Becoming Mrs. Manoban

16. All or Nothing

Gray. Gray is the only color that comes to mind as she stands by the window looking out into the streets like she did every morning religiously for the past few months.

The hot cup of coffee burning against her chest as she pressed it tightly to herself, but she barely winced at the feeling. How could she react to something she could not even feel?

She took a deep sigh and pulled the curtains, summoning darkness into her abode.

It had been three months since Nayeon died, yet it felt like it had happened just a second ago.

"Jennie Kim? Jennie Kim?" She had heard the doctor call out and shot out of her seat almost immediately.

She could tell. The guilt haunts her to this day that it was the first thing that she thought of, but she could tell.

She could tell that Nayeon did not make it, the tears were already bouncing off her shirt before Dr. Jimin could open his mouth.

"I'm sorry." Is all he said.

The first few weeks were the easiest. She spent most days and nights in tears as she arranged Nayeon's funeral.

Many people came to pay their condolences, she didn't even know Nayeon knew that many people.

Sorrow soon took a turn for the worse, depression. Pizza was breakfast, lunch and dinner. She quit work and resorted to not answering calls or emails, she basically shut herself out from the world as she dealt with the loss.

Joy and Wendy with the help of Mrs. Park had reached her just in time before she could head down a downward spiral and had gotten her the help she needed.

Therapy was painful at first. She had so much shame, so much guilt, so much regret, so much anger, it was almost impossible to recover.

Everyone knew what she had done, she was heavily pregnant for a woman because she wanted money.

She couldn't even save her sister in the end.

"What do you think is the biggest obstacle that you need to overcome in order to make progress?" Dr. Suga had asked her one day in a therapy session.

She had paused lengthily before saying. "Dr, I think I need to stop hating my unborn child."

Dr. Suga nodded, urging her to continue.

"I think I am so afraid of facing the fact that I failed Nayeon, that I am regretting my child. I feel as though if I wasn't pregnant with her then I would have been more of a sister to Nayeon. I would have been there to give her what actually mattered, the care, the companionship, even if just for a little while. I feel as though she was a mistake and I really do not want to feel that way about her." She'd broken down into tears.

But it wasn't her baby's fault she'd come to fully understand. She had made the choices independently, fully aware of the risks and costs. She had failed her sister all on her own.

"Nayeon, would never have blamed you." Joy had said to her one night when she paid her a visit.

"I know you can't see it now but someday you will. She would have been ultimately bewildered at the sacrifice you were making. A sacrifice that has somehow given you a second chance at happiness." Joy added.

They had all assumed she was not going to give her baby up.

Lisa

She'd left her thousands of voicemails and messages. She hadn't the will to respond.