Falling ♡ Timothée Chalamet

35 - weakness

I didn't realize how much I missed going to parties until Noelle and Sam dragged me to one.

The music, the people, the dancing, the drinks.. it was all an antidote for someone who so badly needed to get their mind off of too many things.

And I just so happen to be that someone.

My long awaited scholarship interview is tomorrow, I broke my boyfriends heart last week and my bad habits of self harming have come back in full throttle.

Therapy hasn't been helping lately, and writing distracts me for a bit but then it doesn't help at all. So maybe this will. Maybe all I've been needing this entire time is a bit of fun.

Sam notices me smiling widely once we pass by a crowd of teenagers who are dancing very provocatively in the middle of the living room. 'You seem cheerful today.' He points out holding back a laugh.

I nod happily. 'I am. I think I'm going to ditch the whole miserable act for a few hours and just let loose.' I joke.

Sam nods happily. 'Good for you.. I think I'll do the same. I just hope Halie isn't here seeing her won't make that easy for me.' He hands me a drink and takes one for himself and then we clank them together making Noelle shake her head disapprovingly at us.

'We just got here guys.' She wines and moans at us. 'I don't want to be on drunk duty this early.' The two of us laugh at her and then hand her a cup but she declines it rolling her eyes at the two of us. 'One of us has to be sober and of course it has to be me.. as usual.' I want to bring up the many times Noelle has gotten a little bit too carried away with alcohol in the past but I decide not to.

All three of us are here together, like old times. Except this time we don't have secrets to hide or wear masks to fake our feelings. Noelle outwardly expresses her love for Sam and he does the same back, I do my best to avoid my aching heart and spend most of my time on the dance floor or clanking more cups with Sam.

The first hour is fun. Sam starts to get tipsy and stumbles all over Noelle blurting out so many confusing sentences instead of saying he loves her. Noelle laughs at him and tries not to blush with every compliment he gives her but she can't help herself and her ears turn pink and her cheeks are rosy.

I watch them with amusement, wishing Timothée was here, wishing things were back to normal, wishing he could make me blush again, and make the butterflies in my stomach arise and kiss my fear of fucking up that interview tomorrow all away.

He'd know what to say, what to do and where to touch me to get me to forget about all that was worrying me. But now he's the one that's making me worry, he's the one making me stress and I spend the second hour of the party dwelling over how much I hate myself for pushing him away.

'Maybe I should have been more selfish.' I tell Noelle as she now dabs my tears away with a paper towel. 'At least if he stayed here we'd be happy right now.. and together.'

Noelle nods. 'I know sweetie.' She says as she's rubbing my back. 'But you did the right thing.. letting him go like that. It was brave of you but you were a bit harsh on him don't you think?'

I nod letting out a loud cry in the bathroom. 'But it was the only way.' I convince Noelle. 'If I went easy on him he would have stayed.. I needed to do that.' Eventually I calm down and Noelle helps me out of the bathroom and back out into the crowd of people.