Falling ♡ Timothée Chalamet

26 - problem

WARNING: this chapter may be triggering for some people. It discusses self harm so please be careful before reading.

I start realizing I have a serious problem when I'm having dinner with Aaron, Noelle and Timothée one peaceful night.

All of us are gathered together in the tiny apartment me and Aaron share at our small dining table in the kitchen and as all of them converse I find myself in a whole other universe.

My thoughts are not circled around my mother this time, or my father. Instead I'm thinking of my scholarship interview for NYU. What if they don't accept me? What if I'm not good enough? What if I ruin it? Aaron is going to be so disappointed in me if I fuck this up.

'Baby, do want some spaghetti?' Timothée asks me, he's holding the plate of spaghetti in his hands and waiting patiently for my approval so he can put some on my plate.

I'm not hungry, I don't have an appetite right now but I know if I refuse the food everyone in this table will be alert and will question why I don't want to eat. So I nod my head instead and I watch Timothée put some spaghetti onto my plate.

Aaron talks about California, he tells Noelle and Timmy all about how beautiful and sunny it is there. He speaks of happier times, when he didn't have to worry about me weighing him down and holding him back from following his hopes and dreams. I find myself looking down at the knife near my plate and wondering what it would feel like to dig the sharp side of it into my skin. Maybe I'll feel better if I do that.

The thought scares me and I jump slightly, pushing my chair back and startling everyone at the table. 'El what's wrong?' Noelle asks. Timmy reaches for my hand, it's his way of trying to steady me and Aaron looks at me with so much concern on his face that it hurts.

I hate myself so much for this. I hate that I make them worry so much, I hate that I'm so delicate and weak and pathetic that they have to be concerned about me every second of every day. It shouldn't be this way.

I yank my hand away from Timothée. 'I- I just need to go to the bathroom for a second.' I say standing up. Timothée grips my arm to stop me from walking away but I pull away from him once again and walk as fast as I can towards the bathroom.

I slam the door shut and lock it before any of them can stop me. My breathing is ragged and heavy. I find that I'm pinching my skin again, causing my self any sort of pain. The pain is familiar, it calms me down and when I stop pinching my skin I find that my heart is racing again so I do what my gut tells me to do.

I pull my sleeve down, grab my arm, hold it firmly and then I bite my shoulder so hard that I cry out in pain. It hurts, but it's soothing at the same time. I then punch my fist aggressively towards the wall and for a second I'm convinced my knuckles are broken but then I stretch them out and the pain relaxes me.

I find that doing all of this has calmed me down. I am no longer breathing heavily, my breaths are steady and still and I managed to calm down after having trouble breathing.

I don't know why that helped, but it did. I don't know why I looked at that knife earlier like it was a solution. I'm terrified of myself now. This has gone way too far. 'Ella open the door right fucking now!' It's Aaron, he's been banging on the door this whole time but I was able to block out all the sound. All the chaos

'Aaron calm down, you're just freaking her out more.' It's Timmy speaking now, he's behind the door as well and he sounds just as calm and collected as he always is.

Now that I'm better I sit on the toilet seat and listen to them arguing outside of the door. 'No I won't calm down. She's not okay, she needs help Timothée. You don't know what happened last night she's been scaring the shit out of me lately.'