𝐇𝐔𝐅𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐏𝐔𝐅𝐅'𝐒; 𝐀 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐘

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐈

They were pretty certain that pets weren't allowed at the table during dinner, but Dicky being the rebellious piece of shit he was, paid that possibility no mind. With him, in his lap was a fluffy white Persian cat that he had come to be in possession of over the summer. It gazed at him like he was the kindest, most loving human in the world. Of course, the cat was sorely mistaken and Dicky's friend knew it but regardless of that; Aweeeeeee.

"Aweeeeeee." Eddy pursed his lips, on the brink of tears. "She's so cute, I'm going to die."

"She's so fluffy." Abby added with a giggle. "She's totally adorable, Dicky."

"Did know you that cats spend an average of twenty hours a day sleeping?" Said Lenny.

"For real?" Eddy grinned. "Fuck me, I wanna be a cat."

"What's the cuties name?" Asked Abby.

"Luci." Said Dicky.

"That's nice."

"It's short for Lucifer. The Muggle Devil from the Bible."

"That's...nice."

"My parents keep calling her fucking Whiskers though. So, I'm going to train her to attack whenever they do."

"Well, everyone needs a hobby, I guess." Said Lenny.

"Mine is seeing how many hours I can stay awake before I pass out." Eddy said with a smile.

"What's your record?" Asked Dicky.

"94 hours and approximately 17 minutes."

"Wow. I'm actually kind of impressed." Said Lenny. "Concerned overall, but impressed."

"Yeah. I think could have gone longer but I fainted and woke up two days later. Let me fucking tell you, the hunger I felt when I woke up? Unmatched by anything I have ever experienced before or since."

The sound of loud laughter from the staff table pulled the Hufflepuff's attention. It was the newest and latest Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Gilderoy Lockhart. Celebrity, writer and now their teacher.

"So..." Said Dicky. "What do we all think of that guy?"

"His hairs too fucking shiny." Eddy replied immediately. "Look's like dolls hair and hurts my eyes."

"His clothes are...very colourful?" Said Abby.

"More like obnoxious." Lenny clarified.

"Well, his teeth are very...white?" Abby tried again.

"Too white." Said Eddy. "Like suspiciously, unnaturally white."

"Yeah, definitely some spell work going on there." Dicky nodded. "Or they're fake. You magic people do have false teeth right?"

"You are a magical person, Dicky." Said Lenny. "And yes."

Dicky ignored her first comment.

"Isn't he supposed to be some kind of legend, though?"

"He's a celebrity." Said Lenny, rather unenthusiastically. "He writes books about his...adventures."

"Ooooohhh, I smell something!" Dicky looked down at Lucifer. "Know it is? Because it smells like bitter judgement to me."

"My mother is a fan of his." Lenny sighed. "My parents actually went to school with him. My dad said that he was about the dullest Ravenclaw to ever walk the Earth. Sure, he valued intelligence, but he never put in an ounce of effort to actually learn anything. He's a narcissistic attention whore. My dad thinks all the stuff he claims to have done in his books are all just lies."