Lucid

Chapter Eleven

My fingers sign into my laptop in a rapid motion. I check my inbox: twelve emails from teachers telling me the work I have to do.
    "So I made you a tuna sandwich and there's some chips and fruit in here too. I'll be back later tonight. But, your teachers are only going to believe you're sick for so long. You really should be getting ready to come back home."
    I look up from my screen and lock eyes with my mom.
    "So Alyssa's dad is doing better?"
    Her eyes dart over to Alyssa's lifeless body before she speaks, as if she were checking that she was in fact unconscious. Well, partially.
    "He's been under psychiatric observation the passed two days but that's all I really know. They're trying to get him nourished again. I think they sedated him and he's been asleep for quite a while. I'm sure they're taking care of him."
    I relax a little in my seat. Mom's feet glide across the tile. She smoothens my soft black hair back and kisses my forehead gently.
    "What you're doing for Alyssa and her dad is very sweet, Miles. But it's not practical. You can't live in this room forever."
    "It's not forever. Just until her dad can be back." Mom raises her brows at me. "Ok, yeah, I know."
    She pats on the bag of food she'd made and blows me another kiss before she leaves. I start on my work. I've only missed one day of school, but somehow there's tons of catchup. Quizzes, notes, classwork, homework.
    I take a deep breath. I think about Alyssa and the dreams. It's crazy, isn't it? Am I dumb for believing that she's visiting me in dreams?
    Yes, Miles, you are. This isn't magic, it's your mind coping, I tell myself. I dreamtmed last night. Alyssa and I were still in the jail cell. She'd thanked me for staying with her, but then told me to return to my life. She said it was making her feel guilty.
    "I killed myself -- or at least made it this far -- because I don't like this. You shouldn't have to do things like this for me," she told me, nervously playing with her peachy hair.
    I bit my lip and told her that I did these things for her because I love her, but she did not believe me.
    "You don't love me. You just don't want to lose me. Those aren't the same thing."
    "I love you more than you could ever know," I admitted, and for a split second I felt she knew what I meant. But as I watch her now, tired of thinking about schoolwork, I can't imagine she knows how I feel about her.
    "Alyssa, I know a part of you wants to live," I tell her now, placing my laptop off my lap and rising out of my seat to her bed. I gently take her hand in mine. Her pulse increases slightly at the touch. Startled her. "You aren't hurting anyone by being alive. You're only hurting us by dying. And you don't need to feel shame or guilt, you've never even done anything wrong. And you are so loved. You may not believe it, but it's true."
    I sit back in my chair and complete a few online assignments. I suddenly realize how hungry I am. I devour my forgotten tuna sandwich and then curl up in the chair. I scroll through the news but find that I'm not paying attention to any of the articles I'm clicking on.
    I exit out of the app on my phone and open apple music. I look through my artist choices, trying to find something to listen to, maybe fall asleep to. Suddenly my eyes land on Eyes Wide Open. I almost forgot about them.
    I downloaded the album for her, weeks ago when it came out. I listened to it once, with her, but didn't have the chance or urge to listen again.
    I click on the name of the band, select the newest album, and hit play. She hasn't had the chance to listen to them much either. Her pulse immediately shoots up. I consider turning it off; her heart could be racing because it's stressing her out. But it could also be racing because she's excited to be able to hear it.
    I get an inkling it's the latter.
    The music rings loudly in my ears. For a moment I don't have to worry about Alyssa being happy because I know she is. It's a weight off my shoulders. I sink into my chair, let it swallow me up, and close my eyes.
    Five very long songs later, my eyes begin to feel like they're glued shut. Suddenly, I'm back in the cell.
    "I appreciate it, by the way. The music," Alyssa says. I can still hear it. She walks around the small cell. Her smile is bright today. As her lips stretch and her beautiful teeth are revealed, the freckles across her cheeks and nose morph into different places.
    "I hate being in this cell. Do you know when you'll be able to take control again and let us leave?"
    Her smile weakens. "Yes, actually. A prison guard told me that we're stuck here until something happens. Didn't tell me what, though."
    "How are you?"
    She draws in a slow breath. "Fine. Just waiting for Dad to sign the papers for the doctors to stop my heart."
