Once Upon a Child of the Stars

Thirty Three- Opened Eyes

I lead Xavian to one of my favorite spots in the castle; an empty room in the highest corner of the building. The room was clean as we had maids who cleaned the whole castle at least once a week. It had stone walls and plain gray smooth tile floors, giving it a monotone and dull look. 

I stop once I am by the single window the room has and I look out of it for a moment before I turn to Xavian, my arms crossed. I want to show him that I am not going to fall head over heels no matter how good his next words may be. 

"Well," I sigh out. "Get to it," I say, motioning with my hand that I want him to begin speaking. He takes a visibly deep breath before he begins to speak. 

"You know Raegar lost his mate," he begins and I nod. "I know how much it hurt him, I saw how dark he became. After that, I no longer wanted to have the chance to go through that same pain. I thought pushing you away would make it easier, but it did not. My instincts began to burn every time you were around, and when you left the pain was almost unbearable," he explains. 

"The pain of your mate leaving is like having a knife stabbed into your chest, and the ache is continuous. I can only imagine how it feels when your mate dies," he says taking another deep breath. 

"I was afraid to feel that pain and I was selfish. As I grew older I only got worse, feeling as though I would be better off alone, nothing to make me weak like that. When you came to Hellian I could physically feel you as soon as you stepped into our atmosphere. It was like a warmth and then a pull in my chest. I wanted to be close but I was afraid. I was a coward," he looks away from me for a minute before he continues once more. 

"The longer you were around the more I wanted you. Every word that passed through your lips pulled me in even if they were full of hate. When I told you I did not want you it hurt me. I felt your sadness, your pain. I felt your longing to be away from me and it hurt but all I wanted to do was come to you and try to make you feel better," he continues to explain. 

"When I saw Raegar coming out of your room that night, a fire began in me. I saw how you interacted, how happy you were to be around him. I wanted to be in his position and for the first time in our lifetimes, I envied him. I was jealous of him. I was coming to see you that night as well. You were not eating properly and I wanted to assure your health despite the fact that I did not want to be with you or even close to you. When you said you had considered ending your life to get away from me I felt my whole soul crack in half and all I wanted was to fix us," he states and I can see the hurt in his eyes. 

"By the time I had gained the courage to speak to you and try to repair what I had done, you were already leaving me and I instantly gathered my belongings and came here," he says and he looks over to see what I have to say about everything he has explained. 

"So you did not want a mate because your ego was huge and you were afraid someday they would be killed and you would be hurt?" I question. 

"Essentially, yes," Xavian says, his voice showing his guilt. 

"Why were you against me when we were younger?" I ask. 

"I was just a stubborn teenager then. I knew you didn't know I was your mate and I did not want to be held in one place just yet. I still had a lot of training to do and I knew you would be fine if I left then," he explains. 

"Everything you said when I came to Hellian, did you really mean any of it?" I ask. 

"At the time I thought I did, but the longer I was with you the more I wanted to keep you to myself," he says, a small smirk flickering onto his lips. 

"So what does this mean now? I hope you do not expect me to jump right into your arms because of your little apology," I state firmly. 

"I would certainly hope you wouldn't. In fact, I would be disappointed if you did. You have this addicting fire inside of you that draws me in and pisses me off all at the same time. It makes me want you more and more with every word that passes through those beautiful lips of yours," he states in a low, husky voice. 

It is hard for me to let all these words sink into my mind. Everything he says makes sense, but with scars still remain and it causes me to feel unsure. My mind clicks its gears as it comes up with ways Xavian is lying and just trying to cover his old tracks. 

The most concerning possibility is that he wants to be nice to me in order to make an heir for his crown. All it would take was a few months, the mate bond would do its tricks and we would have a child and he could abandon me. 

I felt my chest tightening at the horrible thoughts running through my head, and my face must have shown that because Xavian reaches forward and places a hand on my cheek.

"Please. Let me show you how a mate can be. Let me show you how I want to be good for you," he pleads. 

"I don't know, Xavian. I need time, I need to think about all of this. Bottom line is, you hurt me. Really fucking bad and I can not just let that go. You emotionally abused me for months, I had to leave my family and hide because I was scared of you," I state firmly. 

"I know, Luminara, but please think about it. We are destined to be together, and I want to be together now," he says.

"So what if your mind changes again? Do I just get fucked over again?" I ask, standing my own ground. 

"Let me show you," he says one last time before he turns and walks away, leaving me alone in the empty room with my thoughts.