Dreams We Had

Chapter Six - Kian Miki

There was no excuse.

I couldn't take back what I had done and the guilt was eating at me. I felt helpless, even sorry for myself despite the fact that it was my wrongdoing and stupidity that had gotten us here. I should have been the bigger person and kept a cool head.

Kayden and I continued our search but with no prevail as we ran out of ideas. Everywhere we looked, she wasn't. I had sent her about a thousand messages and called a million more.

What if she got abducted or something? She was my responsibility and I lost her. I fucked up really bad and lost her just like I had done with our parents. Why did I mess everyone's life's up so badly? Why did I seem to always make these mistakes? I couldn't stop the guilty thoughts from rushing through my head and I needed a break. So I stopped the car in a desolate, dimly lit parking lot and rested my head on the wheel, letting out a long sigh.

"Are you okay?" Kayden said softly as the tears began slowly rolling down my face, "Ki-tan? Daijoubu?" He said again, trying to get me to talk. No, I wasn't okay. What kind of question is that? Are you okay? When it's obvious that I'm not okay. His persistent questioning was beginning to get on my nerves.

"No! Just leave me alone!" I snapped at him, slamming my hands on the steering wheel, "I'm not okay. I messed up bad and I can't feel sorry for myself because I know it was my fault. She won't forgive me, not for this. I really did it this time..."

The silence began again; I sat back up in the seat. Staring up at pale grey evening sky for a few moments before I made a rash decision. I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed over the center council onto Kayden's lap, wrapping my arms around him. We sat there hugging. Just hugging. He smelled faintly of cool body spray and sweat. He was warm and comforting. I just held him, and held him, and held him. Finally, I felt some peace. All I really needed was a hug from someone to feel instantly better. I wouldn't readily admit to it, but it was true.

"It'll be okay." He whispered as I peered into the backseat, studying the ever so fascinating black color of the seats. We continued to sit there for what seemed like hours. I leaned back, sitting up, and looked him in the eyes. I nodded. Everything about him was beautiful: his eyes, his hair, his lips, his face, the way he breathed, and the concern in his eyes. Everything about him was captivating. I leaned forward and kissed him. One kiss became two, two became three, three became four, four became five. After a few seconds, Kayden placed his hand on my chest and lightly pushed me back. He sighed.

"I don't think this is the time for this, dude. It isn't going to make everything okay. This whole situation got me thinking about something. Why do you keep yourself, your past, so closed off and hidden? She's been asking you those questions since the day I met her. Why don't you just tell her? Just suck it up and talk to her about it instead of lying and making her life miserable."

I felt myself get red. I couldn't believe he had said such an insensitive thing at such an insensitive time. What he didn't know was that the truth was something unspeakably morbid. He didn't know a damn thing. He didn't understand at all. I thought he would know better than that. In a split second of unadulterated rage I propelled myself back over the center council and out the door, stumbling away from the car in a grumbling frustration. I stood in the middle of the parking lot all dramatically, looking off into the distance until I felt my phone buzz. I ignored it thinking it was just my opinionated boyfriend, but on the second ring I picked up, finding it was my sister. I whipped around, dashing back towards the car. I took a deep breath to steady my voice before pulling it out of my pocket.

"H-Hello" I answered, carefully sitting back down into the driver's seat.

"I wanna go home." Her voice wavered as she was still crying. My heart stopped. I was actually scared to talk to her mostly because I felt like the world's biggest asshole, which was warranted because I was. I took another deep breath, pulling the seatbelt across my chest and buckling it with a click.

"Where are you? Are you hurt? Is everything all right?" I asked, glancing over towards Kayden, who seemed concerned. I gave him a thumbs up signifying that all was well, and he gave me an awkward little smile in return.

"Yeah. I'm totally fine."

"Okay, but where are you?" I asked again, starting the car.

"I went to the pier." She sniffled.

Of course! Why hadn't I thought of that in the first place? My sister was probably the most predictable person in the world; just after her tenth birthday we had gotten in a nasty argument, much like this one, and she ran away. The first place we looked was the pier. And there we found her, sitting on a bench pouting. I should have expected that this situation would be just the same.

"Uh. All right. We will be there in a minute. Just stay where you are. Don't move! Don't talk to anyone! Just stay put!" I said a little too sternly, hanging up the phone and putting it back in my pocket.

"Where is she?" Kayden blurted out, turning to face me. There was now an uncomfortable tension between us. He didn't seem mad that I had treated him the way I had, no, he seemed confused and a bit sad which made me feel even worse.

"She went to the pier. If I hadn't over reacted the way I did, we probably would have looked there first. " I replied in a dumbfounded voice as I pulled out of the parking lot and began to make my way towards the pier.

Alone, I walked through the overcrowded nightlife of the pier. Everything looked the same as it had so many years before: the lights, the sounds, even the air smelled the same. It was like I was in a flashback. I staggered down the boardwalk to the very spot she had been five years previous. There she was, sitting on the exact same bench.

"Momo..." I said, watching as she looked up then looked away. The side of her face was still red from the slap, she was still crying, and looked helpless. I felt so guilty that I almost didn't want to confront her. I just couldn't fathom the fact that I had done such a thing.

"Hey, uh, I don't exactly know how to say what I want to say, but what I did was terrible, and I'm fully responsible for my actions." I started, sitting down beside her on the bench. She shook her head and turned towards me.

"No, dude, I shouldn't have brought up those things. I know it's a sensitive topic, and I totally deserved it since I pushed you down. There's no need to apologize. It was pay back. Plus, the reason I ran away wasn't exactly because of you. I needed a break from life. I came here so I could think..." She mumbled under her breath. The way she said it made me feel worse than I did. I looked straight forward, then down at my feet, then back at her.

"No Mo, you did not deserve it. I'm technically the adult here and I need to start acting like it. I should know enough not to do stuff like that and be able to handle my emotions. It was incredibly ignorant on my part."

She didn't respond, and both of us sat in silence for what seemed like hours, watching as people passed. Everyone seemed so happy, yet here we were, a completely broken family that consisted of the world's biggest ass and a girl cheated of basic family knowledge. None of the people walking by knew what had happened, no, to them we just looked like a sad set of siblings having a completely emo moment. Nobody knew how flawed we both were.

Seemingly out of nowhere she whispered, "Let's just go home...", breaking the silence that was eating both of us alive. I extended a hand and helped her to her feet and together we walked to the car.

Something told me that I needed to tell her the secret I had been keeping from her, but I didn't. It felt as if it was a bad time, and that I needed to wait for the right moment.