    "Your dad won't ever do that. You'll live a full life in a coma if you don't wake up. I know that for a fact. Your dad will not sign those papers."
    Alyssa bends her head over between her knees and gathers her hair together. She somehow twists it into a bun and gets it to stick. "He will. It just might take a while."
    "You're loved."
    "By who?" she hisses.
    "Me! You know I love you! You're my best friend."
    "If you love me, it's only because you don't know what I really am. You only see what's on the outside. So it doesn't count. No one that really knows me would love me."
    "Who really knows you?"
    "Just me. Only I know what I am. And I definitely don't love myself."
    "We could change that," I whisper under my breath. "So what are you?"
    The words leave her lips in a gentle breath, but hit me like knives digging into my flesh: "A slut."
    My heart sinks into my chest. What the fuck is she talking about? "Alyssa, don't say that. You know that's not true. Don't disrespect yourself."
    She gets angry, leaping to her feet. Hurt and pain are behind her eyes and it kills me. "YOU. CAN'T. SAY. THAT. You don't know so you can't say that."
    "Enlighten me."
    "I'm not a virgin-" she blurts out. I shrug despite the pain in my chest. Not because I think she's a slut, but because I know whoever she's been with probably doesn't deserve someone as amazing as Alyssa. "And I lost my virginity to someone much much older. And I can't get away because I love him. But it's bad, Miles." Tears fall from her green eyes, dripping onto the dirty floor. "I'm in so much pain. And I feel so disgusting. And I just can't."
    I open my arms to her and let her fall into my chest. I squeeze my eyes tightly and absorb her, my arms gently yet firmly wrapped around her. Oh, Alyssa. You could've told me. When I open my eyes again we're in a wheatfield.
    "I think I had needed to tell you that," she whispers into my chest.
    "You deserve so much better in life than what you've been given."
    She pulls away from me. Her mascara is running, her red eyes brimmed with tears. "Oh, Miles. What did I do to deserve you?"
    "Wake up, Alyssa. We can get you away from this guy. All of us. My mom, your dad, me, and a shit ton of experts want to help you."
    She shakes her head and uses the back of her thumbs to wipe away the tears under her eyes. "You can't. That's why I'm staying asleep. I'll talk to you later, Miles."
    I reach for her hand but she's gone. Fuck. Fuck! I scream myself awake. Her pulse is still elevated.
    I run my fingers through my ebony waves and rub my eyes. I'm exhausted. It's hard to feel at peace sitting next to her.
    I pull out my laptop and throw myself back into schoolwork. I get a notification from a college. My heart races. Is college really that close? Alyssa's heart rests at sixty eight beats per minute.
   It's probably all in your head, I tell myself. I want to believe that it's real. If it's not... I have no hope. But there's no way of knowing.
    Suddenly a thought pops into my head: The Pantheon. My keys clack as my fingers struggle to find the right letters. I misspell it but Google corrects me.
    I pull up the page for The Pantheon. It's in Rome. And it's got an oculus that's... thirty feet wide. If it weren't real, how would my dream have made up real facts that I didn't know? My eyes fall on Alyssa, the gentle rise and fall of her breath, the rhythmic beeping of her monitor.
    Oh Alyssa. Please come back to me.

    I hold her hand tightly, my backpack heavy on my shoulders. "I love you. You're my best friend. I'm only doing this because I know you'd want me to. I promise you won't be alone. Someone will check on you and I'll be back later tonight after dinner."
    I mentally plead for her hand to grasp mine back, for her lips to turn up into a smile. She lies motionless.
    "It's time to go, Miles," Mom calls from the threshold. As I leave the chilled room, I'm hit with warm air. It's suffocatingly thick and I wonder if it's actually hot or if I'm just not used to it.
    "Is it hot to you?" I ask my mom. She shakes her head, too distraught to speak. I find my vision starts to blur. I take deep breaths but they never seem deep enough. I suddenly sit down in the middle of the hallway.
    "Miles? Miles?"
    Her voice sounds distant, like I'm in a tunnel. I roll on my back. She rummages through her black leather purse and pulls out an orange prescription bottle. She offers me a little pill. I turn my head away from her; I can do this myself.
