The Glow of the Rainbow

Chapter 1

Chapter 1 -

A name is important. It's often the first thing people hear before they see your face. Your name dropped in a conversation or written on top of a piece of paper causes people to make preconceptions about you.

That's why, for me, the right name was crucial.

"How about Daniel?" Dad asked as he scrolled through a list of names.

"People will shorten it to Danny, and then others may think I'm Danielle." I sat in the armchair, my legs over one of the arms and my back against the other.

"Tyler?" Mum said as she looked through her list of names.

"Maybe."

"Ethan?"

"Nope, I had a bully named that. Bad memories tied to the name."

"George? It's a good strong name; it was my great uncle's name." Dad smiled as he looked up from his list.

"I like it, but people might think it's short for Georgina. I don't want anything that could be twisted to a feminine name."

You might say I was fussy. But for my whole life, my birth name had been linked to being a girl. Even though my mum told me it was a unisex name and it was actually a popular boys name in other countries. I couldn't risk having a name that people would twist. I wanted a name that screamed; I am a boy.

"Adam?" Dad laughed. "Adam Adams." He burst into deep belly laughter. He was trying to say something else, but he couldn't quite get it out. "Adam... Adamine... Adams."

And he was gone again. His face was turning red, and he was crying, and I admit it, we all were. It was nice, us sitting in a room laughing together. Some people aren't so lucky when they come out, and that breaks my heart. No one should have their family abandon them because they come out as a member of the LGBT+ community.

I'm not going to say it was easy. I cried. My parents said some remarks that implied that I hadn't thought about this, when the opposite was true.

It's all I thought about.

No one decides to wake up one morning and pretend to be a different gender for fun. 'Oh yes, I fancy making my life so much more difficult and deal with all of the abuse because it will be fun.'

I was already binding. I don't know if my family noticed, or if they ignored it. I had been having a debate in my head for years. Through tears and puberty. Through harming myself to feel something other than the torment in my head. I spent years thinking there was something incredibly wrong with me and wanting everything just to stop.

Believe it or not, I even went through a hyper-feminine stage. I tried dresses, makeup, skirts, the whole lot. I felt like an imposter in my own body. I tried to be a girl, I really did, I watched my sister as she found it so easy. I would cry at night, asking myself what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I be normal?

It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced the feeling. I felt like I was in someone else's body. I knew I was a boy, but I was being told that I was a girl, and I would grow up and be a lady.

I grew up. I hated it.

Even when I thought to myself that I could be transgender, I tried to ignore it, which is where the feminine stage came in. Then I tried just being a tomboy. I tried to ignore this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something was wrong. I really tried. It nearly killed me.

"How about William?" Emma said from the other armchair.

"Your grandad was William. I like that name." Mum smiled.

"How about Ryan for a middle name?" Dad said. "I mean, I liked my suggestion of sticking to Adam Adams. But Ryan would suit you too."

"I like that," I said, rolling the name around on my tongue, "I really like that."

"William Ryan Adams." Mum smiled. "Our son."

In the coming months, we worked on changing my name and title on everything that we could. With the help of the gender clinic, I got on hormones just after my 16th birthday. Both of my parents agreed after reading through the documents the gender clinic gave them. It was a shock to them, to understand the changes I'll go through. But my blood will be monitored closely every couple of months to make sure the levels are correct. I was given links to websites and charities. I was handed phone numbers in case I needed help. I was provided with so much stuff, so much support.

But it took time. It's not as simple as going to a gender clinic and getting put on hormones there and then. It takes years and seeing many professionals. I think people forget that bit.

Eventually, I got a letter from the gender clinic, which meant I could change my gender marker on my passport.

Now, to everyone on the outside world, it would appear as if I was born a guy. Everything else is none of their concern. I'm me, and I'm happier. I'm not hurting anyone.

Then college started.

"This will be your fresh start." Mum smiled as she dropped me off at the college gates. I walked in, waving back to mum, excited to start my new life.