we're not actually here. We're in a dream, remember?"
    She drops her arm and strays away from me. I watch her eyes brighten up as she reads a sign on one of the stands. She's so curious and fascinated... it's inspiring. 
     "Look here, Miles." I look at the sign she's reading. Her eyes jump around while she reads some facts about construction. She tucks some of her strawberry blonde hair behind her ear and then looks up at me. "This may be a dream. But we are here. We're actually here."
       I touch the wall. "My fingerprints aren't gonna be left? Or will they."
    "Not in the real Rome, but in this version of it."
      I turn back to the guide who remains standing stiff. Other than him, it's just us here. "So then what's stopping us from going insane? Burning this place down or stealing a car and speeding off to the ocean somewhere?"
       She laughs. "Jail. A lawsuit, perhaps."
      "But this isn't real."
       A devious smile emerges. She takes my hand in hers. I look down at it, processing slowly. Alyssa's holding my hand? Alyssa's holding my hand! She ignores my obvious hesitation and she leads me to the exit.
      The streets are bustling like Rome should be. She finds the nearest woman and grabs her purse. Laughing, she drops my hand and takes off running. The woman screams and looks me dead in the eye. I look to Alyssa's who's shrinking in the distance as she runs. I apologize to the woman but chase after Alyssa.
       She eventually stops, bending over, hands on her knees and panting hard. She takes a moment to collect herself before prying the bag open. I notice the brand symbol on the bag: Gucci.
     Alyssa pulls out a tampon and an empty wallet.
    "What the hell?"
      I would take the purse and inspect it for myself, but I wouldn't dare to put my middle-class hands on a purse like that.
      Alyssa snaps her fingers and we're inside a jewelry store. She whispers in my ear to play along. Before I can even ask what it is we're doing she's at the desk. "Hi, I'm Catherine, this is Josh. He proposed to me the other day but it was spur-of-the-moment so he didn't get a ring. Can we see your engagement ring options?"
      "Certainly! Anything in mind?"
       Alyssa turns to me for answers. She kicks my shin softly. "Uh, anything nice for my beautiful lady. I love her so damn much. She deserves the world on her finger."
    I mean every word, but I know Alyssa would never know that. Not really. Even if I told her how I felt, she would never truly understand how much love I have for her.
       We're shown four options. Alyssa's eyes sparkle. "I love that one! Oh, it's so bright!" She tells the woman her ring size. She slips it onto her ring finger. "Do you like it, Josh?"
    "I do."
     "Save that for the wedding!" she teases.
     Alyssa admires the ring on her finger, moving it in the light. Her smile is so wide, so stunning. I can't believe she'd ever hurt herself. She scrunches her freckled nose as she giggles, giddy with the ring.
I pull her from her daydream and gently take her dazzled hand in mine. I find myself sinking down, kneeling onto one knee.
     "Alyssa..."
    "Oh, must you use my full name? Fine, Alyssa Catherine it is."
       She's still pretending, I remind myself. "Right. Alyssa Catherine. You are the light of my life. I'm not very good with words but I will say that it would be such an honor to wake up next to you every morning. You deserve the world -- I meant that. I may not be the world, but I can give you my heart. Please, say you'll spend your life with me."
      Her glossy eyes become fixed on the ring. She looks... sad. A tear slips from underneath her long lashes.
    "Yes. Yes, Josh. You know I will."
     I stand up and wrap her into my arms. I hug her tightly. I'm afraid to let her go. The room claps. Alyssa whispers: "good job". She grabs my hand and yanks me out of the shop, sprinting. Fuck we just stole a ten thousand dollar engagement ring. I take a deep breath and remind myself I'm dreaming.
Oh fuck.
      I'm dreaming. Eventually I'm going to wake up and Alyssa won't be holding my hand or talking about me marrying her. She'll be lying in a hospital bed.
       There's a siren behind us. We attempt to outrun the car but we fail.
       One painfully slow hour passes and we're thrown into a cell. "Okay, can you get us out now, Alyssa? It's not fun anymore. It smells like shit in here."
Alyssa rubs her wrists, sore from the cuffs.
     "I can't. I tried to turn the cops into oompa loompas but it didn't work. I don't understand. I have complete control over everything except what you do. I don't get why I can't get us out."
      My heart jumps into my throat. "You mean we're actually in jail?"
      She tells me not to worry, that it's still only a dream, that perhaps the universe has a reason for us to be stuck together in a cell. Hours pass. "It meant a lot to me. When you came to visit, I mean. Holding my hand. I forget sometimes that the world is still happening around me."
      "I asked your dad. He doesn't know about how you feel. Disgusting."
