The Glow of the Rainbow

Chapter 6

I managed to keep my sleepover bag in form, so I didn't have to lug it around with me all day, which was one thing working in my favour.

"I thought we could walk back to mine. We could get the bus, but it isn't far."

"Yeah, sounds good to me." I smiled. I had gotten good at smiling to cover fear.

I texted mum a couple of times, updating her with the plan. She wanted to drive out anyways just so she knew I was safe, and I gave her the address.

The rest of the day went by without any trouble. Except I had forgotten my English books in my panic last night, but it wasn't an issue. My tutor just told me not to forget them the next lesson.

Form came and ended, and before I knew it, I was walking down the street with Matt. The flow of students was steady, and eventually we broke off from them, down our own little stream.

"My mum won't be home when we get in. I hope that's okay."

"Yeah, that's okay."

It was only him and his mum in the house. He didn't say what happened to his dad, and I didn't push it.

But this worked out well for me. It had to be now.

Matt held open his front gate for me. The front garden was neat with some flowers still in bloom. It was still warm for the time of year; the harshness of autumn hadn't fully swept in yet.

He unlocked the front door. I felt my hands start to shake.

He put his bag down by the stairs, and I followed. I took my shoes off and placed them by the door, just like he did.

He went to the kitchen to get us both a drink.

I felt my chest tighten, and it wasn't because of the binder.

My phone vibrated. I glanced at it and read the text from mum. She was down the road, and she'll sit as long as I need, she bought a book.

God, I love my mum.

"Matt, I've got something I've got to talk to you about."

"Oh, me too." He replied.

He knows.

Oh god, he knows.

This is a trick.

I tried to wipe the thoughts from my mind and push down the lump in my throat. I have no proof. I don't know how he would know.

"You go first," I say, trying to keep my voice level.

"No, you go first." I could see his eyes studying me.

He knows.

"Maybe we should go to your room first." I offer, trying to give myself time to remember the speech I prepared.

"Let's stay down here and talk. Let's go to the living room."

"I'm trans." I blurted out. Well I tried to, it kind of came out in one big messed up word.

This isn't meant to be how it goes.

This wasn't meant to be a coming-out story.

This was meant to be my fresh chance to live as me.

To not have to come out.

But here I am, as nervous as the first time. It never gets easier. It's too late to back out now.

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm trans." And that was the start of the mess that followed. "I'm sorry I should have told you. I shouldn't have lied, and I shouldn't have deceived you. I understand if you never want to see me again, I understand if you hate me. I'm sorry. I should have told you. I tried for weeks, but I didn't know how to start. I prepared a speech, but I couldn't remember it, and I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how to and- "

Then Matt did something I didn't expect.

He wrapped his arms around me.

"You're shaking. You're trembling. Hey, it's okay. Come sit down."

He took my hand and walked me into the living room.

I admit, my vision was blurred. Emotions had reached a boiling point. If he hadn't taken me by the hand, I wouldn't have known where I was heading.

He went into the kitchen and bought me my drink. He handed it to me. I took a big sip so that I could think.

"So you're transgender?" His words were so soft.

I nodded.

"You were born a girl?"

I nodded again, I could feel the tears wanting to burst from me, but I pushed them down.

"Thank you for telling me but-"

The dreaded but. I knew it.

"I'm sorry, I'll leave."

"No!" He sounded hurt. "William, please stay."

I turned to him. "You're okay with it."

"You're my friend, William." There it was, the way he said my name without hesitation. The softness of his voice, like he was wrapping all of my worries in a blanket, soothing them. Silencing them. "You didn't have to tell me, but I appreciate that you did. That must have been hard for you. Whatever is in your past, is in your past. Whatever you wish to tell me and whatever you don't is your business. You're William Adams, an amazing friend, creative person, with a great sense of humour. That's what matters to me."

I hugged him.

"So, let me ask a question."

"Go ahead."

"What's okay to ask?"

"I don't want people knowing my deadname and asking what's in my pants is kinda weird. I don't ask what's in other people's pants. I don't get why it matters with me. I'm human, and I'm a guy. I just want to be seen and treated like one. I guess I haven't thought about the rest."

"So is it a tablet you take? Do you need them here, because I'm okay if we need to get a bus to yours to pick them up, I don't want you missing a dose."

"It's gel for me. I'm not great with needles. I have it with me."

"Okay." He smiled kindly.

"What was it that you wanted to tell me?" I asked, remembering that he wanted to talk to me about something.

"I'll show you."

I followed him out of the room and up the stairs.

There were posters of video games, a bookcase full of books, an unfinished painting on the desk and a pride flag blowing in the breeze.

"I'm gay." He smiled. "I was anxious to tell you in case you thought I was coming onto you. That's why I wanted to see if you'd come for a sleepover. I don't have a lot of guy friends. Or friends in general."

"Me too. I mean with the gay thing, and the friends thing."

We burst into laughter, the relief sweeps the room, lifting away the atmosphere we had built previously.

I text mum, and I get a reply back instantly.

"I'm so glad. Try to get some sleep, though, and I'll see you after college tomorrow. I love you too."

I walked over to the video games and saw a game I had wanted to try. I knew it was a multiplayer game, so I slid it out from its place on the shelf and held it up.

"Want to see if we can set a new high score together?" I smiled.