    My head falls to the side. For just a moment, I see her. She's in her blue and white gown. Her long hair is tangled but is still clearly soft. Her lips are dry, her cheeks colorless. But she glows.
    "Alyssa?" I whisper.
    Mom doesn't hear me and instead opens my mouth and pops the Xanny in. She pours water down my throat. I'm forced to swallow. I gasp for air until it finally comes to me. My legs shake. It takes me a few minutes to realize Mom is smoothing my hair down.
    "Can you hear me?" she asks. I nod. "Can you speak?" I shake my head. She gives me a few minutes and then helps me up. "We're going down the elevator."
    She leads me down and helps me walk all the way out to the car. I hate admitting that I need this. I need to be walked to the car. I should be driving and partying and studying and... living.
    When I get home I finish playing catch up on my homework. My cheeks still buzz, a typical post-panic-attack symptom for me. My knees are a little shaky, my throat a little dry. Typical.
    However, what isn't typical is the complete numbness falling over me. I move robotically and without thought. Not reckless, not careless. I'm simply... blank. I move how I know I should and do what I know I should, but I don't feel anything.
    I sit in my rolling chair, head draped lazily over the back of the chair. My feet push off and I spin slowly. I accidentally hit the leg of my desk. Sharp pain is sent shooting up my leg and my heart beats again.
    When the pain fades I'm back to being blank. I pull myself out of my chair and drag myself to the bathroom door. I close it, lock it. My rubbery hand connects with the faucet of the shower. I turn the knob and watch the water rush freely. I set the plug.
    While the water fills up the tub, I stare myself in the mirror. My expression is blank. I try to smile or frown but no matter what I do, my face seems to remain the same. My eyes are rimmed with red and my lip trembles.
    It's like I'm feeling everything and nothing all at once.
    My toe is suddenly wet. I look down. I'm crying. I don't even feel like I'm crying. I slip off my shirt. I stare at my chest and stomach. From sports and my working out in my spare time, I have developed a well-sculpted body, despite the thick shirts I wear, hiding it.
    I slip off my pants and boxers and move to the bath. I step into the scalding hot water and sink into it slowly, happy to feel something. Is that why Alyssa hurt herself? To feel? I look over at the razor on the counter.
    I reach up and grab it. My breaths are even and calm as I admire the blades. Maybe I'll feel closer to Alyssa. I decide I'll wait a few minutes. I close my eyes and think about her. The water stills and I sink deeper into it.
    When I open my eyes Alyssa's sitting beside me.
    "Stop, Miles. Stop it right now."
    "What? Stop what?"
    She roughly grabs my face, crushing my cheeks between her fingers. "If you do this, I will never forgive you."
    I drop the razor. It sinks deeper and deeper, disappearing. How deep is my bath? "I'm sorry. I won't do it. I just feel so numb and alone and... I'm so hurt."
    "Because of me," she finishes.
    I nod. "But only because you're not here. You're my best friend. I need you in my life. You only ever hurt me by leaving. What can I do to convince you that you belong on this earth?"
    She averts her eyes. "I can't live like this, Miles. That's what you don't understand. I can't live unloved, and I can't live keeping a secret. I can't keep feeling disgusting. I just can't do that."
    "Come back to me. Come back to me and I'll get you away from this guy, I can help you not feel disgusting anymore, you can get help. Please, Alyssa, please."
    "I should go. But don't touch that razor."
    "How did you get here?"
    "You're asleep, Miles. You fell asleep in the tub."
    I open my mouth to say something but I can't breathe. She disappears and then I'm suddenly emerged under water. I push myself up and gasp for air. I fell asleep in the tub. I throw the razor across the room.
    I shake off the water, dog-like. I dart to my room, naked, and lie on my bed. I stare up at my ceiling fan and I think. I think about Alyssa, and her dad. I think about Kayla.
    Then, for the first time in a while, I think about myself.
    What do I need right now?
    I get dressed, fly down the stairs, and make myself a sandwich. I lace up my shoes and go for a run around the neighborhood.
    Maybe it'll bring me some clarity.