Damaged Love

Processing and healing

Abuse

if I say it out loud,

it's suddenly too real

to ackwoledge

you hurt me,

that I took your abuse

without word to anyone,

so that no one else would get hurt

if too much,

even for myself to take,

so I continue keeping quiet,

because as long as I don't say it out loud,

as long as I don't think about it,

it never happened to me

I can deal with the past,

the strangers and exes,

the unrelated family, or distant family,

but fuck

not you too

Say it

I don't want to say it

I can't say it,

I have to drown underwater,

and even there

with water rushing into my ears,

and the breath muffled,

I dare not say or think your name

say it,

breathe it out,

with that last breath

before you drown,

say it,

at least breathe in deep, and when your vision blurs,

count out

1

2

3...

the name

even then

at the end of the time,

I still don't think,

I'll be able to utter it out loud

Grieving

I stopped crying,

it was me beign strong,

because she couldn't be

I have passed three deaths,

maybe four

and have not cried once

how can I grieve

when I don't give myself

the space to let it go,

I have to keep the act,

put on the mask,

and hold onto the other's falling

I tell your stories,

numbing my emotions,

while trying not to sound monotone,