"We build sandcastles in the Serengeti,
Don't you remember me?
You splashed my face with Nile water,
Daughter of Diaspora,
You named me,
Claimed me,
Do you remember me?..."
-Jill Scott
2007 Tonis house:Toni- I walk into the kitchen putting groceries on the counter top before starting to put them away. "So you are just going to ignore what I said" Janet says coming in a few minutes after me. She sits the groceries down also before coming to stand in front of me. "Janet I told you I don't think it is time yet Jesus why do you keep bringing it up" I ask getting frustrated. "Because it's complete bullshit Toni, we have been dating for two years now and you don't want me to meet the kids" she says frustration lacing her tone.
I sigh, we have been going back and forth about this a couple of months now but the situation blew up when I told her that Keri wants to take the boys on a trip to Hawaii and wants me to come along like we are still together or something. When she found out that I was contemplating going with them she flipped shit, in the calmest way possible but it was still shocking and it was our first major argument since we got together officially.
"Janet I just don't know if it's the right time..." I say turning to the refrigerator and I feel her put her hand lightly on my arm before she moves away from me and takes a deep breathe. "So it's the right time to go on a trip with their father who you are not with, but don't introduce them to your girlfriend" she says and I turn to see her running a hand through her long hair.
"I don't want to confuse them" I say and she rolls her eyes. "Meeting me is confusing but going on a vacation with their divorced parents aren't? That's really funny" she says sarcastically making me angry. "I don't know why you are so mad Janet, when I didn't even meet your family yet" I say coming to stand in front of her. "Because I want to be one hundred percent into this and your kids are apart of that!" She snaps making me jump a little.
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She sighs before stepping back away from me, "look Toni I don't think you are in this like I am" she starts and I look at her with a frown, "what are you talking about?" I ask. "I don't think you are in this relationship like I am Toni, you are holding parts of yourself away from me and I already told you I want everything, that's including you, your boys, your family, and your heart" she says as she starts gathering her stuff making my heart pound. "Jan" I say watching her with tears gathering in my eyes.
"And I want to give you everything I have, I'm trying but you aren't letting me. So I think we need to take a step back, yeah? Sort through some things umm" she clears her throat and looks down and I can tell she is trying to hold back tears. "Baby please" I say starting to go to her but she shakes her head, "no Toni we do, obviously we aren't in the same headspace right now. Just call me whenever, I love you" she says before rushing out the door before I can stop her.
I start to kick myself sitting down at my kitchen island. I want to call her immediately and argue with her until she come back, or plead. But I know I can't. Because she is right I am holding myself back from her, apart of me and that includes the boys. But I can't help it, I have been doing it since I was younger, not letting my walls down around people. But she is different which makes it harder for me to let myself be my true self around her because what if she hates that person?