        She nods. "I know. I heard you two talk. And I know my heartbeat picked up. I couldn't feel it but I heard it on the monitor. I know it seems like I'm always having fun exploring dreamland. But I spend most of my time in the dark. Unable to move. Tube down my throat. Listening to my own heartbeat or my dad sip his coffee and cry. And I'm sorry. About needing medication. I can't believe how badly I've hurt you. Makes me wanna commit suicide all over again."
      "You only hurt me by attempting suicide in the first place." She wipes away a few tears. "You can tell me anything. If you... if you aren't going to wake up, and I'll never get to talk to you again, at least talk to me now."
      "I'm ashamed." I open my mouth to defend her but she silences me with her hand. "I'm not done. I'm ashamed. I'm disgusted with myself."
     "Why?"
      Tears glide down her rosy cheeks.
     "I can't tell you. Hell, I can't even admit it to myself," she says. I repeat that she can tell me anything. She snaps. "NO I CAN'T. I'm not going to tell you. Fuck why can't you just leave it alone?"
     "Alyssa-"
       She shakes her head furiously. She paces around in the small cell, fingers wrapped around the metal bars.
       "Fuck I can't get away from you."
      "Away from me? You don't need to. I'm here for you."
     "No you're not. Stop. Just... stop. I don't want to see you anymore." Thank god we're in a cell, I think, but when I look up to meet her eyes she's gone.
I call out her name, frantically searching for her. It's not like she could be hiding anywhere. She left. She's back trapped in her hospital body. She stopped dreaming.
      I wait for half an hour for something to happen, for a sign that she'll come back.
      I hear a loud whining sound, like a child who wants ice cream. There's a young girl, maybe twelve or thirteen. She has on thick striped black-and-white leggings, a hideous orange wool sweater and a purple headband. Her hair is in pigtails. She looks like something out of the Wizzard of Oz.
       I'm confused as I scan her. The officer keeps pushing her towards her cell. "Why is your grip so tight?" she groans to the cop. She makes eye contact with me. "What are you staring at, Miles? Mind your own damn business."
     Her voice is nasally, annoying.
      I avert my eyes and try to act like I wasn't staring. "Sorry," I say. She passes by my cell but turns her head to stick her tongue out at me. She's thrown into a cell down the hall where she complains that even her crappy bedroom is better than that.
      Something about her makes me very uncomfortable. I decide since Alyssa isn't coming back any time soon, and all there's here for me is an annoying pre-teen down the call, I have no reason to stay.
     I will myself awake.
      When I do, I'm panting and covered in a thick layer of sweat. I place a hand to my forehead and kick the covers off of myself.
      I get out of bed, brush my teeth, run down the stairs, put on my shoes and escape out the back door. I turn off my brain and I jog. I jog for an hour. My lungs burn as I gasp for air but I don't give a fuck. I run for another hour, surprised I was able to remember how to get there.
      The glass doors slide open for me. The woman behind the desk looks at me like I've got a gun. I explain the room Alyssa's in and that I'm there to visit. She nods, suspicious, and lets me up.
      I rush inside, startling her dad.
      "Alyssa, I know you can hear me. If you can smell me, I'm sorry about that, I ran here, it's early. But listen. I'm sorry for pushing you in the prison cell. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I just wanted to help."
      I slow my breathing and turn to look at her dad whose jaw is dropped.
     "What the fuck are you talking about? And why are you awake it's three in the morning? Does your mom know you're here?"
     "Um, no."
     He sighs. "I should really drive you back, but I can't leave Alyssa."
     "No, I know. Um, I'll call my mom to pick me up once it's morning. Late morning. Do you mind if I stay here?"
      "Go ahead, son."
      I sit across from him and rest my head on the armrest. My eyes burn. I close them tightly and find myself being sucked into a heavy sleep.
I'm back in the jail cell. Alone and unable to control anything. Am I stuck like this? Bored and lonely in a jail cell with no control, no Alyssa?
     I jolt myself awake. "Join me in the cell, Alyssa," I say loudly. It takes me ten minutes to go to sleep but she's still not there. I wake up. "Join me in the cell! Now! I just want to talk!" I nod off half an hour later and she sits, pouting on the bed.
     "Thank god. Listen, I just wanna say I'm sorry."
    "And I just wanna say stop shouting at me you're confusing my dad."
     Then she's gone. I shout of frustration, banging my fists on my knees. I pull myself out of it. When I wake up I see her heart is racing. Her dad stares at me with an anger I've never seen before.
      "You're stressing her out somehow. I think you should leave."
      Not wanting to test this sleep-deprived version of Alyssa's dad, I decide I'll spend the rest of the morning in the downstairs hospital lobby while I wait for my mom to arrive.