Mine not Mine

Eighteen

I hate it, that even his presence is out of my sight, he has never left my mind—not even once.
~~~

I didn't walk out from my room and didn't even talk to him since that night. It's been three days already when I heard all those painful explanation coming out from his mouth! That piece of s***! How dare him treat me like a toy!

I don't want to hear his voice, neither want want to see him anymore. That kiss isn't even worth remembering— a kiss done just because it was a dare, just for the sake of the game. I know, I am once again hurt by my own damn expectation.

How insane! I should have not believe it. It was a game and nothing more than that. They might've set that game up, and placed a bet on me with his friends.

Bingo! He won, again. Is he satisfied already!? Tell me! What more!? What prize did he get from that dare? Does he always really want to put the that real low? Huh? Does he really hate me that much because of — whatever I shouldn't dig that anymore. It's all in the past already.

Three days. Three damn days — I locked myself in this working room. Yes, this working room is my room since then. This house has been planned and designed by mom and it has only two rooms— our bedroom and working room. Since we agreed to sleep separately and so I am staying in here.

For three days, he never even dared to check on me. He never even dared to speak to me or even just hear him ask, "Are you okay" even though what I am dying to hear is the word "sorry".

I would always hear his footsteps leave this house and whenever he comes back home. But, he never even care at all— not even one knock. I knew it, that night was just another show off.

I've been keeping myself busy in reading but actually I don't read at all. My head is still somewhere even if my eyes are pinned on this book. I hate it, that even his presence is out of my sight he has never left my mind, not even once.

Whenever he's out, I take the time to bathe and have my meal. I haven't taken back my phone from him yet. I know I should've taken it back already but I don't want to talk to him neither see his face— so it's impossible to have it back now.

I'm totally running away from his presence and even his shadow. Whenever I hear him arrive I make sure I run back to my room like a mouse afraid of the presence of a cat.

If you have been deeply broken, you know how it damn hurts that you would even swear not to see that person again even if you heart doesn't agree to it. If I could just easily cut ties between us without thinking of what mom and dad would feel about it, I could have done it already. The reason why I am still clinging to this toxic relationship aside from my love for him is because of his parents.

I woke up early this time — around 6 in the morning. I don't know why my sleeping pattern is fluctuating these past days. I would fall asleep late but I wake up too early. I hope I'll get back to my usual sleeping pattern soon.

Hearing his car leave the house, I let a few minutes passed by before I walked out of my room. Heading first at the comfort room to wash my face and gargle, I noticed the eye circles of my face are too deep already— exhausted of crying and lack of sleep.

I put my glasses on to cover it a little — I just don't want to be bothered by it whenever I see my face on the mirror. After I finished freshening myself up a bit, I headed to the kitchen. My feet stood frozen when I heard a voice speaking to someone over the phone —I definitely know it's him, Aksel.

I thought he had already left for work! I softly took a step back not wanting to make a noise to interrupt his phone conversation with someone but once again my legs don't want to cooperate with me the moment I heard him said "ya, I'll be there." then there is a brief moment of silence before he stated his next response.

"ya, okay, I will" he said although their was a tone of hesitation in his voice. I know I should continue walking back to my room but I just can't. I really hate how my idiotic legs are always keeping me still in hurtful cases like this.

"okay then..." and he paused for a moment.

"I love you" he stated.

I pursed my lips, trying to keep my tears from falling. See, I thought so, I should have not listened to their conversation and should've walked back to my room.

I was about to take a step back when I heard him said, "great! you're awake, let's have our breakfast." Too late he had already caught me.

I want to say no but I don't want to cause any argument again— I'm just so tired of it. I know we will never be okay and also ignoring him forever is impossible, and even if I hate to see his face I should strengthen myself whenever I see him, so without any word I walked to the kitchen.

The food has already been laid on the table— hash brown, sunny side up eggs with chopped onion leaves on top, bacon, toasted bread and coffee.

"You don't have to do this next time" I said and sat on the chair feeling. I noticed that his mouth opened a bit and was about to say something but he just kept it shut and didn't speak at all. Whatever he wanted to say is none of my business anyway.

I took one bite of the bread and sip a bit of coffee before I stood up to leave. My appetite has been lost already  just by seeing his face.

"thanks for the meal" I said actually that sounded more ungrateful. I was about to walk when he grabbed my hand. I hate how he always would stop me as if he has the right to do so.

"sit down" he ordered. His face so firm and determined.

I tried to pull my hand but he tighten its hold onto it digging his fingers on my skin that it could break my tiny bone anytime soon. "Don't let me repeat myself, Sierra" he warned and his voice is a monster.

What now? Is it because I don't want to agree with him? Or I offended his effort in making this breakfast! Tell me your reason now!

"Take your hands off—" I ordered with my eyes burning in madness but he didn't listen instead he pushed me back on my chair. Damn! why couldn't I even defeat his might?

"open up" he commanded as he's holding the bread.

"I can feed myself" I said turning my face on the side.

His one hand immediately holds firm my chin as he forcefully moves my face back to meet his. "I told you Sierra, don't let me repeat my words" he cleared it again.

Damn! Can you just stop! I don't want to see you! Neither do things that you want me to do! I hate myself already for loving you don't make me hate myself even more. But I am so weak! I always fall under your command and control. I hate it that I could not be freed from your tight hold. Why are you making things so hard for me? Why Aksel?

Without wasting the time and even letting me agree to his order, he feeds me until the food on my plate is already clear even if I don't want it anymore. I want to cry but I can't. Tears won't just come out.

"The next time that I told you to eat, I want you to eat everything on your plate" he said before he walked out without saying any parting word.

My tears now started to well down. I can't  stop it from flowing and even my stomach twists in pain. I hurried to the sink and throw up all the food he fed to me. I don't understand him and I never will. I should just keep my distance from him— that's the best thing I could do for myself.

~~~

Hi everyone! I do hope that you are enjoying this book! I love to hear from you all. Leave your thoughts in here and hit the star below if you like this! Thank you for reading! 😃