The Glow of the Rainbow

Chapter 5

Mum found me last night, crying into my pillow. I told her everything, the fear I had. She told me it was probably just because it was my first day. We spoke some more, and I decided I'm going to tell Matt. I'd rather he'd abandoned me sooner than later.

Except it never worked that way.

My first week went by. I couldn't find a chance to pull him to the side to tell him.

The second week flew by. I forgot, or maybe I was putting it off.

I really like Matt. I like being his friend, and I think he likes being mine.

He isn't so shy anymore.

He's funny, kind and we like a lot of the same things.

I'm so scared.

The third-week passes and I tried bringing it up but got interrupted by someone.

My brother said maybe I could text Matt. I said I couldn't. I had to tell him myself so that I wouldn't be waiting for a reply. So he said maybe a phone call. I said I hate phone calls. He laughed; he's the same.

A month rolled into two, and the longer it went on, the longer I felt like I was lying to him. Why did I have to read that post?

Then one evening I was at home on a video call to my brother when I got a text.

"Well, what does it say?"

"He's asking me if I want to go for a sleepover. He said it's cool if not, or if it seems too childish."

"Okay, that is adorable. Look, the guy is probably looking for a friend too. You should go."

"What about my binder? What if he sees it? What about my gel? How am I going to explain my hormone gel to him?"

"Tell him. Look, yeah it might not be the perfect time, you go to his house, tell him, and if he kicks you out, he kicks you out. There is never a perfect moment. The perfect moment is the moment you pick. Any moment at all, because you can't guarantee that telling him another time will go better or worse than this time."

"When did you get so wise?"

"You just hit that young, old man stage." He winked. "Look, go. If it goes tits up, call mum. I'm sure she'll be waiting by the phone all night anyways."

"I feel so bad that she worries so much."

"She isn't worried you'll do something. It's not your fault. She's worried in case she isn't there to pick up the phone again." There was a pause. "William, none of this is your fault. Nothing is your fault."

I could help it. I started to cry. Everything was my fault because I chose to come out.

"Look at me. I saw the state you were in. I saw how mum and dad were so scared for you. You have a heart of gold, but when it comes to yourself, that heart turns to ice. I've never seen someone hate anyone as much as you hated yourself. Hell, I was pretty sure at one point we were going to lose you. Remember that summer you were sick of seeing me? We weren't sure you were going to make it to the end of the holidays. When you came out, yeah mum and dad didn't understand. But they saw how you looked like a weight had been taken off of your shoulders. They love you. You're so much happier. That's all they want, you to be happy and safe. They always told us to be who we are, no matter the path that takes us down. They wouldn't have you any other way."

"I'm sorry for everything."

"If you don't smile by the time we end this chat, I'm going to use my secret ninjas to make sure you do smile."

I laughed. "I mean laughing with tears counts, doesn't it?"

"I'll take it. I gotta go, but if you need me to drop me a message."

I nodded, and the call ended.

There was a knock on the door, and mum entered.

"Your brother messaged me."

"I hate him so much." I smiled. He always knew what I needed.

"Want to talk about it?" She said as she sat on my bed, facing me.

"Do you wish I was normal?"

"What's normal? Boring? Predictable? Hell no." She smiled.

"I mean, do you wish I wasn't transgender. Do you wish I was born a guy or wished that I could be a girl?"

"I know what you meant, and my answer is the same. No, I wish the world was a kinder place. I wish you didn't have to face the hardships that you do. I wish I could change the world to be more accepting of those who are different. But I wouldn't change you for anything. I'm so proud of you. Look, kids aren't predictable. If I wanted that I would have got a hamster. You don't sign up to have kids if you're not prepared for them to be themselves. No matter what happens. You're so much happier now. I don't see that hate in your eyes when you glance at yourself in the mirror. For the first time in years, I can see you're excited about the future."

"What should I do?"

"Go to the sleepover. If you want, I'll wait down the road. You text me, and I'll either leave, or I'll come pick you up. Then we deal with what happens afterwards. Together."

"I just wish I didn't feel like I had to do this."

"I know sweetheart."

I was pulled into an awkward hug, and I slowly manoeuvred my way onto the bed. Together we talked through what I was going to do.