𝐇𝐔𝐅𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐏𝐔𝐅𝐅'𝐒; 𝐀 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐘

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐨𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐫'𝐬 𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐈𝐈

"Hey did you guys hear about what happened during flying lessons the other day?" Eddy asked as he sat down across from Lenny and Abby.

"What do you mean 'hear'?" Said Lenny. "We were there. It took you fifteen minutes to get the broom off the ground and then we all watched you take a nose dive to the second you got on it. Madam Hooch said the last time she saw someone with such poor flying skills was a kid with one leg."

"No, not our lesson! The Gryffindor and Slytherin one." He explained. "And if I'm going to fail at something, I figure I may as well be the best at being the worse."

"I never thought of it like that." Said Abby, taking a bite of an apple.

"That's because you're not brain dead." Lenny scoffed under her breath.

"Anyyywayyy." Eddy shot Lenny a look. "Back to what I was saying. Did you hear though? Malfoy started some trouble and Potter totally took him down."

"Took him down?" Abby frowned.

"He means that Malfoy stole Longbottoms rememberall and Potter got it back." Lenny clarified, pulling a book from her bag on the seat beside her.

"Yeah, in fuckiNG MIDAIR!" Eddy stressed. "He like, flew after him and caught it in midair! That's insane! He's never even flown before."

"Wow." Abby blinked. "That's actually pretty impressive."

"Not really." Lenny opened a book in front of her on the table. She threw Eddy a sparing glance and was clearly trying her best not to smile. "What's really impressive to me is that Eddy has been sitting on a grape this entire time and has yet to notice."

"What?" Eddy groaned and got up sluggishly out of his spot to look down at the bench. "Fuckkkkkk."

A dark purple stain looked back at him and he swore he could hear it's whiney grape voice mocking him. He decided wouldn't take the ridicule without a fight.

"You think you're fucking special just because you're inanimate and don't have to deal with the hardships of emotions or the human psyche, huh? Do you? You think that makes you fucking better than me? Well, I hope my butt tasted great but you wouldn't even know 'cause you're just a stupid grape and grapes don't know anything!"

He quickly ripped off his cloak and used it to aggressively wipe the clean bench.

Meanwhile, Lenny was shaking with the sheer effort of not laughing out loud. It was her who had put the grape in Eddy's usual spot. All she had to rely on was the fact that Eddy was currently attempting to function on half an hours sleep. And honestly? That was probably the only reliable thing about him. He was doing a fairly admirable job if one discounted all the walls he had walked into (she hadn't seen him do this personally but the bruises on his forehead were very telling) and two blackouts he'd had today alone.

To Lenny's left, Abby's angelic face was scrunched up into something like concern and mild disgust. She'd lived far from a sheltered life and Eddy was still one of the strangest things she'd ever seen. Talking to grapes? The hardship of the human psyche? She often wondered if his parents had ever thought to seek professional help.

Eddy saw the face she was making and posed a hand on each hip.

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Said Eddy. "Sit back in it?"

"I mean...you didn't even notice until Lenny said something...you probably would have stared that way and been none the wiser."

"Oh, my, God, your right." Eddy dropped his cloak to the floor in utter astonishment. He slammed his hands on the table and glared a thousand daggers at Lenny. "You bitch! Haven't you ever heard ignorance is bliss! Next time I sit in something keep it to yourself!"