Mine not Mine

Eight

I hope that we'll just remain like this,
in peace, together, longer than forever.
Is that too much for me to ask?
~~~

My heart beating loud. Tongue tied shut. Aks carried me in his arms? Why does it seem more of a question to me and not a statement at all?

This cold air coming out from the air-condition couldn't even cool down the rising heat between us as he leans his face forward. I don't know how my long I could hold his gaze. He's so close, too close, I am afraid he could hear how loud my heat beats. I move my head back although I know it's pointless —there's no more space, I am already squeezing into the corner of this car.

I certainly know what's going to happen next. I know it for sure. I have seen this scene many times in the movies and dramas. I know this cliche and more so I know what to do. I shut my eyes close and steady my lips. In few seconds, or in —

"Don't even think of it" he stated as he reached for the seatbelt and pulled it down, buckling it up for me. He then pulled himself away and sit up straight looking out on the road with his hand already holding the stirring wheel ready to drive.

Insane! What have I just done!? It's so shameful. My brain went crazy again over his little action that I shouldn't have minded.

I looked out the window to hide my face a bit. Although I know there's no point of doing so because I cannot undo the shameful thing I have done.

I fight the crazy thoughts running in my mind by looking at the glittering beautiful lights as we pass them by.

I can't deny that the scenes earlier keep replaying in my mind like a hoop. His hand on mine. Carried in his arms. His face too close. Holding my hands. Calling me wife. All of these. I swear I'm trying not to think about it but it's just so hard not to. It's like trying not breathe when you're under water. See, too hard right?

I know these are all nothing to him but to me it's everything — more than I could ever ask for. Can I scream out loud, now? I can't contain what I am feeling inside and my mind already is screaming too.

He's driving the car real slow and with the music low. I don't understand, there's no point to drive real safe this time —the road is almost clear. But, I'm loving it. I am loving this silence between us. Silence that isn't frightening, it's actually calming. There's no need for words, not even the lyrics of the song playing — just this peace in silence is more than enough.

If I could just freeze this very moment and make this ride even longer than forever, I would surely do it. But, it is all nothing but a dream when an incoming call is ringing in the car stereo. I glanced  at it and see the registered number flashes on the screen with the name "FIANCÉ".

At once all good things playing in my mind are washed away by pain of what I have just seen. It all feels right until the call has reminded me of my place once again. Thanks for letting me feel the wife-feels for a short time, even in just a short time. 

The unanswered call ended after a few seconds. Aksel knew he couldn't decline the call and he couldn't answer it either knowing that I'm in here. How could that make him a man if he couldn't make a firm stand on something? If he would always do nothing as if his trap between two walls?

Then, it rings again. Our eyes meet for a second before he looked away, darting his eyes back on the road. Well,  he can't ignore Allia and more so I don't want him to throw a pity party on me either. He must make a clear-cut decision. Or else—

"Answer it" I said but he didn't respond, not  even planning to answer it. Seriously? Not doing something about it is the most immature thing he has ever done. It's not about me already if he thinks I might get hurt - well, I've already been hurt before even worse than now. Believe me I'm immune of pain. And how about Allia? I know what she might feel when her calls aren't answered. I am woman too and more than that I have been through this same thing as well.