Thantophobia

Chapter 20

I jolted awake in a cold sweat, surprisingly not screaming like I usually do.

I rub my hands over my eyes, trying to wake up from a nightmare I don't really remember. One of my hands found its way down to the chain that rested around my neck and tucked away under my shirt.

My hands fiddled with the ring as my mind went blank. For once I was oddly calm, and I wasn't sure what to do. Maybe try and go back to sleep?

No, even after a nightmare that I don't remember I still usually can't sleep peacefully for a while.

I look over and see Ransom and his back turned to me, and I am able to catch a glimpse of some of his tattoos on his bare torso.

One of them is something written in either Arabic or Hebrew, I can't exactly tell which language. Another is a date with a barbed wire fence around it. And I see the top of another on his hip that I can no longer see due to his clothing and the bed sheets. And that's just on one side, I know there's more on the other.

I examined the one with the barbed wire fence again, and thought about the moment he froze up when we went four wheeling a few months ago. And the date? Was it someone's birthday or death day?

Thinking too much, I slowly climb out his bed, careful not to disturb his slumber, and walk carefully out of his room.

I never went back outside to see Berkeley and Jaden. I just kind of left them. But all is good and well when I see a little piece of paper from them on the kitchen counter.

K,

We figured to not disturb you and Ransom until he was calmed down and ready. Thank you for looking out for him.

We left some breakfast for you guys to heat up in the fridge. And if you have a night terror, Jaden brought your medicine. It's in a brown bag with a Gatorade.

Don't drink any coffee. (Or alcohol)

-Berk

The corner of my lips tug into a small and grateful smile for having kind and selfless friends like them.

I spot the brown bag and sure enough, my medication was in it, and a light blue Gatorade.

I open the prescription bottle and pop a few pills, swallowing them down with the sports drink.

I feel a presence behind me, and arms wrap around my waist. I feel him bury his head into where my neck and shoulders meet.

"You almost scared me." I try to relax.

He mumbled something that sounded like an "Almost?" But didn't repeat himself. I turned around so I could properly hang onto him as well, and he let me.

He was still shirtless, exposing more dark tattoos on the other half of his torso I couldn't see, and the one on the hip was now fully covered by his sweats.

"You hungry?" I ask him after a while, breaking the comfortable silence.

"At four am?" He looks over at the clock on his stove top. "Of course I am."

I smile, and wiggle out of his hold on me to raid his fridge for the breakfast that his foster sister had set aside for him.

I follow the instructions that were written on the lid by Berkeley, and I feel his eyes carefully examine my figure as I do so.

I turn to him once it's in the oven, and he's reading the note Berkeley left, and his eyes flicker over to the prescription bottle.

"Paroxetine?" He reads, and glances up at me.

I don't say anything.

"I had my suspicions about you having PTSD." He puts down my medication back on the counter.

"It's just for anxiety. Nothing else." I deny.

"Come on Kyle, stop lying to yourself. You do things and see things just like I do." I search his eyes for any hint of judgement, but I find none. I just stay silent, waiting for him to elaborate or continue.

"Nightmares? Seeing the same thing over and over, and not being able to rest for a while after that until it happens all over again, and just becomes this vicious cycle that never ends. It even happens when you're awake, the simplest of things tipping you over the edge. And acting on it because you think it's real life. You try to seek out help but it's so difficult to open up, and you keep the little things closest to you,"

I look down as he takes a few steps towards me, and very slowly and carefully takes the ring dangling on the chain around my neck.

"And the very last thing you want to do is admit it to yourself that you're fucked up."

I look up at him, because his sudden tone of voice shifted so fast, that it seems like he wasn't even talking to me anymore, but he was talking to himself.

I reach out and lightly touch his wire tattoo, and he flinched, but doesn't back away.

So it does have something to do with his PTSD.

He lets go of the ring and touches the faded mark on my neck.

We stay like this for a while, both staring at the things that have fucked us up so badly. That make us have nightmares and have us go to therapy sessions and take strong medication to even feel somewhat like a normal human being with normal emotions again.

We catch eye contact, and it's like I'm entranced and can't look away or even blink. I hear my heart pounding in my ears and a weird sensation in my chest that I haven't felt for a long time.

"I don't expect you to tell me your story. Just as long as you can rewrite another one with me." I feel him lean in closer, his lips lightly brushing against mine.

This moment is already so much better than the first time. It's like we both really needed to redo this, but the right way.

He doesn't make any move to fully connect our lips together, as if he's weary that I don't want it, and he's still giving me a chance to back away.

But I don't.

I lean forward and connect our lips together, finally resulting in the kiss that we both wanted and deserved since the beginning.

It felt fresh and new, like we were both ready to restart our lives with each other. To leave everything behind and just start something, anything, again.

And it felt like a promise.

———
(Hey guys! Sorry, things have been...uneventful but eventful at the same time?

I'm in a writers block right now but I hope you at least enjoyed this chapter I was able to manage :)

Also, I took my senior graduation photos today! It was absolutely freezing but it was fun! I also officially decided to Major in Criminal Justice and minor in Psychology. So that's pretty dope. I met a lot of people going to the same college I am attending and they're all very quickly becoming close friends. I'm so excited haha

Anyways, hope you all are staying healthy and safe. If you ever need anything please reach out, I won't hesitate to respond and try to be of help. And wear masks!)