The Glow of the Rainbow

Chapter 12

 Matt has been texting me every day.

I do reply, but my heart isn't in it, so he calls me. He doesn't mind the silence. Sometimes he fills it with sounds of video games or him singing. He's trying to make me feel better. I appreciate it. He makes me feel safe.

At first, I just laid in bed. I didn't move, I didn't eat. Life was moving past me, and I was happy to let it go. After a week, mum started feeding me as I stared at a wall. I felt like I had left my body, it was numb and heavy.

Mum had me in therapy, and she said she couldn't risk losing me again. The therapist said that what I was going through was dissociation and it was a response to trauma. She said it isn't my fault. It's my brain's way of trying to protect itself from the full impact. After a couple of weeks, I was back to cycling between emotions. She tells me it's okay to feel the way I do. That it's normal to feel angry and hurt, but I need to channel it.

I've been writing this non-stop. It's 2 am. I did start this late last night, but I had to sleep. But now, the anger is pouring through me, my fingers tapping on the keyboard brings me a strange sense of peace.

They say I should try going to college, even if it's for a little bit. But, I can't deal with the passing remarks. The transphobic slurs chucked around the canteen like a ball. Caught by anyone, thrown back by nearly all.

Mum said about going in just for graphics and art. Matt is texting me with the work we have to do, or he comes over with a bundle of work from my teachers. But there are some things I just can't do from home.

It's been a month. The longer I'm in this room, the less I want to leave. I'm safe here. Matt visits me. When he brings me the classwork I asked for, he tells me what is happening.

Charles is furious. The form group has been made to promise it wasn't any of them. Charles has interviewed all of them, one by one.

They still have no idea who started it.

I promised mum I'll try to go in for a little bit tomorrow.